A Silent Battle Within

Discovering that you have a fertility problem is like a slap in the face.  One of the most natural things in the world and you find out that you can't achieve that on your own is a devastating blow and a tough pill to swallow. Enter the self doubt, resentment, anger and misery.

There is nothing that anyone else can say that will make it better.  Those that haven't experienced it haven't a clue as to what you're going through.  There's a gaping void inside of you and a sense of loss that you can't quite shake. You become angry at yourself, the world, and your husband.  

Nothing will make sense.  You will play the blame game. You start creating charts and alarms on your calendar and reminders on your phone.  Your sex life becomes one big scheduled science project.  There is no romance to it, it becomes a mechanical act.

You get to the point where you cannot be around pregnant women and babies.  You cannot speak to your friends that are pregnant, you cannot talk to them about their pregnancies or their children.  

There is this emptiness you feel.  This hollow aching pain that seems to consume you every single month that you start your period.  Gone were the days of praying that you would start.  You've tried everything in the book and still nothing seems to be working. 

Finally, when your marriage is on the verge of crumbling you sit and talk and decide that you need to seek assistance at a Fertility Clinic.  And while you are diagnosed with unexplained infertility or whatever form of infertility you're going through, they give you hope. 

The past two years has been a long silent battle for my husband and I.  We're still struggling with it.  After our first unsuccessful round of fertility treatments we needed to take time off.  As a side effect of the Clomid, I had Ovarian Cysts on both of my ovaries. It was at this point that we decided to take some time off.

It was not an easy decision to make.  It was something that we wrestled with for quite some time before choosing to put more of an effort into our relationship again. After being a human pin cushion for nearly 5 months I decided that I needed a breather. We took the past two months to get back to basics and focus on us for a bit.  There were no charts, no tests, and no stress.  We took time to be just us again, which was exactly what we needed at the time. 

In roughly three weeks, we should be going in for our first IUI and I'd be lying if I said we weren't extremely nervous.  While I want to be hopeful, I don't want to set myself up for more heartache. I kept quiet about what I was going through for so long. It was a constant struggle every single day to pull myself back together and paste on a smile for others. 

I'm in a better place now.  I can see a pregnant woman and smile wistfully. I can look a baby and not burst into tears.  While there is some resentment and bitterness towards certain aspects of my life, I can recognize that I need to get over it and be a better person. 

Life is what you make it.  This past year in particular has shaken my faith. I was so angry. I couldn't get past that.  I do have a blessed life and have learned and come to understand that I need to have a lot more faith that in the end everything will happen the way that the Big Guy Upstairs intends it to. 

The Journey of the Infertile

It's been quite a while since I've written anything as of late. Since the last time that I wrote on here things in my life have gotten a bit crazy.  The emotional roller coaster of life is at it again. I've been going through a new issue in my life.  The title for this next chapter in my life is pretty self-explanatory.

Now it has been roughly 19 months since my husband and I have been trying and we've still had no luck.  The heart break and disappointment seems to grow exponentially with every passing month and each cycle that started again. We've had our highs and lows and many tears along the way that have led us up to the point where we are now.

To give you a bit of  background on what I was feeling throughout all of this I'll clue you in on what I've said and left unsaid.  While I was thrilled and excited for friends and family who were sharing their exciting expectant news, on the inside I was experiencing a maelstrom of emotions.  I really truly was excited and genuinely happy for others, but I was devastated that it wasn't me. Weeping internally for the gift that I hadn't yet received and angry that I did things "the right way" and it hadn't happened yet for us.

I was livid that people seemed to be rubbing it in and beyond upset at the people joking about fake or prank pregnancies. Pissed off that unwed high school drop out teenagers (my cousin) had gotten pregnant and had a child or deeply grieving for the children that were being aborted by the mothers that couldn't be bothered and were using it as a form of birth control when I would have done and would do just about anything to get pregnant and have a child of my own. (This isn't directed at the women who have had to do this for medical reasons or because they've been assaulted, or even any woman in particular, it's more at the unfairness of the situation).

For over a year I tracked my cycle with apps and peeing on ovulation kit sticks.  Every month I'd buy two boxes of pregnancy tests because 'just in case'. I could buy stock in the companies and at least get some of my money back at this point.  There were months were I got to 5 days even 7 days late and I'd begin to get excited and hopeful only to have the onset of cramps and starting.  Then would come the tears with the cramps and beginning of my menstruation.

A little bit of me seemed to die each month.  That spark seemed to diminish that much more.  I lost myself along the way and felt like I was trapped, drowning in a sea of agony and misery. No one really knew or could even begin to understand. I tried to hide it, but I eventually started shutting down and shutting people out because I couldn't handle it anymore.

Infertility is like this horrible taboo. No one talks about it.  No one is open about it.  It is this close, personal, private struggle that leaves you feeling isolated and alone.  I didn't want to broadcast my problems to others as I'm a very quiet, private person.  However I'm well beyond that now. I need to talk about it, so that people understand that I'm not an emotional wreck for no reason.  So they understand why I break down crying in the store when I go near the baby aisle and why I've avoided pregnant women.

It was at the point where I was just at the point where I was going to give up that I was given the information for a specialist and clinic from a friend. I made the phone call setting up the initial appointment with a doctor for my husband and myself.  We filled out the obligatory packet of information (all 20 pages of it) and sent it back.  We had our medical records transferred and amped ourselves up for the appointment, for hope.  I made that initial appointment because I had decided that my behavior and the situation were no longer acceptable such as they were.

Over the following months I became a human pin cushion. I've had more blood drawn in the last 4 months than I've had drawn in the last 4 years. I've been poked, prodded and put through the ringer.  Ultrasounds, scans, x-rays, dye tests, you name it I've probably had it done.   Then there was my husband with semen analysis and blood work.   The worst part was next, the waiting.  I cannot tell you how anxious and nerve wracking the waiting is.   During this time so many things raced through our minds, from the worst case scenario to that hopeful excitement.

The results came back and it left us relieved and yet so frustrated. Unexplained infertility.  We had gone through all of that to be told it's unexplained infertility. There is no medical reason or explanation as to why we cannot and have not conceived, but it hasn't happened in 19 months. All of our numbers were fine.   The news was so relieving.  I cannot imagine being on the opposite side of things where there is something wrong with one or both of the people. Our fertility problems were already putting a strain on our marriage, never mind there being something wrong with one or the other or even both of us.

All of this was leading up to this past month. This month seemed to change things because it was the first time where I had hope again. Sure we found out that there was nothing medically wrong that would explain our infertility, but it didn't alleviate the fact that we were still infertile and would need help.

I've started watching my diet; cutting out processed carbs, gluten, sugar, dairy, etc. I will have small amounts of gluten here and there, but I avoid it where I can.  I have small amounts of sugars, but no candy or sweets.  I've been eating more fruits and veggies and just all around trying to be better. I've cut soda completely out of my diet, I drink iced tea or water instead.  Speaking of which, I've been drinking ridiculous amounts of water and trying to get in my vitamins daily. In doing so I've dropped almost 10 pounds in 2 weeks.

During this time I started my first round of fertility medications and treatments. After my baseline check with blood work and an ultrasound I was given the go ahead to take Clomid on days 5-9 of my cycle. I was on 50mg once a day during the 5 days.  I had my Ovidrel shot shipped to my house and refrigerated waiting for the go ahead.   On day 12 I went in for more blood work and another ultrasound and lo and behold the medication worked! I had 3 dominant follicles at 20mm, 1 at 15mm and another at 10mm, with another 20 that hadn't matured. (They look for follicles between 18-22mm in size before they give the "green light" for Ovidrel).

I got the call Tuesday at work giving me the "green light."  The wait for that phone call was nerve wracking with part excitement bubbling up inside me. I was cautioned that because there were 3 dominant follicles that I have around 10% chance of multiples if we do conceive this month.  We were given the option of putting it off a month and abstaining from further actions because of this chance, or going ahead with our plans.  We chose to go ahead with it and they have already scheduled our pregnancy test/blood work for April 23rd.

I got home Tuesday night and watched the instructional video for the Ovidrel 3 times to make sure that I understood what I was supposed to do. My husband watched it once as well just to be sure. The anticipation of it nearly had me throwing up.  I got everything ready, used the alcohol swab and prepared the medication.

The needle wasn't big at all!! It was such a small gauge that I barely noticed it going in. I mustered up the courage and did it myself, with my hands shaking and feeling a little light headed in the process.  Have I mentioned that I don't like needles? The medication stung, it was a dull achy sort of burn that lasted for a good 30 minutes or so and then it was just a dull ache at the injection site.

Of course we had to go along with things, this month was not IUI, but the good old fashioned baby dance and then the acrobatic routine of elevating and tilting my pelvis. I've heard various ridiculous forms of advice from anyone and everyone who thought they were being helpful. (ei. Use pillows, do a head stand, and numerous other crazy, specific positions, number of times, and mortifying bits of advice from one's mother or mother-in-law...) This time I just went with what the nurse suggested and left it at that.

Now on to how the medications were making me feel. Clomid already had me feeling a bit emotional at times. My boobs were feeling a bit sore and tender, the Ovidrel seemed to kick that right into over drive. My abdomen in achy and tender and when the Ovidrel really kicked in I was cramping pretty bad.  At one point it felt like I had been punched in the gut.  I'm not going to sugar coat it or lie about how I was feeling.  I wish someone had warned me about what I could be feeling from it all.

On my Wednesday commute to work I had an epic hot flash. It was in the low 30's F that morning and I was driving with the AC in my car on full blast, the windows rolled down and my coat off. I was a little queasy off and on, but that could have been nerves or anxiety. I felt aches and twinges in my abdomen, which progressively got worse as I already mentioned. It particularly worsened around the 24 hour mark after I took the injection and around the 36 hour mark, so I'm assuming I ovulated in that time frame.

We were given our instructions from the nurse and we've followed them.  I was cautioned by the nurse and forums that I've read online that I should not take an at home pregnancy test prior to April 23rd.  The Ovidrel will cause false positives on the at home tests.  So we shall see.  Everything that I've read about Ovidrel says that the side effects are all pregnancy like symptoms, which makes sense because the hormones in it trigger pregnancy.

I'm experiencing a myriad of emotions and thoughts through all of this.  If we have multiples, so be it, it'll be a one and done scenario and we will be that much more blessed.  If it is just one, then it one child that will be so cherished and loved. If it doesn't happen this  month, we have 3 more tries with the insurance covering it and after that 2 rounds of IVF.  I don't want to think about and discuss what would happen after that.  I'm so hopeful for this, but it's a cautious hopeful.  I don't want to shed anymore tears over something that I have no control over.

Easier said than done though.  This journey has been a difficult one. I've tried my best not to rage against the world and tell everyone off because how could they possibly know or understand?  How could someone who's never gone through this know what I'm feeling and going through?  The answer to that is that they don't.  Telling me to 'relax' and 'it'll happen' only served to make me more angry and upset, but I bottled it up because I knew that they were trying to be helpful. The good old "you could always adopt" was like a kick in the teeth because let's be honest, who the Hell has $30,000+ just kicking around in their bank account. The ignorance of people about fertility issues is astounding.  They don't mean to be rude or hurtful, but they are.

I've found that talking about it and being honest and open about it have helped me to recognize my feelings and emotions better. I've started reading a lot of blogs and forums and watching v-logs of women going through the same heartache and devastation.

I've recognized and come to understand that I have a right to feel what I feel and to express it.  Even if that means I have to walk away, get some air and come back.  I can be happy for others and grieve for my own infertility.  It's okay to do and feel that.  Just like it's okay for me to put aside my own issues and make a quilt for my cousin's unborn child.  Because bottom line, at the end of the day I'm going to love that child regardless of my own fertility issues.  That child will still be part of my family and I need to get over my own issues and not be so selfish as to ruin that excitement for others.

I'm working on being able to talk to and be around pregnant women, I work with 3 for crying out loud! With all of the twinges, tenderness, aches, hot flashes, and hormonal issues, I'm welcoming the experience.  I will take whatever comes my way and accept the outcome because now the situation is out of my hands.

I'm planning on blogging about this now because I think that I need to pay it forward.  If my story helps even one woman feel more okay, more like she's not alone then it will be worth it.

Now all I have to do is sit and wait. It's the beginning of my 2 week wait and the beginning of my infertility journey.  I'm trying not to let it consume my thoughts too much.  There's nothing that I can say or do to change things now at this point. So that is where I am at my friends.  I hope that those of you reading this and experiencing similar things can find some hope and comfort in this.  I know that I found comfort in realizing that I wasn't alone in this.

Live in the moment

As I begin to get older I begin realizing more than ever that life is what you make it.  More often than not I think many people take for granted the little things that make life so wonderful and enjoyable.  For me growing up was such an amazing experience.  Running free in the woods and fields, riding my bike everywhere, "exploring" the very same land that my father and his family that came before him grew up on. But gradually over time I began to out getting dirty and muddy less and less, and I stopped paying attention to a lot of the things that are taken for granted as a child.  I hadn't realized that I was doing it until I got to college and took the time to go outside more (being cooped up in a dorm room sucks!).  The changing of the seasons came slowly and gradually and as I began getting older I tried to pay more attention because when I wasn't, it was as if time was slipping through my hands.  

There is no fighting the inevitable, nor is there a way to stop the clock or slow it down, a terrifying thought for someone that once thought that they were invincible. There is only that steady pace of the hourglass spilling away what time we have here.  And I'm not going to lie, it terrifies me, the unknown and my mortality scare me, but I'm beginning to find peace in that thought.  Knowing that someday when I have lived out my time here to the fullest and have watched my children and theirs come into this world that I have done something worthwhile and lived a good life.  So I have begun to try to make the most of the blink of time that I have here in the world because you never know what tomorrow will bring or when it is done.  

A very wise person told me once that life is too short to worry about the little inconsequential things that often plague our minds.  Work is just work and a job is just a job, they come and go and yes are the means of our livelihoods, but they aren't so important that you worry yourself sick over them.  They aren't so important that you miss out on the important aspects of life, like a birthday or holiday or vacation.  Because at the end of the day, when all is said and done, none of that really matters.  Your life and what you do here is important, the people in our lives are important, the places we've seen and things we've done.  All of that is important.  My mom always told me to "leave work at work, when you clock out and come home you don't have to worry about work because you aren't on the clock anymore, so leave the job at the job and enjoy life."  Can't tell my mom ;) but this time she's right...again.

December 2007/January 2008, changed my life completely.  At the time I was having a difficult time transitioning back home from college and 6 months into my job.  I was unhappy, didn't know many people in the area anymore because most people I used to know moved away.  So I decided that I was going to try out one of those on-line dating sites, not necessarily with the expectations or hopes that I'd meet "the one" or "Mr. Right" but with the hope to talk to and connect with people in the area again.  Needless to say I'm now a year and a half into my relationship, the on-line site found a bunch of really nice people, but it also found my Mr. Right.  At the same time I signed up for the website I started going to the gym, no more sitting in the house watching TV, just because there was snow on the ground didn't mean it was an excuse to be lazy.  I also re-connected with some friends from high school and life as I knew it began changing.

I grew as a person in those few months and have much more since then.  I had the "life will happen" or "things will happen when they're meant to" mentality and it really wasn't working.  Life doesn't necessarily just happen, life is what you make it my friends!  If you're unhappy about something change it because you are the only one who can, no one can do it for you.  If you want something go after it!  Some people I know have this notion and expectation that they will meet the man/woman of their dreams randomly one day and it will be love at first sight, so they're waiting around for it to happen.  And maybe for some it does...eventually, but it's not going to happen if you don't at least get out of the house and make it happen.  Why would  you want to wait on the sidelines of life watching and waiting?  Wouldn't you rather be out there in the game?  Wouldn't you rather participate?

I've tried to participate more and be a part of things rather than sit back.  Yes, I'm still the observer at times.  I'm a people observer, they fascinate me with all their quirks and random actions, it's really quite entertaining try it some time.  But what I'm trying to say is don't let your life pass you by.  You don't want to one day finally come out of whatever state of mind you've been in to realize that life literally has passed you by.  We're only here for a blink of time in the grand scheme of things.  A small spark of light that is easily and quickly extinguished.  Our lives are a tiny flicker of light that is fragile and vulnerable. We aren't invincible, so don't go all crazy...but enjoy every minute and every second as if it were our last.  Make a memory every chance you get and cherish it.  

And that is the end of my random ramblings, it is way to early to be awake this early on a Saturday morning (my boyfriend is asleep snoring next to me while I'm wide awake typing)! Until next time... Live, Laugh, Love my friends!

Jen

There are a few issues or topics that have caused heated discussions between myself and others.  I'm not quite sure who is right or who is wrong because each of these topics has shades of gray that make it difficult to say what is the right answer.

My first topic is illegal immigrants and people in the US right now on work Visas when our economy is in shambles and American workers are being laid off.  I have a hard time stomaching the fact that there are so many illegal immigrants here mooching off the system and my tax dollars (especially in MA) pay for their housing, cars, cell phones, food stamps, and other bills, including schooling. While at the same time US born and raised citizens are struggling to pay their own bills and taxes, nevermind having to pay for people who technically, don't exist.  They have no paper trail here in many aspects.  Yes understand that the citizenship process is ridiculous, but illegal is illegal in my mind.  I'm working my ass off struggling to pay of student loans from college barely getting by and yet people come to this country with their hands out expecting a free ride and I say screw that!  Yes many of them come from conditions which we couldn't even imagine, however there is a legal way of being here.  I do believe that the process to becoming a citizen should be made a bit more attainable so that they can get citizenship and start paying taxes and live their own way.  My other issue personally with a place I  worked for was that they would bring people from all over the world to work here, buy their work visas, pay for their housing and their rental cars (which they switched and got new ones every 3 weeks) and at one point gave them a weekly "allowance" to buy groceries etc...plus they got a pay check...then they would bring their families pop out a few kids and bam, can't send them home now....get me very angry if you can't tell.  Because not only were they making more than me in general but basically all of their bills were taken care of at the expense of the company...American workers and citizens got laid off and yet all and I mean every single one of the people brought here are still working there with their housing and cars and pay checks taken care of...where's the fairness in that?

Another topic which is a very gray area for me is the topic of abortion.  As a woman I believe that it is my body, my choice, but do I think that I could ever do this? I don't know.  Growing up my family instilled very Christian values and beliefs in me so like I said it is a gray area.  I don't think that it should be used soley as a means of birth control, if you're dumb enough to get pregnant then you really should deal with the consequences.  Call me harsh or whatever but my mother could have just as easily chose not to have me as an 18 year old high school senior.  Adoption is always an option, yes I know that there are already so many children out there without homes, but does that justify killing?  I think that in the instances of rape or terminal or severe complications are certainly reasons for having an abortion and no one should judge any woman struggling with such a tormenting decision.  It is an agonizing thing to contemplate.  Do you have the baby knowing that it really isn't fair to bring the child into the world, when you aren't ready and can't provide for the child?  Do you go through the 9 months of carrying the child and then give birth and give the child up for adoption?  Do you have the abortion and live with that for the rest of your life?  How can anyone tell a woman what to do in such a situation?  It is a deep and painful moral and ethical decision that a woman must choose, and yes she should consult family, friends, doctors, her partner or spouse, but it all boils down to it being her final decision.  I had a pregnancy scare last year and it terrified me, but for me there really wasn't a choice, had I been pregnany I would have had the baby.

Another serious issue I have, espcially in the current state of the economy is the fact that our civil sevice workers, the police officers, firemen, emt's, etc are having their pay and numbers cut back to accomodate the budget (MA).  How is that a logical thing to do?  These men and women are first in line when things go wrong and they put their lives on the line for civilians day in and day out and the governor of MA justifies cutting back?  I honestly believe the man needs his head checked and to start packing his bags because there's no way in Hell that the man will be re-elected because honestly what the Hell has the idiot done for the state? (getting a bit heated but I'll be voting for anyone besides that man)  The men and women who serve as police, firemen, emts, etc. I thank you, for your dedication, your hard work and the sacrafices that you make everyday!

I also want to thank the men and women serving our country in the armed services for their sacrafice and dedication to make the world a little bit safer everyday!  Because regardless of how we, the civilians, may feel about a political issue or topic it is our duty to support our troops and pray for their safe return. Regardless of how much we may or may not agree with what they're doing, it doesn't really matter...what matters is that they are dedicated to a cause and believe in what they're doing, therefore they not only deserve our support but they have earned by time and again answering the call of duty, leaving behind their family friends and homes and going to distant lands to defend freedom.

And I believe that I am done rambling now.  I have vented and I feel better.  Even though you may or may not agree with my point of view at least try to stop and think and try to look at things from all angles and sides before forming an opinion.

Jen

It's been a while and life is pretty good

It's been a while since I've even thought to write here and in that time a lot has happened in my life.  Life altering events and historical moments that will be remembered by many...I have grown as a person in the time that has elaspsed since my last posting.  I've had to with the current state of things in life.  With the economy and job market in it's current situation it's been a rough go of things for a while.   Hours and people being cut back at work I am truly blessed and lucky to still have a job in my field.  The day in and day out routine of my life hasn't really changed much.  I mean I recently spread my wings a bit and moved out with my boyfriend, but life in general is as it has ever been.  Between going to work and then trying to spend as much time as possible with family and friends in my free time, I'm living a life full of love and laughter and that in my mind, makes me richer than anyone I know (despite my struggle to pay the bills...).

I'm finally learning to take care of me...not leaning so much on my parents for everything, though they still help me with some things.  Balancing a check book should be an easy enough concept however I never really remember to write everything down when I spend the money so hence the finance issues at times.  Buying groceries and all the other domestic things are a bit well mundane but I don't know how that's true when shopping with my guy (he's always trying to make me laugh, a gift for which I can't be greatful enough in life). Doing laundry and other chores is still just as boring and crappy as I remember it growing up, but now I realize just how much mom used to do around the house on her own and I'm finally understanding and appreciating the fact that the woman could not only run and take care of the houseshold, but still work a full time job. 

Life just is, and that is all I really want.  To go on and keep moving forward bit by bit and hopefully in the end I'll have accomplished something or have something to leave behind that is remembered or worthwhile.  I've tried having a more positive outlook on life because it really is just too short.  You truly will never know how or when or why it ends, but that's the reality of it.  Someday it does end, so you may as well make the most of our brief and enriched spark of life in the universe.  

Have you ever watched a movie or read a book or just had a life experience that completely snaps you out of your own little bubble and makes you really think?  I was watching a classic last year and that, I believe, was what helped me snap out of whatever  post-college funk I had fallen into. (the adjustment to living back home with my family was harder than I had ever imagined).  I was flipping through the channels one  dreary winter day and came upon "The Barefoot Contessa" now one of my roommates in college was a film major so I figured that I would give it a try and I loved it,  though  it was sad.  The motto, which I've kind of tried to use in my own life "che sara sara" roughly meaning "whatever will be, will be" has been something I try to remind myself of.  Life is far too short to stress over the inconsequential things.  So I try not to worry and stress quite so much.  Things in life are going to happen for no rhyme or reason that we discern, so it's how we handle these situations and little curve balls that God, destiny, the fates or whichever you deem the controlling factor in life, decides to throw your way.  Why worry so much about tomorrow when you can live today?

And now I will leave you with something a bit dark and pessamistic, however when these things come to mind I have to write them down or I can't focus on anything else.

falling shadows fill the air

day turns to dusk and night begins

silent voices scream in the night

and the world moves on without a care

madness and chaos take over the soul

purity and innocence all but die

rending the helpless incapable to fight

a taint and poison leeches in

a boiling rage simmers beneath the surface

waiting to unleash its fury on all

the frothing and foaming mouth drips

noxious fumes permeate the air

gnashing the teeth and crunching the bones

spitting on the ashes of a life no more

claws raking through the flesh of an empty shell

the soul has fled the pain and hate

calling out into the moonless sky

a harrowing bone-chilling sound

nowhere to run and nowhere to hide

too late it is done...

jmc 8/4/09

Letting It Go

I'm letting it all go now
I've got nothing left to lose
I'm walking away from the pain
Nursing the bleeding wound

I've walked the line in darkness
Losing sight of what is real
I've heard the whispers in the wind
And forgotten how to feel

I'm letting go of happiness
It was all just a dream
I'm walking away from the past
Turning away from what it seems

I've seen the Hell of reality
And tasted its bitter ash
I've gleamed the truth behind the lies
Bandaging the bleeding gash

I'm letting go of myself
And embracing the madness
I'm walking away from who I was
And falling to sadness

All that once held light to me
Falls dull and dim
What once was will never be again
It was swept away with him

I'm letting go of you
Because if I don't I'll lose
Everything that I am
And I just can't anymore

What the Hell is the world coming to?

Have you ever felt a bit overwhelmed? So completely surrounded and saturated in what's going on the world around you that you find it hard to breathe? I'm laying here in my dorm room thinking about duty and what's expected and how it all seems so pointless. I just want to be happy but I am finding with the more time that passes that it's harder to actually be happy in life. I never wanted this life for myself or my family, I would have wanted something else, something more...despite how selfish that sounds. I am constantly reminded of what I am supposed to be doing and all of the gratitude I owe those who "helped" me get to where I am today. And yet I find everything lacking in major proportions. This life is one of hardships and work.

I'm really sick of the way that things are turning out. For one I think that the war has been a bit dragged out and used to serve the purposes of those in power. I completely support the troops and believe that something should have been done to implament change, but I'm not sure that the right solution was found. I just wish that people didn't have to die and sacrafice their lives over something that has been controversial and vague since day one, but I suppose that is the way that war is.

I'm sick of not wanting to watch TV, or read the news because of all the negativity and bad things that are spotlighted. True I'd rather know about things than be completely kept blind to what is happening, but it's overwhelming seeing only the bad, it's almost as if there isn't much good left in the world. I know that isn't true, but it's how it feels watching all the rapists, murderers, child molesters, kidnappers, etc. getting away with it. It makes me sick knowing that I've grown up in such a place and such a time where not many people feel safe anymore.

What the Hell is the world coming to?

Beginning

So this is the beginning of another year. I start classes today and I'm not too sure how I feel about that. I'm not sure what I want to do when this year is done, and I'm tired of people telling me that I wasted fours years and thousands of dollars at school, when in reality, it's not wasted. I've gained something that no one can take away from me, knowledge. Had I been able to take time to think about what it is that I wanted with my life earlier on, maybe I wouldn't be in the situation that I'm in right now. Who's to say?
I start class in about two hours and I don't think that I'm ready to go. I'm not ready to move on and begin living like things are "normal" again. I have the lump in my throat that won't go away no matter what I say or do. I have this empty void that at times feels like it's drowning me. I just want to be happy, but who knows when that will ever happen at this point. My entire life is hanging by a thread right now. The shambles that are left after this summer are crumbling slowly and steadily.
Will it ever get better? Will the pain ever go away? I hope so and soon because I don't want to hurt anymore and I don't want this morose outlook on life to affect those around me.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So randomly one of my friends calls me and tells me she's got a problem. And all I kept thinking is that I can barely deal with my own right now, but I let her vent. Apparently she likes someone...big surprise there miss drama queen ;) ! The only problem is that he's her cousin's best friend...and the plot thickens. She doesn't know if she should tell him or just let things be and go with the flow. I keep telling her to let things work out on their own at least for the time being. He seems like he likes her as well from what she's told me, but that's only her side of the situation and I can't go ask him...that would be weird 'cause he doesn't know me all that well, so yeah can you say awkward.
My question to everyone who actually reads this, is does she actually go for it knowing that it might upset her cousin, or does she just act like nothing's going on, when it seems like there is? I don't know what to tell her because she usually makes a big deal out of nothing and reads into things a bit much, but I don't know what to say to her, it's hard.
If you have any input let me know.

The sanctity of life is lost amidst the ruins of it all,
The rebels rage their senseless battle through the night,
A lone star shines through the ash and smoke,
A false hope to the survivors of death and destruction,
Crosswinds blow the dust away from the mess,
Leaving the bare bones of society exposed to the elements,
A lone cry is heard out in the night,
A mournful goodbye called out,
The beginning of the end has begun and there's no excape,
Lost souls converge upon the light,
Fleeing the darkness of despair,
A last resort to find the way towards life,
Bitter endings sour the air,
As the warriors reap their victory upon their slaves,
Pilaging the masses as they go,
Taking with them the life and innocence,
The final hour draws near,
No place to go,
No place to hide,
The final show down into the unknown,
It is the beginning of the end.

Jmc 8/23/06

The more that I sit back and observe the world around me, the more I see things falling apart at the seams. Everything is being stretched to the limit and worn down to bare threads. It's depressing because pretty soon something's going to give and I have a feeling the it won't be too pretty.
I can't seem to let go of this eminent feeling of dread that's been building up for a while, call me cynical, pessimistic, fatalistic, whatever, but shit's going to hit the fan andI'm not sure taht I want to be there for it. Not everything is black and white and not everything is perfect. Most of the time what you read in fairy tales and other such fiction isn't even close to reality and it only makes reality that much more bitter.
I can't even watch the news on TV anymore because there is never anything good news or happy news. There is so much death, destruction, and corruption that I can't help but thinking what's the point in even watching? Especially since it's the same news over and over again, just different people, a different time and place.
Although I'm tired of the way that things are, there are some things that are worthwhile out there, it's just a matter of finding them and holding onto them. The simple pleasures in life are what make it all worth enduring. The little things that make you smile or laugh. Laughter is one of the things that the world needs more of.
It's truly amazing what hearing a contagious laugh can do to a room full or serious people. Laughter can change the mood of a situation almost immediately and completely. For instance, one of my best firends has a weird sense of humor but it grows on you, but what really gets you is his laugh. Its a chuckle, which is the only things that comes to mind when describing it. A deep bell chuckle that is so hard to resist that you often find yourself joining right in even if you don't know what you're laughing about.
Another one of my friends has this contagious little tinkling giggle. It's so light and care-free that you just join right in an let it all go. Some would findthe whole giggle thing annoying but its hard to resist.
Sometimes I just wish there was more to laugh at, things are getting a bit serious now and I know that it's all a part of life and growing up, but they say that laughter is the best medicine.

Well it's been a while since I've written anything and I figured that I probably should vent somewhere instead of bottling up all of my thoughts and emotions. To be quite frank I'm tired! I'm tired of the daily routine that never really deviates from the norm of what is expected or what is "right". I'm tired of living like everyone else does, day in and day out following the rules and doing what society deems appropriate, the Hell with that! In my opinion things need to change drastically. The way things are going now is going to lead to more problems than anyone knows how to deal with.
I'm really not sure that writing all of this down or saying all of this out loud will make any differnce but whatever works!
So here are some of the things that are pissing me off lately (and there's a lot):
1.) People telling me what to do and how to live my life
2.) People judging other without really getting to know them
3.) People leading others on and then disappearing from their lives only to reappear suddenly with someone else...
4.) The way that the government conveniently ignores or disregards the environmental problems facing the world
5.) The way that society deems that girls have to be rail thin to be attractive
6.) The way that society puts people down because they don't fit into a particular category or norm
7.) The way that no matter what you say no one seems to be listening and if they are they only hear what they want to
8.) The way that no matter how hard you try sometimes it's not quite enough
9.) How everytime a person goes who's had a past get's called out against or called upon they're automatically under the scrutiny and suspicion of everyone else
10.) That the inocent until proven guilty saying is less and less important
11.) That the justice system isn't as just as it should be
12.) That when a girl or young woman does the same things as a guy does... she's labeled a whore
13.) The double standard in life in general of genders...fuck that I've had it!
14.) How even though a girl is just as qualified in the field of technology or other male dominated careers she doesn't get the respect or credit that she deserves
15.) That when a girl does get into one of these fields everyone is waiting for her to screw up
16.) That no matter how hard you work to prove yourself it never seems good enough
17.) That even though we're "equal" other are given more privileges and rights
18.) How prejudices still plague our society but the government really doesn't recognize the problem
19.) How our country is so involved in the world's problems that it often overlooks the problems right here at home
20.) How when it comes to problems here the government is took stupid to accept the aid offered or there isn't any aid offered

Yeah I think you get the point the list could go on, but it felt really good to vent a little bit.

So now that the bitching is done I think that I should pay attention now...I'm in CAD class.

finding a lost part of me

I've walked the lonely road towards an unknown end, losing pieces of myself along the way. I never knew what I was working towards or what I was working for, I only knew that it was something that I had to do because that was what was expected of me. I've done what has been expected of me for so long and I've gone along that path willingly for the most part, but the more time that goes by I find myself questioning the path that I have chose, or that has been chosen for me.
I've reached yet another fork in the road of my life. To my left is the path that has been mapped out for me, neatly and precisely. To my right is a swirling mist leading to an end that no one knows. Do I follow what I've been working for and towards all along, or do I bear right, taking that path that is unclear and free to me? Can I truly break from the mold that has been made for me and my life? Do I really have a choice in this or is it another illusion that has been presented to make it seem like I really have a choice?
I'm at a point in my life where I find myself asking why more and more often than not. I wish that I could go back to that childlike innocence and simplicity in life. Even at my age I find it so hard to handle everything that is happening in the world around me and I find that I'm not quite certain that I am ready to join that part of the "real world" quite yet.
I'm expected to be an adult and to take part in everything that is occurring in the world, but what if I don't agree with a lot of what's happening? What if I don't believe in a lot of what's expected and supposedly right? What options are there for me to live my life the way that I want to if I can't even be myself?
SO much has happened to me so quickly since I was younger. I find it hard to digest it all, yet I'm supposed to continually keep up with everything else that is happening. It's suffocating me slowly and painfully. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know who I want to be, or what I even want anymore for that matter. All that I know is that I don't like where I am right now and where I'm headed.
I want so much more from this life, and I keep getting caught up at dead ends and rules and regulations that are supposed to dictate my life for me. These pointless stipulations make life easy for some and Hell for others. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth thinking about politics and the way that the world is turning out. It is slowly decaying with time and eroding away with the weather because of our own destruction. It pains me to think that I've been a part of the killing of our world.
As the years pass for me, the world and life loses more of its wonder and magic. The rose colored shades of my youth have been lifted and I see things more clearly now, which is most of my problem I suppose. I know that life isn't supposed to be easy, the challenge is half of the adventure of it, but is it really necessary for it to be this hard?
I'm so tired of school and doing what is supposedly the right thing. I'm burnt out from high school and I haven't quite recovered three years later. And yet here I am in college struggling to get by and do the right thing, but is it really the right thing for me? I've been thinking that it's not, yet I'm still here plugging along to keep everyone off my back. This isn't what I want, but maybe if I do this for them they'll lay off and give me some breathing room. All I ever wanted was to be happy in life, but I'm finding that the harder that I look for it, the farther I am from it.
I can't wait for Christmas break, maybe I'll get to catch up on some sleep and relax, then again maybe not. Who knows...

No Offense

I have deleted some of the comments posted to some of my entries...I apologize if they were sincere in their comment, but I have been getting random things linked to this site, cause problems with my computer...I meant no offense although if you were one of the site links that really don't pertain to anything to do with what I have to say...don't link with it!

Weekend with the roomies...

Well thus far this year it has been a rare thing for my two roommates and I to all be here on a weekend. This weekend, however, we were all here and let's just say that it was insane! Friday night we had a Halloween costume party...on campus...with alcohol! We ran out of alcohol after the first two hours and my roommate and I went to get more...after I was a bit on the tipsy side. It was great, I was a skanky pirate, one roomie was a hippie, the other was Red Fraggle, we had a Greaser, a 40's/50's girl, a stewardess, a cowgirl, Marty McFly, and I think that's it...too much drinking involved to remember more. All and all the party was great.
Saturday, we woke up, most with hangovers and greeted the day. My roomie went with me to get my fourth ... anyways yeah then we all went to see Elizabethtown, which YOU MUST GO SEE!!! It was such a great movie, I laughed, I cried, and I loved it! So that brings us to Sunday, a day of doing NOTHING at all. Now today is Monday and I'm scrambling to finish things...this is just a premature case of senioritis I think. Oh what a weekend...

Just Needed to Vent a Little

I've always tried to do my best. School is my thing as sad as that sounds. I've always done well in it. I'm not trying to sound conceited, it's just the facts.
I had a geography exam tonight that may just very well kill my grade! It was awful! My professor didn't go over anything. He wasn't here Tuesday to go over the materials, and we had a quiz. Then we had a worksheet and an exam today! No study guide, no hints as to what to study. Our first exam, and I really don't think that I did all that well on it. This class is a fucking Gen. Ed. and its harder than my 200/300 level classes! what the Hell is wrong with this place?

Seeing It All...

Friday I had the time of my life in New York City with my roommates Katie and Lindsey. We went with the Art Department here at school and went to see the Metropolitan Museum of Art. It was an amazing experience to be in the same room as painting by Van Gogh, Cezanne, Monet, and so many more. The beauty in their work was truly outstanding. We spent about two hours walking through the museum and ended up leaving, having only seen a small fraction of the exhibits.
Stepping out onto the streets of New York was almost overwhelming. I felt so small and insignificant compared to the massive buildings that surrounded me on all sides. The whole atmosphere of the city was busy and alive. We strolled through Central Park, which is like another world in itself right in the middle of the city. When you're in there you can hardly realize that you're in the middle of one of the largest cities in the world, and yet looking up into the skyline, the evidence is right there for you to see. The buildings are a backdrop for the green, sprawling park. We visited one of the ponds in the park where we found a statue of Alice in Wonderland and another of Hans Christian Andersen's Ugly Duckling. After resting and just enjoying the sites, we set out for our ultimate destinations, Rockefeller Center and Times Square.
Along the way we stopped taking pitchers of anything and everything, the locals could definitely tell we were tourists because they'd walk by and smile or smirk with that indulgent knowing look on their faces. We visited FAO Swartz and checked out the subway, but decided that it would be better to explore that later. So we continued on to Rockefeller Center, which was about thirty blocks from where we started, and that in itself was one Hell of a hike, but at the time, you don't really feel it.
We made it to Rockefeller Center and took pictures at Radio City Music Hall before continuing our steady pace to Times Square. We saw Broadway and Times Square and again I was reminded of just how small I am compared to all of the buildings there. The is the heart of the city. It has the most bustle and life out of anywhere that I've seen. We stood right in the middle of it all on the sidewalk that is in the middle of the street that you see on MTV and other shows. It was almost surreal. We spent hours just walking around and taking pictures.
Throughout our travels I saw so many different buildings and styles of buildings. The shear beauty of it overwhelmed me. Architecture is my thing and to see all of the work there is just astounding. I can't begin to describe what it was like for me to see it all. With that said however, seeing so many buildings falling down, condemned, or in ruin hurt a lot more than I thought that it ever would. I makes me seriously question my major for school. I hate seeing buildings fall into disuse and disrepair. It also reminds me of my mortality and the inevitable end that I will eventually meet. I've been so focused on school and getting it over with that I haven't really sat back and thought about if this is what I really what with the rest of my life. I don't want to work my life away on something that people are just going to let fall apart and be destroyed. It makes it all seem so pointless.
So after going on such a great trip and having so much fun, I am left feeling emotionally drained. I am sore from all of the walking that we did, but I am also weary from the poverty and the crumbling buildings that were obviously at one point in time magnificent buildings. So do I continue on this path that was laid before me or do I choose another one?

Deep Thoughts

So I find myself sitting here out on the porch of this falling down building that was once a home and I find myself lost. Lost in the cool night air. Questions swirling in my mind like the wispy clouds in the star-lit sky.
At this point in my life I realize my youth, yet recognize my age. I want so much for myself and my family. However, I can't seem to find the right path to choose. The chaos screaming loudly in my mind consumes all thought and purpose that I have at this point in my life.
Yet the silent night, calm for a weekend, soothes like nothing else. I'm seeking the answers in the stars like most otfen do, but when will I hear them?
Night after night I search for the impossible hoping for some miracle to set me free, but I digress. I know that it is just wishful thinking on my part.
Dreams don't come true, I lost hope of that a long time ago.
Sitting here surroudned by rotting past dreams I wait. There's no knight and shining armor coming to my rescue, no prince charming to sweep me off my feet. My soul is that of a lady from a forgotten time, surrounded by the material, superficial facets of this world. No chivalry or gallantry for me. Just the aching longing that grows with the passage of time.
I am alone.
There is no one in this world to save me from this prison. I am trapped, forced to bear witness to the slow decay of life anf innocence. The good in this world slowly rots with no eminant cure.
I alone stand here at the brink in this madness of tormented souls and indulgence of sin. "A life without love is no life at all," is what they say. To a certain point I believe them, but only to a certain point.
Once life has lost that sparkle, the magic it really isn't worth living. What point is there to drift in the gray ash of a life that once was?
Am I ever going to find what I need in this life? I often take for granted all of the things in this life that are still here, real and thriving. They may not hold all of the beauty and ideals that my soul craves like nourishment but they are here.
I can feel this world slowly dying around me, slipping farther with every breath that I take. With each passing season the vividness of the world fades, the vibrant colors are a shade duller, and nothing that once held some significanceeven exists anymore. I watch as each day the world that once was, slips away a little more.
And yet my ramblings written here are never heard, as they never are any night. Each day my heart breaks a little more.
I don't see how any of this is going to make a difference in the big picture of things, but at least I will resteasier having finally said it, if only here in this page where only I will likely read it. My thoughts are my own, my salvation in the madness, the only thing that is truly mine.
Here I confide my thoughts, my mind's deepest secrets, my very heart and soul. Here and here alone am I able to quench my thirst, if only for that brief moment when I let down my guard and give way to hopeless dreams and wishes.
Nothing I seem to do can end this constant agonywhich plagues my soul. I fight against the mainstream only to fall short of the expectations set upon me. I want to make it right, but I just want to be myself. I can't do that here and now, in this world of hatred and greed.
I want the simplicity, integrity, honesty, and purity of the ages lost to fate and destiny. I have an ancient soul trapped in the body of youth, screaming for sanctuary from the pain, but no safe-haven exists for this spirit.
To watch life but not participate is my living Hell. I see the world around me and yet am unable to fit in enough to live in it. I skirt around the edges of "civilization," watching the peons keep coming back for more and the emperors brush them aside without a second glance. There is no Paradise for me, no peace to be had here. I am alone.
For fleeting moments I catch glimpses of the life that I yearn for, but they go as quickly as they appear. As much as I hate to hope for something hopeless I know that it must be out there, somewhere, in the vastness of this world.
Will I ever find that dream? Will I ever find the happiness I need to survive? I;m slowly dying here, decaying with the passage of time, much like the world around me.
Shooting stars and fairy dust have lost thier magic and are like any other gems pulled from the bowles of this land. Heavenly landscapes and wonderous wildlife are disappearing in the evergrowing shadows.
What once was is now lost. There are none now to fight it, to stand against the inevitable turn of the tide. We are at the brink of extinction and yet most go on blissfully ignorant to the consequnces, no warnings will be givcven, no mercy shall we recieve, in short all Hell will break lose and it will be the beginning of the end.
Who are we to deal judgement? We play judge, jury and executioner as if it were our job! There is no justice here, no redemption, and no peace. All is rotted to the core of its very existence.
So here I sit a lonley old soul, lost amidst the chaos and death, searching for the way. Looking about I see nothing but darkness as the stars are veiled in the midnight sky. Will the light shine again or am I lost here in the dark for all time? Is there a way out from this prison of mailce and gore? Shadowed beings gorge themselves on the innocence, taking it cruely before its their time and there is nothing that I can do, not alone.
Who will stand with me in the dark? There is no one here, not a sould I can recognize. I am alone.

~I wrote this passage 4/8/05 while sitting on the porch of the house I was living in on campus...take it as you will...it is some of me deepest thoughts and feelings on what is happening in the world around me. Jen

Homecoming...

Well, this is it... It's the night before heading back to Keene for another year of broadening my mind. In any case this summer has flown by so fast that my head is spinning. I worked 12 hour days and 60 hour weeks on my feet, hoping to save enough money...But the outcome is yet to be seen. It's hard to think about the reality of what tomorrow means for me. It means the beginning of my junior year, putting me another year closer to facing the real world.
Eventhough I've been home for almost 4 months I haven't spent much time with my family, nor have I seen much of my family on a day to day basis. As I get a little older I realize just how important my family is to me and just what it means to me knowing that they'll be there no matter what. Through the ups and downs they've been there and for that I'm grateful.
I have become the person that I am and the person that I am striving to be because of them and their un conditional love and support. So going back to school puts me back in my element as weird as that may sound. Not because I don't want to be literally at home with my family, but because at school I'm continuing everything that I've been working towards, which all goes back to my family.
With that said however, school at least for me is like a second home. I'm comfortable there and do well. I'm anxious to go back, yet uncertain about leaving just yet. Then again I am every year...Wow I'm full of contradictions and lots of caffeine, so I'm going to end the rambling here and now.
Jen

Hey People...

I just checked on some of my comments because I haven't posted or check on my clog in a while and I got a response from heyzues. I definitely think that we are among the few who actually still have these things going but oh well, it's a way to vent right? Anyways the answer to your question is that I have Friedman for Creative Writing. The class is going pretty good, but then again we've still got a few weeks of class left, so who knows how everything will turn out.
I hope that everything is going well for all my fellow bloggers in the world...They're going pretty well for me, or as well as can be expected. I'm at school, what do you expect? It's not the greatest, but it sure as Hell beats dealing with all of the assholes in the real world.

Well, I'm off to get some stuff done before I turn in...Until next time.
Jen

The One That Got Away...

Have you ever loved someone, but let them go because you were too scared to take that next step? I know it sounds like something you'd read about in a cheesy romance novel or see on a soap opera, but isn't that the way that life goes? Everyone always comes to me telling me about their problems, bitching about their love life issues and this particular entry is about one of my best friend's experiences. She called me the other day crying about how she loved this guy that she was best friends with...Well I'll just tell you about it.

(Initials have been changed and the story slightly altered timewise and such to hide a certain someone's identity...)

M.J. was your average girl in high school. She got decent grades and was pretty involved in just about everything around school. Although she was liked by most people, she didn't really associate with many people back in high school because she, like myself and our friends, didn't believe that many of the people in our school were genuine. However, we did have a close knot group of friends that we'd hang out with.
Anyways, we were best friends and we while we were close, her closest friend was S.S. They had grown up around each other for most of their lives and knew each other really well. She confided everything in him, more so than she did with any of the rest of us.
As time went by we all noticed the sexual tension building between the two of them as the hormones started to rage, but neither would make a move. She didn't want to see their friendship change and he feared losing her or scaring her off. So at times it was pretty awkward at the lunch table.
Soon enough senior year started and S.S. finally made a move, asking her to the movies and she agreed to go. She told me then that they were going as friends, but the rest of us knew that he wanted them to be more. M.J. Told me she liked him and was attracted to him, but she really just wasn't ready for anything serious.
We all went together and had a blast, but I could tell that M.J. was a little uncomfortable. She noticed the looks that S.S. was giving her. I mean if he stared any harder his eyes would have fallen out and I was surprised he didn't need a bib for the drool that almost fell out of his open mouth. All of us girls went on a shopping spree the day before and bought some fun outfits...
As the night progressed the tension built and it was obvious that he wanted to let her know how he felt and he told her. She ran to me in a panic, not knowing how to react. Well I told her to just go with it, but my advice fell on deaf ears and I swear you could hear his heart breaking a mile away when she "let him down."
He really liked her, we could see that. And she liked him, but serious relationships scared the Hell out of the poor girl, she'd been hurt too many times before... So things were really awkward from there on. They were close but he held back from her and she didn't know how to act around him anymore. Graduation came and went and we all left for college. They kept in touch with each other and you know how the saying goes, "absence makes the heart grow fonder," well yeah according to her it does.
M.J. breaks S.S.'s heart, goes seven hours away to school and decides that she's in love with her childhood best friend from high school, almost two years after moving...Now is it me or is that just fucked up? So back to the phone call...Apparently he called her the other day telling her about this girl that he met a while back. He gets into how great she is and how special she is...M.J. Totally freaks and calls me crying because now she decides that she wants him, but obviously can't have him...High school drama was supposed to stop in high school right?...I mean if I'm wrong someone please tell me or just put me out of my misery because I hated drama queens in high school and now apparently my friend has not only turned into a whining, high maintenance girlie-girl, but she's now a drama queen as well. Damn, what happened to the girl who'd help me take on the guys in football?...
So what do I tell her? Does she confess to him that she loves him and always has? or does she stand back and let him have his happiness? I don't know what to do or what to tell her, but this is driving me crazy...Then again relationship issues that weren't my own, usually did.
Jen