Deep Thoughts

So I find myself sitting here out on the porch of this falling down building that was once a home and I find myself lost. Lost in the cool night air. Questions swirling in my mind like the wispy clouds in the star-lit sky.
At this point in my life I realize my youth, yet recognize my age. I want so much for myself and my family. However, I can't seem to find the right path to choose. The chaos screaming loudly in my mind consumes all thought and purpose that I have at this point in my life.
Yet the silent night, calm for a weekend, soothes like nothing else. I'm seeking the answers in the stars like most otfen do, but when will I hear them?
Night after night I search for the impossible hoping for some miracle to set me free, but I digress. I know that it is just wishful thinking on my part.
Dreams don't come true, I lost hope of that a long time ago.
Sitting here surroudned by rotting past dreams I wait. There's no knight and shining armor coming to my rescue, no prince charming to sweep me off my feet. My soul is that of a lady from a forgotten time, surrounded by the material, superficial facets of this world. No chivalry or gallantry for me. Just the aching longing that grows with the passage of time.
I am alone.
There is no one in this world to save me from this prison. I am trapped, forced to bear witness to the slow decay of life anf innocence. The good in this world slowly rots with no eminant cure.
I alone stand here at the brink in this madness of tormented souls and indulgence of sin. "A life without love is no life at all," is what they say. To a certain point I believe them, but only to a certain point.
Once life has lost that sparkle, the magic it really isn't worth living. What point is there to drift in the gray ash of a life that once was?
Am I ever going to find what I need in this life? I often take for granted all of the things in this life that are still here, real and thriving. They may not hold all of the beauty and ideals that my soul craves like nourishment but they are here.
I can feel this world slowly dying around me, slipping farther with every breath that I take. With each passing season the vividness of the world fades, the vibrant colors are a shade duller, and nothing that once held some significanceeven exists anymore. I watch as each day the world that once was, slips away a little more.
And yet my ramblings written here are never heard, as they never are any night. Each day my heart breaks a little more.
I don't see how any of this is going to make a difference in the big picture of things, but at least I will resteasier having finally said it, if only here in this page where only I will likely read it. My thoughts are my own, my salvation in the madness, the only thing that is truly mine.
Here I confide my thoughts, my mind's deepest secrets, my very heart and soul. Here and here alone am I able to quench my thirst, if only for that brief moment when I let down my guard and give way to hopeless dreams and wishes.
Nothing I seem to do can end this constant agonywhich plagues my soul. I fight against the mainstream only to fall short of the expectations set upon me. I want to make it right, but I just want to be myself. I can't do that here and now, in this world of hatred and greed.
I want the simplicity, integrity, honesty, and purity of the ages lost to fate and destiny. I have an ancient soul trapped in the body of youth, screaming for sanctuary from the pain, but no safe-haven exists for this spirit.
To watch life but not participate is my living Hell. I see the world around me and yet am unable to fit in enough to live in it. I skirt around the edges of "civilization," watching the peons keep coming back for more and the emperors brush them aside without a second glance. There is no Paradise for me, no peace to be had here. I am alone.
For fleeting moments I catch glimpses of the life that I yearn for, but they go as quickly as they appear. As much as I hate to hope for something hopeless I know that it must be out there, somewhere, in the vastness of this world.
Will I ever find that dream? Will I ever find the happiness I need to survive? I;m slowly dying here, decaying with the passage of time, much like the world around me.
Shooting stars and fairy dust have lost thier magic and are like any other gems pulled from the bowles of this land. Heavenly landscapes and wonderous wildlife are disappearing in the evergrowing shadows.
What once was is now lost. There are none now to fight it, to stand against the inevitable turn of the tide. We are at the brink of extinction and yet most go on blissfully ignorant to the consequnces, no warnings will be givcven, no mercy shall we recieve, in short all Hell will break lose and it will be the beginning of the end.
Who are we to deal judgement? We play judge, jury and executioner as if it were our job! There is no justice here, no redemption, and no peace. All is rotted to the core of its very existence.
So here I sit a lonley old soul, lost amidst the chaos and death, searching for the way. Looking about I see nothing but darkness as the stars are veiled in the midnight sky. Will the light shine again or am I lost here in the dark for all time? Is there a way out from this prison of mailce and gore? Shadowed beings gorge themselves on the innocence, taking it cruely before its their time and there is nothing that I can do, not alone.
Who will stand with me in the dark? There is no one here, not a sould I can recognize. I am alone.

~I wrote this passage 4/8/05 while sitting on the porch of the house I was living in on campus...take it as you will...it is some of me deepest thoughts and feelings on what is happening in the world around me. Jen