Go Away

Can you follow me
Can you follow you
Just take a look back
To all that we've been through

I see you look at me
Just take a look at you
Sick and tired of the lies
What am I going to do

Can you see what I see
I can see what you do
Don't think I'll give in
Not after what I've been through

Are you listening to me
Because I'm talking to you
This is my final good-bye
I won't tell you where I'm going to

I see you
And it's making me ill
I want you
To just go away, go away...

Random Ranting and Raving

I was watching TV today and I've concluded that whoever decided to change the TV shows sucks! What ever happened to all of the great shows that I watched while growing up? I mean seriously Fraggle Rock, the Smurfs, Carebears, Rainbow Brite, Strawberry Shortcake, Lady Lovely Locks, My Little Pony, Gummy Bears, and Ninja Turtles. Then you get into the whole classic Nickelodeon shows like Norman the Gnome and Urika's Castle. Add to that Sesame Street, the Muppet Show, Muppet Babies, Pound Puppies, Shera, Transformers, Lamb Chop, Wishbone, Winnie the Pooh, and Jem. God, those were the good 'ole days.

Sitting down watching TV now makes me long for those fun shows. I can't believe the way that TV shows are today. I mean not that many of the shows I watched were all that great, but some of them on today are just bad. That's the only way that I can describe it.

I know that if you read through most of my entries I talk about my past and childhood, but I only write about what I know. What I can tell you that I know for sure, is that kids now are missing out on a lot of great things. Growing up in the 80's and 90's was fun to say the least. Where else could you have watched Alf, Punky Bruster, Blossom, and Charles in Charge? You can't forget Golden Girls, Levern and Shirley, or MacGyver. I still remember watching some of these shows while being babysat. I'd sit there in front of the TV coloring or painting.

Those were some pretty great shows. If you're lucky you can catch them on late might TV reruns. As you can probably imagine I'm sitting here in my dorm room reminiscing about the good old days when I should be sleeping because I have an 8AM class in the morning. So with that said, I'll leave you to remembering all those good times growing up.
Jen

Don't Judge A Book By It's Cover

I found out long ago that not everything is what it seems. You know that saying, "Don't judge a book by it's cover." So why do many feel the need to completely write each other off based on appearance and assumptions? This is one of the many questions that baffles me.

Everyday people walk around absorbing their surroundings and observing everything in them. This includes watching others and "studying" what they are like. No I don't mean studying as a scientific lab experiment or stalking. What I mean is that no matter who you are, people watch the way others behave around them and based on their observations, judge those being observed. It is part of the way that we interact and part of our social consciousness. In order to initiate any type of communication with people, we tend to talk to others who appear to be most compatible or appealing to ourselves.

I'm no different from anyone else. Do I observe the world around me? Yes, I do. However, I try not to judge others too harshly because you never know what they are dealing with. Just because a person may appear one way, does not necessarily mean that everything is as it appears at face value. It is easy enough to put up a mask to shield one's self from the rest of the world. People hide things in their lives in order to fit in. People often hide the real person that they are in order to be a part of the social crowd.

No really has the right to judge someone else because of how they dress and who they hang out with. Sure you may not agree with the things that they do, but has it ever occurred to you that there may be something more going on there, that there may be something beneath the surface just out of reach? Before people judge each other they should consider what might be going on in that other person's life. Maybe they have a rough life at home and their "tough guy" attitude is their protection. Maybe something has happened in their life that has changed them. Just maybe they're having a bad day.

Here's a scenario for you:
The happy-go-lucky, straight A student goes to school everyday with a smile plastered on his face. He keeps to himself mainly, except for the few friends that he was close to. He dealt with the nagging and assumption that everything was perfect in his life, but no one knew that it was in fact the complete opposite. His family life sucked and he dealt with the constant bullies growing up. Then one day, what was seemingly out of the blue, he flips out on everyone and tells them to back off. He basically tells them the hours of work he puts in to get his grades and that it doesn't come easily. Needless to say everyone left him alone after that!

Ok here's another scenario:
The woman speeding down the highway driving kind of recklessly cuts you off. You get angry and start swearing and yelling. You're pissed of because she's driving like an idiot. Little do you know that she just received a call from the hospital and her teenage son was just admitted and is unstable. She's racing to the hospital to get there because the doctors told her that it didn't look good and they didn't give her son much time to live.

These are just a couple of the things that could happen and in many cases have happened. People go around judging one another for often times no reason at all. I'm not saying I'm perfect when it comes to this. I'm just saying that I've been on the receiving end of being judges for appearances and assumptions, and let me tell you that it sucks! No one likes to be judged, at least not when there isn't justification behind it. Being known as the "brain," "jock," "princess," "cheerleader," "drama-queen,""geek," or anything else isn't really being known at all. Sure these characteristics are a part of who we are and can describe a lot of what we do, but it isn't everything.

When I think back to high school, it doesn't bring back many good memories. My school was full of cliques, many of which made high school Hell! I was caught between groups of friends and different cliques, so it was hard to relate to one particular group. I was judged by my academic standing, athletic ability, and appearance. While these three things were a major part of my high school identity, they didn't really define the real me. Not many people took the time to get to know me outside of those classifications.

I still see the same thing going on here in college, but to a lesser degree. Thankfully everything is more laid back here. I don't think that I could ever handle high school again. Then again, who would want to do that again?

Jen

Within A Dream

Sick of waiting, suffocating
Tired of living in silence hating
Wondering when it all will cease
Longing to find that endless peace
Reaching for an unseen hand
Blindly scanning barren land
Searching out the life not lived
Grasping for that priceless gift
Holding on to bare thread
Not giving into the consuming dread
Watching the light pass through the sky
Not ready to give up life and die
Losing grip on all that is real
Silently praying to once again feel
Wanting to find the light in the dark
Silently searching for that single spark
Wanting to live and to be free
Hoping once again to be able to see
Wanting to live the life that was meant
Patiently waiting for answers to be sent
Noting the change in the world around
Gazing as the last star falls to the ground
Dreaming of the life that might have been
Wanting to go back to start over again
Searching for a sign, for unyielding hope
Seeing this life through another's scope
Watching it all as if in a dream
Wondering if everything is how it seems
Settling back into the arms of sleep
Eyes closing to silently weep
Turmoil erupting in the heart and mind
Hoping relief is swift and judgment is kind
Peacefully drifting into the sands of time
While knowing the love was not a crime
Waking up in the night with a start
Finally realizing one must follow the heart


This was just a little something that sort of just came to me while staring at the dreaded blank computer screen.

Jen

Life Is Confusing

There is much in this life that can't be explained and while there are many who seek the answers to the unknown, some things are better left the way that they are. Why is it that people feel the need to know the answers the everything? Life could be so simple if everyone stopped trying to prove or disprove things in nature and their lives.

I find it hard often times to watch the things that are going on in the world around me. Not for a lack of interest, but from the lack of wanting to watch the world slowly corrupt and destroy itself. I look at the world we live in and am ashamed by the way things are. Life could be so simple if people could settle their differences and get along.

Many people are too concerned with their own self gain to see all of the problems that are arising in our lives. Material objects and possessions are what many people are after, but once one has them, what's the point? Life these days is very superficial! A lot of people place value on appearances rather than self worth and ability. The world, if anything is impersonal, a far cry from the once intimate place that existed in times not long gone by. People actually interacted with one another on a daily basis as a means of livelihood. Now we're lucky if we can contact one another on the phone or via the internet.

Don't get me wrong, there are some great things in the world today, but I just hope for something more and better than what is before me. I know that my idealistic dreams are just that, dreams, but I can't help but wonder what if things were different?

It is hard to imagine any other life than the one that I've known. Many times I find myself trying to imagine what it would be like to be someone else, if only for a little while. I used to see the world in such vivid hues and dream about what my life would be like when I got older. Now that I am older, I long for those days of blissful innocence, when nothing really mattered.

I try to rationalize how we got here and yet I can't really explain any of my own questions. Life is a mystery, one which hopefully never loses its thrill and adventure. I like daring to believe and trying new things.

My one hope, however, is that despite all of our differences and advances in technology, that we never forget where we came from. I know that this may sound cliche and a bit over done, but I can't help but think about the past and the founders of our country. What would they think if they saw the results of their sacrifices? Would they marvel at the way things are, or would they be appalled by the lack of the values that they were governed by?

I know that change is a good thing and that I need to get used to change, but that doesn't mean that I have to like it. I watch the world in front of me changing daily, while I'm still struggling to catch up with changes that took place what seem like ages ago. I'm still baffled at how rapidly life changes.

I just watched "Cold Mountain" and I can honestly say that it was hard to watch. Any war movie is hard to watch, but this one was just rough. The years of the Civil War were some pretty dark times in the US. We weren't really fighting "the enemy," we were fighting each other. Just the thought of such an event made my bold run cold and my heart nearly break. The vivid images and the graphic fights still stand out in my mind. I think the fact that this movies stands out in my mind so much is because of the fact that it really took place.

While today we aren't fighting amongst ourselves, we are still fighting. I may have my own thoughts and opinions on the way things are going right now in life in general, but I give my full support to the troops! They are just doing their job, fighting to ensure that we are all safe and sound. My thoughts and prayers go out to them and their families.

Hopefully, some time soon we can all find the peace that we all seem to need and crave. Living in fear of a constant threat is unsettling. I have a feeling that change is coming, whether good or bad, we have yet to know. One way or the other things are going to get interesting and I think that only time will tell the outcome of the events that are yet to take place.

I have a strong feeling that I am going to read this when I wake up in the morning and smack myself for ranting on because I couldn't think of anything else to do when I couldn't sleep. Until next time.
Jen

Writing It Right

Everyone knows that the most intimidating thing in writing is the infamous blank page or blank computer screen. In order to write well you need to be in a relaxed setting with no stress or pressure as to the outcome of your master piece. There shouldn't be any distractions in the room unless you're the type of person who can write well with a lot of noise. By relaxing yourself and leaving plenty of time to pick a topic, research, write, and revise, you avoid the dreaded writer's block. Giving yourself at least 1-2 weeks to complete the writing process is key. I know that this seems like a longer amount of time than usual, but it really isn't that much time when you're balancing many classes that each have their own work due. This amount of time is for you to research, write, and revise.
Take it one step at a time, you don't want to rush things. First, pick a topic. To do this brainstorm, or pick something that interests you. Next, research it thoroughly and write down the information in easy to read notes. Then sit down and write. Just write what comes to you freely, regardless of how it sounds. Write everything that you think is important to the topic and keep going until you have a rather sizable amount of information. Once you have finished the first part of the writing, sit back and proof read your work. Fix and cut out anything that isn't the way you want it. Go through the usual grammar and spelling checks as well as going through and making sure that it makes sense. Then have someone else read your work. Have them make suggestions and then go from there. Rewrite your paper and keep rewriting until you have it exactly the way that you want it.
When writing I tend to follow the steps listed above. Writing in my most comfortable clothes sitting or lounging on my bed in a quiet room. I write what comes to my mind and go with it until I can't anymore. Which is what I did with the free blog. I wrote the first thing that came to my mind and went with it. Then I revised it until I felt comfortable enough to have others read it.
I usually write everything out by hand first because it is often easier to conquer the blank page than it is to conquer the blank computer screen. Once I have it all written down I revise and reread it. Once I'm somewhat satisfied with what I've written I go to the computer and write. This process is faster if you have something already written out and it makes it easier to build off of. Once it's finished I print and have others read it, make suggestions, and pretty much tear the paper apart in order to get it perfect, or as close to it as possible. Then I revise and keep revising until I feel that it is the best that I can make it.
To conquer writer's block I usually walk away from whatever it is that I'm working on, take a break, and then come back to it later. If I don't have the time to just walk away I begin another brainstorming session or just start writing about random stuff. Something will usually come to me in the midst of all the madness.
So here it is, the method to my madness, it's what works for me. Having a well planned process behind the writing process itself. Yes, some could argue that my writing process is pretty anal, and that I do more work than necessary, but it's what works for me and it is what has worked for me since I was in Jr. High. You may not agree with me and that's fine, but if you're having trouble writing and collecting your thoughts, try it. You may find that it works better than you thought it would.
Jen

Starting to Feel Old...

Sitting back watching my ever growing family these past few weekends, I began to feel old! That's right, at the age of nineteen, I feel like an old lady. Most of my younger cousins and siblings are now growing so fast that I hardly recognize them. They all try to act so grown up, it makes me sad because they have no idea how fast their childhood will fly by. It pains me to know that most of them will lose their innocence and purity that goes along with being a child very shortly after they become more conscious of the world around them. Most of them live happily, content with being able to run free outside, catching bugs or "exploring," as most children often do.
Childhood is the one time in a person's life when they have no responsibility and don't have to acknowledge what is happening in the world around them. I remember running wild in the woods surrounding my house and walking in "the Forest" home from the neighbors house. I remember making our famous "dog bone stew" with my cousins. Rolling down huge hills in barrels or just rolling down without one, then sledding on those very same hills months later, was always a key activity in our family. Ice fishing, ice skating, snowball fights, and building snowmen were some of the more fun and more common winter activities that I participated in as a child. Birthday parties, Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Easter, my whole family was always together for everything.
Gradually, however, as the years went by, it has been harder to stay close. I realize that this is a result of everyone growing up and living their own lives, but I still miss the family gatherings at the lake or at someone's house. It upsets me to see how much our family has changed over the years and how much the younger kids of the family are truly missing out.
Growing up I had a blast! We played games all of the time. Wiffle ball, basketball, hide and seek, freeze tag, tag, red light-green light, and marco polo were some of our favorite games to play. Everyone played or at least watched. Family gatherings brought not only the immediate family, but it was like a family reunion every time that we all got together.
Over the years I have come to realize that family is the most important thing in my life. My family has relied on one another to survive some pretty intense situations and that closeness has been passed on the next generation. In case you didn't guess by now, my family is extremely close and would do just about anything for one another. We stand by one another through thick and thin. I've always felt safe and as though I belong, but I also have my own unique place within my strong family ranks. We each have our own strengths and weaknesses, but where one person may be weak, there's another right there ready and willing to help.
As a family we've roofed houses and built garages in a matter of days, working along side one another to get the job done. We help each other as much as possible. I can honestly name most of my family members as the type of people who'd give you the shirt off of their back. Just thinking about my family makes me realize how lucky I've been in the scheme of things.
Watching each of my twenty-plus cousins and my brothers and sister grow up is an amazing thing. They each are taking their out time in developing their skills, but they are evident in almost everything that they do. I can't help but try imagining where each of them will be some day. My siblings I have a pretty good idea where they'll end up. TPC will either become a lawyer, or a psychologist, but don't hold me to that, he might change his mind. He can talk his way around anything and in the end he'll have you agreeing with him. My sister will either be a teacher or a nurse because of her nuturing nature. She's also going to make a really good mom some day. My youngest brother is going to go into a trade of some sort, he's really hands on and likes to be outside. This is just my guess at what my sibling will eventually do, but who knows, life has a funny way of deciding things for you.
I can't even begin to imagine where my life would be if not for my family. They have given me everything that I have and have always been there for me. They have supported me in everything that I have done and hope to do. It is because of them that I embrace art and writing and have the strength to try both. If it is one thing that I have learned in my life, it is that without family, you're pretty alone in the world. Family is one of the few things that remain constant. Friends come and go, but family will always be there.
Jen

Saying Good-bye to Childhood Dreams

Nothing ever quite prepares you for the harsh reality of the "real world." You go through your whole life believing in things that shatter at the first bitter taste of reality. As a child you see life in one of the most amazing perspectives imaginable, but when you grow up and realize that the world doesn't live up to your standards, it's almost traumatic.
Growing up is hard enough to do, but add on all of the extra problems that we are are being confronted with in the world today, and you will realize that being young in the world is a scary thing to face. As the youth of the world, we are not only faced with the responsibility to fix what those before us have messed up, but also with the responsibilty to make a better life for ourselves and for those to come after us. It is almost impossible to even begin to comprehend the responsibilities that await me once I leave college.
As a child I always imagined living happily, growing up, meeting Mr. Right, and eventually having a family and home of my own. While I still hope that this will happen for me, my other dreams from my childhood seem so far away. I never thought about many of the major issues facing the world, then again, I was never expected to. Back then I was never really affected by what happened outside of my home, and while I am grateful to my parents for sheltering me, I wish that I was more prepared to handle everything that is going on in the world now.
Between the wars the now seem to be endless and countless, and the hatred and depravity that seem to be spreading, what hope is there for those dreams that have been all but given up on? I think back on everything that I once hoped and longed to do as a child and wonder what my life would be like if those dreams and aspirations came true for me. It is my belief that it's a sad world if children stop to dream because of the circumstances in which they live. Dreams are what formed society as it is today, if those dreams are lost, what hope is there for the future?
There's so much that's wrong with the world today that it makes me sick. There are homeless people in our country, people starving world-wide, and our environments are being abused. I never thought as a child I've have to face depleting our natural resources or Global Warming. It's all so overwhelming. Look around the world around you and just think about what it would have been like to live 100 or more years ago. At a time when there were more trees than anything, sure we have some great things in life now, but what would someone from 100 years ago say about the way we live, act, and treat one another?
I've always been known as "the dreamer" in my group of friends. One day I expressed my thoughts to CJC and her exact words were, "If you stop dreaming and believing, what hope does that leave the rest of us?" I still have faith that things have a chance of righting themselves in the world, but only time will tell. I may not have the idealic childhood dreams that I used to, but I still dream of something better, of something more.
Jen

Spreading My Wings

Well, here I am world. My name is Jen and I am Sophomore in college. This is my first publication online, and anywhere else for that matter. Hopefully this experience will improve my writing skills and open up new doors for me in the scary reality of the big world. As a college student life isn't exactly the easiest thing, despite what people may tell you. Sure, there are parties and a lot of fun things to do, but it's a challenge from start to finish. There's so much riding on one's success or failure, that it is at times overwhelming.
What I'm hoping to get out of this more than anything else is to get some constructive criticism. I hope to someday become a writer, whether or not it's as a career or a past-time it is something I look forward to doing. There's so much I want out of life, and only time will tell if I succeed and reach my goals. Well, here I am spreading my wings for the first time, hopefully the world won't be too harsh.
Jen