I've walked the lonely road towards an unknown end, losing pieces of myself along the way. I never knew what I was working towards or what I was working for, I only knew that it was something that I had to do because that was what was expected of me. I've done what has been expected of me for so long and I've gone along that path willingly for the most part, but the more time that goes by I find myself questioning the path that I have chose, or that has been chosen for me.
I've reached yet another fork in the road of my life. To my left is the path that has been mapped out for me, neatly and precisely. To my right is a swirling mist leading to an end that no one knows. Do I follow what I've been working for and towards all along, or do I bear right, taking that path that is unclear and free to me? Can I truly break from the mold that has been made for me and my life? Do I really have a choice in this or is it another illusion that has been presented to make it seem like I really have a choice?
I'm at a point in my life where I find myself asking why more and more often than not. I wish that I could go back to that childlike innocence and simplicity in life. Even at my age I find it so hard to handle everything that is happening in the world around me and I find that I'm not quite certain that I am ready to join that part of the "real world" quite yet.
I'm expected to be an adult and to take part in everything that is occurring in the world, but what if I don't agree with a lot of what's happening? What if I don't believe in a lot of what's expected and supposedly right? What options are there for me to live my life the way that I want to if I can't even be myself?
SO much has happened to me so quickly since I was younger. I find it hard to digest it all, yet I'm supposed to continually keep up with everything else that is happening. It's suffocating me slowly and painfully. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know who I want to be, or what I even want anymore for that matter. All that I know is that I don't like where I am right now and where I'm headed.
I want so much more from this life, and I keep getting caught up at dead ends and rules and regulations that are supposed to dictate my life for me. These pointless stipulations make life easy for some and Hell for others. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth thinking about politics and the way that the world is turning out. It is slowly decaying with time and eroding away with the weather because of our own destruction. It pains me to think that I've been a part of the killing of our world.
As the years pass for me, the world and life loses more of its wonder and magic. The rose colored shades of my youth have been lifted and I see things more clearly now, which is most of my problem I suppose. I know that life isn't supposed to be easy, the challenge is half of the adventure of it, but is it really necessary for it to be this hard?
I'm so tired of school and doing what is supposedly the right thing. I'm burnt out from high school and I haven't quite recovered three years later. And yet here I am in college struggling to get by and do the right thing, but is it really the right thing for me? I've been thinking that it's not, yet I'm still here plugging along to keep everyone off my back. This isn't what I want, but maybe if I do this for them they'll lay off and give me some breathing room. All I ever wanted was to be happy in life, but I'm finding that the harder that I look for it, the farther I am from it.
I can't wait for Christmas break, maybe I'll get to catch up on some sleep and relax, then again maybe not. Who knows...
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