I'm letting it all go now
I've got nothing left to lose
I'm walking away from the pain
Nursing the bleeding wound
I've walked the line in darkness
Losing sight of what is real
I've heard the whispers in the wind
And forgotten how to feel
I'm letting go of happiness
It was all just a dream
I'm walking away from the past
Turning away from what it seems
I've seen the Hell of reality
And tasted its bitter ash
I've gleamed the truth behind the lies
Bandaging the bleeding gash
I'm letting go of myself
And embracing the madness
I'm walking away from who I was
And falling to sadness
All that once held light to me
Falls dull and dim
What once was will never be again
It was swept away with him
I'm letting go of you
Because if I don't I'll lose
Everything that I am
And I just can't anymore
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
What the Hell is the world coming to?
Have you ever felt a bit overwhelmed? So completely surrounded and saturated in what's going on the world around you that you find it hard to breathe? I'm laying here in my dorm room thinking about duty and what's expected and how it all seems so pointless. I just want to be happy but I am finding with the more time that passes that it's harder to actually be happy in life. I never wanted this life for myself or my family, I would have wanted something else, something more...despite how selfish that sounds. I am constantly reminded of what I am supposed to be doing and all of the gratitude I owe those who "helped" me get to where I am today. And yet I find everything lacking in major proportions. This life is one of hardships and work.
I'm really sick of the way that things are turning out. For one I think that the war has been a bit dragged out and used to serve the purposes of those in power. I completely support the troops and believe that something should have been done to implament change, but I'm not sure that the right solution was found. I just wish that people didn't have to die and sacrafice their lives over something that has been controversial and vague since day one, but I suppose that is the way that war is.
I'm sick of not wanting to watch TV, or read the news because of all the negativity and bad things that are spotlighted. True I'd rather know about things than be completely kept blind to what is happening, but it's overwhelming seeing only the bad, it's almost as if there isn't much good left in the world. I know that isn't true, but it's how it feels watching all the rapists, murderers, child molesters, kidnappers, etc. getting away with it. It makes me sick knowing that I've grown up in such a place and such a time where not many people feel safe anymore.
What the Hell is the world coming to?
I'm really sick of the way that things are turning out. For one I think that the war has been a bit dragged out and used to serve the purposes of those in power. I completely support the troops and believe that something should have been done to implament change, but I'm not sure that the right solution was found. I just wish that people didn't have to die and sacrafice their lives over something that has been controversial and vague since day one, but I suppose that is the way that war is.
I'm sick of not wanting to watch TV, or read the news because of all the negativity and bad things that are spotlighted. True I'd rather know about things than be completely kept blind to what is happening, but it's overwhelming seeing only the bad, it's almost as if there isn't much good left in the world. I know that isn't true, but it's how it feels watching all the rapists, murderers, child molesters, kidnappers, etc. getting away with it. It makes me sick knowing that I've grown up in such a place and such a time where not many people feel safe anymore.
What the Hell is the world coming to?
Monday, August 28, 2006
Beginning
So this is the beginning of another year. I start classes today and I'm not too sure how I feel about that. I'm not sure what I want to do when this year is done, and I'm tired of people telling me that I wasted fours years and thousands of dollars at school, when in reality, it's not wasted. I've gained something that no one can take away from me, knowledge. Had I been able to take time to think about what it is that I wanted with my life earlier on, maybe I wouldn't be in the situation that I'm in right now. Who's to say?
I start class in about two hours and I don't think that I'm ready to go. I'm not ready to move on and begin living like things are "normal" again. I have the lump in my throat that won't go away no matter what I say or do. I have this empty void that at times feels like it's drowning me. I just want to be happy, but who knows when that will ever happen at this point. My entire life is hanging by a thread right now. The shambles that are left after this summer are crumbling slowly and steadily.
Will it ever get better? Will the pain ever go away? I hope so and soon because I don't want to hurt anymore and I don't want this morose outlook on life to affect those around me.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
So randomly one of my friends calls me and tells me she's got a problem. And all I kept thinking is that I can barely deal with my own right now, but I let her vent. Apparently she likes someone...big surprise there miss drama queen ;) ! The only problem is that he's her cousin's best friend...and the plot thickens. She doesn't know if she should tell him or just let things be and go with the flow. I keep telling her to let things work out on their own at least for the time being. He seems like he likes her as well from what she's told me, but that's only her side of the situation and I can't go ask him...that would be weird 'cause he doesn't know me all that well, so yeah can you say awkward.
My question to everyone who actually reads this, is does she actually go for it knowing that it might upset her cousin, or does she just act like nothing's going on, when it seems like there is? I don't know what to tell her because she usually makes a big deal out of nothing and reads into things a bit much, but I don't know what to say to her, it's hard.
If you have any input let me know.
I start class in about two hours and I don't think that I'm ready to go. I'm not ready to move on and begin living like things are "normal" again. I have the lump in my throat that won't go away no matter what I say or do. I have this empty void that at times feels like it's drowning me. I just want to be happy, but who knows when that will ever happen at this point. My entire life is hanging by a thread right now. The shambles that are left after this summer are crumbling slowly and steadily.
Will it ever get better? Will the pain ever go away? I hope so and soon because I don't want to hurt anymore and I don't want this morose outlook on life to affect those around me.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
So randomly one of my friends calls me and tells me she's got a problem. And all I kept thinking is that I can barely deal with my own right now, but I let her vent. Apparently she likes someone...big surprise there miss drama queen ;) ! The only problem is that he's her cousin's best friend...and the plot thickens. She doesn't know if she should tell him or just let things be and go with the flow. I keep telling her to let things work out on their own at least for the time being. He seems like he likes her as well from what she's told me, but that's only her side of the situation and I can't go ask him...that would be weird 'cause he doesn't know me all that well, so yeah can you say awkward.
My question to everyone who actually reads this, is does she actually go for it knowing that it might upset her cousin, or does she just act like nothing's going on, when it seems like there is? I don't know what to tell her because she usually makes a big deal out of nothing and reads into things a bit much, but I don't know what to say to her, it's hard.
If you have any input let me know.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
The sanctity of life is lost amidst the ruins of it all,
The rebels rage their senseless battle through the night,
A lone star shines through the ash and smoke,
A false hope to the survivors of death and destruction,
Crosswinds blow the dust away from the mess,
Leaving the bare bones of society exposed to the elements,
A lone cry is heard out in the night,
A mournful goodbye called out,
The beginning of the end has begun and there's no excape,
Lost souls converge upon the light,
Fleeing the darkness of despair,
A last resort to find the way towards life,
Bitter endings sour the air,
As the warriors reap their victory upon their slaves,
Pilaging the masses as they go,
Taking with them the life and innocence,
The final hour draws near,
No place to go,
No place to hide,
The final show down into the unknown,
It is the beginning of the end.
Jmc 8/23/06
Saturday, March 25, 2006
The more that I sit back and observe the world around me, the more I see things falling apart at the seams. Everything is being stretched to the limit and worn down to bare threads. It's depressing because pretty soon something's going to give and I have a feeling the it won't be too pretty.
I can't seem to let go of this eminent feeling of dread that's been building up for a while, call me cynical, pessimistic, fatalistic, whatever, but shit's going to hit the fan andI'm not sure taht I want to be there for it. Not everything is black and white and not everything is perfect. Most of the time what you read in fairy tales and other such fiction isn't even close to reality and it only makes reality that much more bitter.
I can't even watch the news on TV anymore because there is never anything good news or happy news. There is so much death, destruction, and corruption that I can't help but thinking what's the point in even watching? Especially since it's the same news over and over again, just different people, a different time and place.
Although I'm tired of the way that things are, there are some things that are worthwhile out there, it's just a matter of finding them and holding onto them. The simple pleasures in life are what make it all worth enduring. The little things that make you smile or laugh. Laughter is one of the things that the world needs more of.
It's truly amazing what hearing a contagious laugh can do to a room full or serious people. Laughter can change the mood of a situation almost immediately and completely. For instance, one of my best firends has a weird sense of humor but it grows on you, but what really gets you is his laugh. Its a chuckle, which is the only things that comes to mind when describing it. A deep bell chuckle that is so hard to resist that you often find yourself joining right in even if you don't know what you're laughing about.
Another one of my friends has this contagious little tinkling giggle. It's so light and care-free that you just join right in an let it all go. Some would findthe whole giggle thing annoying but its hard to resist.
Sometimes I just wish there was more to laugh at, things are getting a bit serious now and I know that it's all a part of life and growing up, but they say that laughter is the best medicine.
I can't seem to let go of this eminent feeling of dread that's been building up for a while, call me cynical, pessimistic, fatalistic, whatever, but shit's going to hit the fan andI'm not sure taht I want to be there for it. Not everything is black and white and not everything is perfect. Most of the time what you read in fairy tales and other such fiction isn't even close to reality and it only makes reality that much more bitter.
I can't even watch the news on TV anymore because there is never anything good news or happy news. There is so much death, destruction, and corruption that I can't help but thinking what's the point in even watching? Especially since it's the same news over and over again, just different people, a different time and place.
Although I'm tired of the way that things are, there are some things that are worthwhile out there, it's just a matter of finding them and holding onto them. The simple pleasures in life are what make it all worth enduring. The little things that make you smile or laugh. Laughter is one of the things that the world needs more of.
It's truly amazing what hearing a contagious laugh can do to a room full or serious people. Laughter can change the mood of a situation almost immediately and completely. For instance, one of my best firends has a weird sense of humor but it grows on you, but what really gets you is his laugh. Its a chuckle, which is the only things that comes to mind when describing it. A deep bell chuckle that is so hard to resist that you often find yourself joining right in even if you don't know what you're laughing about.
Another one of my friends has this contagious little tinkling giggle. It's so light and care-free that you just join right in an let it all go. Some would findthe whole giggle thing annoying but its hard to resist.
Sometimes I just wish there was more to laugh at, things are getting a bit serious now and I know that it's all a part of life and growing up, but they say that laughter is the best medicine.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Well it's been a while since I've written anything and I figured that I probably should vent somewhere instead of bottling up all of my thoughts and emotions. To be quite frank I'm tired! I'm tired of the daily routine that never really deviates from the norm of what is expected or what is "right". I'm tired of living like everyone else does, day in and day out following the rules and doing what society deems appropriate, the Hell with that! In my opinion things need to change drastically. The way things are going now is going to lead to more problems than anyone knows how to deal with.
I'm really not sure that writing all of this down or saying all of this out loud will make any differnce but whatever works!
So here are some of the things that are pissing me off lately (and there's a lot):
1.) People telling me what to do and how to live my life
2.) People judging other without really getting to know them
3.) People leading others on and then disappearing from their lives only to reappear suddenly with someone else...
4.) The way that the government conveniently ignores or disregards the environmental problems facing the world
5.) The way that society deems that girls have to be rail thin to be attractive
6.) The way that society puts people down because they don't fit into a particular category or norm
7.) The way that no matter what you say no one seems to be listening and if they are they only hear what they want to
8.) The way that no matter how hard you try sometimes it's not quite enough
9.) How everytime a person goes who's had a past get's called out against or called upon they're automatically under the scrutiny and suspicion of everyone else
10.) That the inocent until proven guilty saying is less and less important
11.) That the justice system isn't as just as it should be
12.) That when a girl or young woman does the same things as a guy does... she's labeled a whore
13.) The double standard in life in general of genders...fuck that I've had it!
14.) How even though a girl is just as qualified in the field of technology or other male dominated careers she doesn't get the respect or credit that she deserves
15.) That when a girl does get into one of these fields everyone is waiting for her to screw up
16.) That no matter how hard you work to prove yourself it never seems good enough
17.) That even though we're "equal" other are given more privileges and rights
18.) How prejudices still plague our society but the government really doesn't recognize the problem
19.) How our country is so involved in the world's problems that it often overlooks the problems right here at home
20.) How when it comes to problems here the government is took stupid to accept the aid offered or there isn't any aid offered
Yeah I think you get the point the list could go on, but it felt really good to vent a little bit.
So now that the bitching is done I think that I should pay attention now...I'm in CAD class.
I'm really not sure that writing all of this down or saying all of this out loud will make any differnce but whatever works!
So here are some of the things that are pissing me off lately (and there's a lot):
1.) People telling me what to do and how to live my life
2.) People judging other without really getting to know them
3.) People leading others on and then disappearing from their lives only to reappear suddenly with someone else...
4.) The way that the government conveniently ignores or disregards the environmental problems facing the world
5.) The way that society deems that girls have to be rail thin to be attractive
6.) The way that society puts people down because they don't fit into a particular category or norm
7.) The way that no matter what you say no one seems to be listening and if they are they only hear what they want to
8.) The way that no matter how hard you try sometimes it's not quite enough
9.) How everytime a person goes who's had a past get's called out against or called upon they're automatically under the scrutiny and suspicion of everyone else
10.) That the inocent until proven guilty saying is less and less important
11.) That the justice system isn't as just as it should be
12.) That when a girl or young woman does the same things as a guy does... she's labeled a whore
13.) The double standard in life in general of genders...fuck that I've had it!
14.) How even though a girl is just as qualified in the field of technology or other male dominated careers she doesn't get the respect or credit that she deserves
15.) That when a girl does get into one of these fields everyone is waiting for her to screw up
16.) That no matter how hard you work to prove yourself it never seems good enough
17.) That even though we're "equal" other are given more privileges and rights
18.) How prejudices still plague our society but the government really doesn't recognize the problem
19.) How our country is so involved in the world's problems that it often overlooks the problems right here at home
20.) How when it comes to problems here the government is took stupid to accept the aid offered or there isn't any aid offered
Yeah I think you get the point the list could go on, but it felt really good to vent a little bit.
So now that the bitching is done I think that I should pay attention now...I'm in CAD class.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
finding a lost part of me
I've walked the lonely road towards an unknown end, losing pieces of myself along the way. I never knew what I was working towards or what I was working for, I only knew that it was something that I had to do because that was what was expected of me. I've done what has been expected of me for so long and I've gone along that path willingly for the most part, but the more time that goes by I find myself questioning the path that I have chose, or that has been chosen for me.
I've reached yet another fork in the road of my life. To my left is the path that has been mapped out for me, neatly and precisely. To my right is a swirling mist leading to an end that no one knows. Do I follow what I've been working for and towards all along, or do I bear right, taking that path that is unclear and free to me? Can I truly break from the mold that has been made for me and my life? Do I really have a choice in this or is it another illusion that has been presented to make it seem like I really have a choice?
I'm at a point in my life where I find myself asking why more and more often than not. I wish that I could go back to that childlike innocence and simplicity in life. Even at my age I find it so hard to handle everything that is happening in the world around me and I find that I'm not quite certain that I am ready to join that part of the "real world" quite yet.
I'm expected to be an adult and to take part in everything that is occurring in the world, but what if I don't agree with a lot of what's happening? What if I don't believe in a lot of what's expected and supposedly right? What options are there for me to live my life the way that I want to if I can't even be myself?
SO much has happened to me so quickly since I was younger. I find it hard to digest it all, yet I'm supposed to continually keep up with everything else that is happening. It's suffocating me slowly and painfully. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know who I want to be, or what I even want anymore for that matter. All that I know is that I don't like where I am right now and where I'm headed.
I want so much more from this life, and I keep getting caught up at dead ends and rules and regulations that are supposed to dictate my life for me. These pointless stipulations make life easy for some and Hell for others. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth thinking about politics and the way that the world is turning out. It is slowly decaying with time and eroding away with the weather because of our own destruction. It pains me to think that I've been a part of the killing of our world.
As the years pass for me, the world and life loses more of its wonder and magic. The rose colored shades of my youth have been lifted and I see things more clearly now, which is most of my problem I suppose. I know that life isn't supposed to be easy, the challenge is half of the adventure of it, but is it really necessary for it to be this hard?
I'm so tired of school and doing what is supposedly the right thing. I'm burnt out from high school and I haven't quite recovered three years later. And yet here I am in college struggling to get by and do the right thing, but is it really the right thing for me? I've been thinking that it's not, yet I'm still here plugging along to keep everyone off my back. This isn't what I want, but maybe if I do this for them they'll lay off and give me some breathing room. All I ever wanted was to be happy in life, but I'm finding that the harder that I look for it, the farther I am from it.
I can't wait for Christmas break, maybe I'll get to catch up on some sleep and relax, then again maybe not. Who knows...
I've reached yet another fork in the road of my life. To my left is the path that has been mapped out for me, neatly and precisely. To my right is a swirling mist leading to an end that no one knows. Do I follow what I've been working for and towards all along, or do I bear right, taking that path that is unclear and free to me? Can I truly break from the mold that has been made for me and my life? Do I really have a choice in this or is it another illusion that has been presented to make it seem like I really have a choice?
I'm at a point in my life where I find myself asking why more and more often than not. I wish that I could go back to that childlike innocence and simplicity in life. Even at my age I find it so hard to handle everything that is happening in the world around me and I find that I'm not quite certain that I am ready to join that part of the "real world" quite yet.
I'm expected to be an adult and to take part in everything that is occurring in the world, but what if I don't agree with a lot of what's happening? What if I don't believe in a lot of what's expected and supposedly right? What options are there for me to live my life the way that I want to if I can't even be myself?
SO much has happened to me so quickly since I was younger. I find it hard to digest it all, yet I'm supposed to continually keep up with everything else that is happening. It's suffocating me slowly and painfully. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know who I want to be, or what I even want anymore for that matter. All that I know is that I don't like where I am right now and where I'm headed.
I want so much more from this life, and I keep getting caught up at dead ends and rules and regulations that are supposed to dictate my life for me. These pointless stipulations make life easy for some and Hell for others. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth thinking about politics and the way that the world is turning out. It is slowly decaying with time and eroding away with the weather because of our own destruction. It pains me to think that I've been a part of the killing of our world.
As the years pass for me, the world and life loses more of its wonder and magic. The rose colored shades of my youth have been lifted and I see things more clearly now, which is most of my problem I suppose. I know that life isn't supposed to be easy, the challenge is half of the adventure of it, but is it really necessary for it to be this hard?
I'm so tired of school and doing what is supposedly the right thing. I'm burnt out from high school and I haven't quite recovered three years later. And yet here I am in college struggling to get by and do the right thing, but is it really the right thing for me? I've been thinking that it's not, yet I'm still here plugging along to keep everyone off my back. This isn't what I want, but maybe if I do this for them they'll lay off and give me some breathing room. All I ever wanted was to be happy in life, but I'm finding that the harder that I look for it, the farther I am from it.
I can't wait for Christmas break, maybe I'll get to catch up on some sleep and relax, then again maybe not. Who knows...
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
No Offense
I have deleted some of the comments posted to some of my entries...I apologize if they were sincere in their comment, but I have been getting random things linked to this site, cause problems with my computer...I meant no offense although if you were one of the site links that really don't pertain to anything to do with what I have to say...don't link with it!
Monday, October 31, 2005
Weekend with the roomies...
Well thus far this year it has been a rare thing for my two roommates and I to all be here on a weekend. This weekend, however, we were all here and let's just say that it was insane! Friday night we had a Halloween costume party...on campus...with alcohol! We ran out of alcohol after the first two hours and my roommate and I went to get more...after I was a bit on the tipsy side. It was great, I was a skanky pirate, one roomie was a hippie, the other was Red Fraggle, we had a Greaser, a 40's/50's girl, a stewardess, a cowgirl, Marty McFly, and I think that's it...too much drinking involved to remember more. All and all the party was great.
Saturday, we woke up, most with hangovers and greeted the day. My roomie went with me to get my fourth ... anyways yeah then we all went to see Elizabethtown, which YOU MUST GO SEE!!! It was such a great movie, I laughed, I cried, and I loved it! So that brings us to Sunday, a day of doing NOTHING at all. Now today is Monday and I'm scrambling to finish things...this is just a premature case of senioritis I think. Oh what a weekend...
Saturday, we woke up, most with hangovers and greeted the day. My roomie went with me to get my fourth ... anyways yeah then we all went to see Elizabethtown, which YOU MUST GO SEE!!! It was such a great movie, I laughed, I cried, and I loved it! So that brings us to Sunday, a day of doing NOTHING at all. Now today is Monday and I'm scrambling to finish things...this is just a premature case of senioritis I think. Oh what a weekend...
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Just Needed to Vent a Little
I've always tried to do my best. School is my thing as sad as that sounds. I've always done well in it. I'm not trying to sound conceited, it's just the facts.
I had a geography exam tonight that may just very well kill my grade! It was awful! My professor didn't go over anything. He wasn't here Tuesday to go over the materials, and we had a quiz. Then we had a worksheet and an exam today! No study guide, no hints as to what to study. Our first exam, and I really don't think that I did all that well on it. This class is a fucking Gen. Ed. and its harder than my 200/300 level classes! what the Hell is wrong with this place?
I had a geography exam tonight that may just very well kill my grade! It was awful! My professor didn't go over anything. He wasn't here Tuesday to go over the materials, and we had a quiz. Then we had a worksheet and an exam today! No study guide, no hints as to what to study. Our first exam, and I really don't think that I did all that well on it. This class is a fucking Gen. Ed. and its harder than my 200/300 level classes! what the Hell is wrong with this place?
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Seeing It All...
Friday I had the time of my life in New York City with my roommates Katie and Lindsey. We went with the Art Department here at school and went to see the Metropolitan Museum of Art. It was an amazing experience to be in the same room as painting by Van Gogh, Cezanne, Monet, and so many more. The beauty in their work was truly outstanding. We spent about two hours walking through the museum and ended up leaving, having only seen a small fraction of the exhibits.
Stepping out onto the streets of New York was almost overwhelming. I felt so small and insignificant compared to the massive buildings that surrounded me on all sides. The whole atmosphere of the city was busy and alive. We strolled through Central Park, which is like another world in itself right in the middle of the city. When you're in there you can hardly realize that you're in the middle of one of the largest cities in the world, and yet looking up into the skyline, the evidence is right there for you to see. The buildings are a backdrop for the green, sprawling park. We visited one of the ponds in the park where we found a statue of Alice in Wonderland and another of Hans Christian Andersen's Ugly Duckling. After resting and just enjoying the sites, we set out for our ultimate destinations, Rockefeller Center and Times Square.
Along the way we stopped taking pitchers of anything and everything, the locals could definitely tell we were tourists because they'd walk by and smile or smirk with that indulgent knowing look on their faces. We visited FAO Swartz and checked out the subway, but decided that it would be better to explore that later. So we continued on to Rockefeller Center, which was about thirty blocks from where we started, and that in itself was one Hell of a hike, but at the time, you don't really feel it.
We made it to Rockefeller Center and took pictures at Radio City Music Hall before continuing our steady pace to Times Square. We saw Broadway and Times Square and again I was reminded of just how small I am compared to all of the buildings there. The is the heart of the city. It has the most bustle and life out of anywhere that I've seen. We stood right in the middle of it all on the sidewalk that is in the middle of the street that you see on MTV and other shows. It was almost surreal. We spent hours just walking around and taking pictures.
Throughout our travels I saw so many different buildings and styles of buildings. The shear beauty of it overwhelmed me. Architecture is my thing and to see all of the work there is just astounding. I can't begin to describe what it was like for me to see it all. With that said however, seeing so many buildings falling down, condemned, or in ruin hurt a lot more than I thought that it ever would. I makes me seriously question my major for school. I hate seeing buildings fall into disuse and disrepair. It also reminds me of my mortality and the inevitable end that I will eventually meet. I've been so focused on school and getting it over with that I haven't really sat back and thought about if this is what I really what with the rest of my life. I don't want to work my life away on something that people are just going to let fall apart and be destroyed. It makes it all seem so pointless.
So after going on such a great trip and having so much fun, I am left feeling emotionally drained. I am sore from all of the walking that we did, but I am also weary from the poverty and the crumbling buildings that were obviously at one point in time magnificent buildings. So do I continue on this path that was laid before me or do I choose another one?
Stepping out onto the streets of New York was almost overwhelming. I felt so small and insignificant compared to the massive buildings that surrounded me on all sides. The whole atmosphere of the city was busy and alive. We strolled through Central Park, which is like another world in itself right in the middle of the city. When you're in there you can hardly realize that you're in the middle of one of the largest cities in the world, and yet looking up into the skyline, the evidence is right there for you to see. The buildings are a backdrop for the green, sprawling park. We visited one of the ponds in the park where we found a statue of Alice in Wonderland and another of Hans Christian Andersen's Ugly Duckling. After resting and just enjoying the sites, we set out for our ultimate destinations, Rockefeller Center and Times Square.
Along the way we stopped taking pitchers of anything and everything, the locals could definitely tell we were tourists because they'd walk by and smile or smirk with that indulgent knowing look on their faces. We visited FAO Swartz and checked out the subway, but decided that it would be better to explore that later. So we continued on to Rockefeller Center, which was about thirty blocks from where we started, and that in itself was one Hell of a hike, but at the time, you don't really feel it.
We made it to Rockefeller Center and took pictures at Radio City Music Hall before continuing our steady pace to Times Square. We saw Broadway and Times Square and again I was reminded of just how small I am compared to all of the buildings there. The is the heart of the city. It has the most bustle and life out of anywhere that I've seen. We stood right in the middle of it all on the sidewalk that is in the middle of the street that you see on MTV and other shows. It was almost surreal. We spent hours just walking around and taking pictures.
Throughout our travels I saw so many different buildings and styles of buildings. The shear beauty of it overwhelmed me. Architecture is my thing and to see all of the work there is just astounding. I can't begin to describe what it was like for me to see it all. With that said however, seeing so many buildings falling down, condemned, or in ruin hurt a lot more than I thought that it ever would. I makes me seriously question my major for school. I hate seeing buildings fall into disuse and disrepair. It also reminds me of my mortality and the inevitable end that I will eventually meet. I've been so focused on school and getting it over with that I haven't really sat back and thought about if this is what I really what with the rest of my life. I don't want to work my life away on something that people are just going to let fall apart and be destroyed. It makes it all seem so pointless.
So after going on such a great trip and having so much fun, I am left feeling emotionally drained. I am sore from all of the walking that we did, but I am also weary from the poverty and the crumbling buildings that were obviously at one point in time magnificent buildings. So do I continue on this path that was laid before me or do I choose another one?
Friday, September 16, 2005
Deep Thoughts
So I find myself sitting here out on the porch of this falling down building that was once a home and I find myself lost. Lost in the cool night air. Questions swirling in my mind like the wispy clouds in the star-lit sky.
At this point in my life I realize my youth, yet recognize my age. I want so much for myself and my family. However, I can't seem to find the right path to choose. The chaos screaming loudly in my mind consumes all thought and purpose that I have at this point in my life.
Yet the silent night, calm for a weekend, soothes like nothing else. I'm seeking the answers in the stars like most otfen do, but when will I hear them?
Night after night I search for the impossible hoping for some miracle to set me free, but I digress. I know that it is just wishful thinking on my part.
Dreams don't come true, I lost hope of that a long time ago.
Sitting here surroudned by rotting past dreams I wait. There's no knight and shining armor coming to my rescue, no prince charming to sweep me off my feet. My soul is that of a lady from a forgotten time, surrounded by the material, superficial facets of this world. No chivalry or gallantry for me. Just the aching longing that grows with the passage of time.
I am alone.
There is no one in this world to save me from this prison. I am trapped, forced to bear witness to the slow decay of life anf innocence. The good in this world slowly rots with no eminant cure.
I alone stand here at the brink in this madness of tormented souls and indulgence of sin. "A life without love is no life at all," is what they say. To a certain point I believe them, but only to a certain point.
Once life has lost that sparkle, the magic it really isn't worth living. What point is there to drift in the gray ash of a life that once was?
Am I ever going to find what I need in this life? I often take for granted all of the things in this life that are still here, real and thriving. They may not hold all of the beauty and ideals that my soul craves like nourishment but they are here.
I can feel this world slowly dying around me, slipping farther with every breath that I take. With each passing season the vividness of the world fades, the vibrant colors are a shade duller, and nothing that once held some significanceeven exists anymore. I watch as each day the world that once was, slips away a little more.
And yet my ramblings written here are never heard, as they never are any night. Each day my heart breaks a little more.
I don't see how any of this is going to make a difference in the big picture of things, but at least I will resteasier having finally said it, if only here in this page where only I will likely read it. My thoughts are my own, my salvation in the madness, the only thing that is truly mine.
Here I confide my thoughts, my mind's deepest secrets, my very heart and soul. Here and here alone am I able to quench my thirst, if only for that brief moment when I let down my guard and give way to hopeless dreams and wishes.
Nothing I seem to do can end this constant agonywhich plagues my soul. I fight against the mainstream only to fall short of the expectations set upon me. I want to make it right, but I just want to be myself. I can't do that here and now, in this world of hatred and greed.
I want the simplicity, integrity, honesty, and purity of the ages lost to fate and destiny. I have an ancient soul trapped in the body of youth, screaming for sanctuary from the pain, but no safe-haven exists for this spirit.
To watch life but not participate is my living Hell. I see the world around me and yet am unable to fit in enough to live in it. I skirt around the edges of "civilization," watching the peons keep coming back for more and the emperors brush them aside without a second glance. There is no Paradise for me, no peace to be had here. I am alone.
For fleeting moments I catch glimpses of the life that I yearn for, but they go as quickly as they appear. As much as I hate to hope for something hopeless I know that it must be out there, somewhere, in the vastness of this world.
Will I ever find that dream? Will I ever find the happiness I need to survive? I;m slowly dying here, decaying with the passage of time, much like the world around me.
Shooting stars and fairy dust have lost thier magic and are like any other gems pulled from the bowles of this land. Heavenly landscapes and wonderous wildlife are disappearing in the evergrowing shadows.
What once was is now lost. There are none now to fight it, to stand against the inevitable turn of the tide. We are at the brink of extinction and yet most go on blissfully ignorant to the consequnces, no warnings will be givcven, no mercy shall we recieve, in short all Hell will break lose and it will be the beginning of the end.
Who are we to deal judgement? We play judge, jury and executioner as if it were our job! There is no justice here, no redemption, and no peace. All is rotted to the core of its very existence.
So here I sit a lonley old soul, lost amidst the chaos and death, searching for the way. Looking about I see nothing but darkness as the stars are veiled in the midnight sky. Will the light shine again or am I lost here in the dark for all time? Is there a way out from this prison of mailce and gore? Shadowed beings gorge themselves on the innocence, taking it cruely before its their time and there is nothing that I can do, not alone.
Who will stand with me in the dark? There is no one here, not a sould I can recognize. I am alone.
~I wrote this passage 4/8/05 while sitting on the porch of the house I was living in on campus...take it as you will...it is some of me deepest thoughts and feelings on what is happening in the world around me. Jen
At this point in my life I realize my youth, yet recognize my age. I want so much for myself and my family. However, I can't seem to find the right path to choose. The chaos screaming loudly in my mind consumes all thought and purpose that I have at this point in my life.
Yet the silent night, calm for a weekend, soothes like nothing else. I'm seeking the answers in the stars like most otfen do, but when will I hear them?
Night after night I search for the impossible hoping for some miracle to set me free, but I digress. I know that it is just wishful thinking on my part.
Dreams don't come true, I lost hope of that a long time ago.
Sitting here surroudned by rotting past dreams I wait. There's no knight and shining armor coming to my rescue, no prince charming to sweep me off my feet. My soul is that of a lady from a forgotten time, surrounded by the material, superficial facets of this world. No chivalry or gallantry for me. Just the aching longing that grows with the passage of time.
I am alone.
There is no one in this world to save me from this prison. I am trapped, forced to bear witness to the slow decay of life anf innocence. The good in this world slowly rots with no eminant cure.
I alone stand here at the brink in this madness of tormented souls and indulgence of sin. "A life without love is no life at all," is what they say. To a certain point I believe them, but only to a certain point.
Once life has lost that sparkle, the magic it really isn't worth living. What point is there to drift in the gray ash of a life that once was?
Am I ever going to find what I need in this life? I often take for granted all of the things in this life that are still here, real and thriving. They may not hold all of the beauty and ideals that my soul craves like nourishment but they are here.
I can feel this world slowly dying around me, slipping farther with every breath that I take. With each passing season the vividness of the world fades, the vibrant colors are a shade duller, and nothing that once held some significanceeven exists anymore. I watch as each day the world that once was, slips away a little more.
And yet my ramblings written here are never heard, as they never are any night. Each day my heart breaks a little more.
I don't see how any of this is going to make a difference in the big picture of things, but at least I will resteasier having finally said it, if only here in this page where only I will likely read it. My thoughts are my own, my salvation in the madness, the only thing that is truly mine.
Here I confide my thoughts, my mind's deepest secrets, my very heart and soul. Here and here alone am I able to quench my thirst, if only for that brief moment when I let down my guard and give way to hopeless dreams and wishes.
Nothing I seem to do can end this constant agonywhich plagues my soul. I fight against the mainstream only to fall short of the expectations set upon me. I want to make it right, but I just want to be myself. I can't do that here and now, in this world of hatred and greed.
I want the simplicity, integrity, honesty, and purity of the ages lost to fate and destiny. I have an ancient soul trapped in the body of youth, screaming for sanctuary from the pain, but no safe-haven exists for this spirit.
To watch life but not participate is my living Hell. I see the world around me and yet am unable to fit in enough to live in it. I skirt around the edges of "civilization," watching the peons keep coming back for more and the emperors brush them aside without a second glance. There is no Paradise for me, no peace to be had here. I am alone.
For fleeting moments I catch glimpses of the life that I yearn for, but they go as quickly as they appear. As much as I hate to hope for something hopeless I know that it must be out there, somewhere, in the vastness of this world.
Will I ever find that dream? Will I ever find the happiness I need to survive? I;m slowly dying here, decaying with the passage of time, much like the world around me.
Shooting stars and fairy dust have lost thier magic and are like any other gems pulled from the bowles of this land. Heavenly landscapes and wonderous wildlife are disappearing in the evergrowing shadows.
What once was is now lost. There are none now to fight it, to stand against the inevitable turn of the tide. We are at the brink of extinction and yet most go on blissfully ignorant to the consequnces, no warnings will be givcven, no mercy shall we recieve, in short all Hell will break lose and it will be the beginning of the end.
Who are we to deal judgement? We play judge, jury and executioner as if it were our job! There is no justice here, no redemption, and no peace. All is rotted to the core of its very existence.
So here I sit a lonley old soul, lost amidst the chaos and death, searching for the way. Looking about I see nothing but darkness as the stars are veiled in the midnight sky. Will the light shine again or am I lost here in the dark for all time? Is there a way out from this prison of mailce and gore? Shadowed beings gorge themselves on the innocence, taking it cruely before its their time and there is nothing that I can do, not alone.
Who will stand with me in the dark? There is no one here, not a sould I can recognize. I am alone.
~I wrote this passage 4/8/05 while sitting on the porch of the house I was living in on campus...take it as you will...it is some of me deepest thoughts and feelings on what is happening in the world around me. Jen
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Homecoming...
Well, this is it... It's the night before heading back to Keene for another year of broadening my mind. In any case this summer has flown by so fast that my head is spinning. I worked 12 hour days and 60 hour weeks on my feet, hoping to save enough money...But the outcome is yet to be seen. It's hard to think about the reality of what tomorrow means for me. It means the beginning of my junior year, putting me another year closer to facing the real world.
Eventhough I've been home for almost 4 months I haven't spent much time with my family, nor have I seen much of my family on a day to day basis. As I get a little older I realize just how important my family is to me and just what it means to me knowing that they'll be there no matter what. Through the ups and downs they've been there and for that I'm grateful.
I have become the person that I am and the person that I am striving to be because of them and their un conditional love and support. So going back to school puts me back in my element as weird as that may sound. Not because I don't want to be literally at home with my family, but because at school I'm continuing everything that I've been working towards, which all goes back to my family.
With that said however, school at least for me is like a second home. I'm comfortable there and do well. I'm anxious to go back, yet uncertain about leaving just yet. Then again I am every year...Wow I'm full of contradictions and lots of caffeine, so I'm going to end the rambling here and now.
Jen
Eventhough I've been home for almost 4 months I haven't spent much time with my family, nor have I seen much of my family on a day to day basis. As I get a little older I realize just how important my family is to me and just what it means to me knowing that they'll be there no matter what. Through the ups and downs they've been there and for that I'm grateful.
I have become the person that I am and the person that I am striving to be because of them and their un conditional love and support. So going back to school puts me back in my element as weird as that may sound. Not because I don't want to be literally at home with my family, but because at school I'm continuing everything that I've been working towards, which all goes back to my family.
With that said however, school at least for me is like a second home. I'm comfortable there and do well. I'm anxious to go back, yet uncertain about leaving just yet. Then again I am every year...Wow I'm full of contradictions and lots of caffeine, so I'm going to end the rambling here and now.
Jen
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Hey People...
I just checked on some of my comments because I haven't posted or check on my clog in a while and I got a response from heyzues. I definitely think that we are among the few who actually still have these things going but oh well, it's a way to vent right? Anyways the answer to your question is that I have Friedman for Creative Writing. The class is going pretty good, but then again we've still got a few weeks of class left, so who knows how everything will turn out.
I hope that everything is going well for all my fellow bloggers in the world...They're going pretty well for me, or as well as can be expected. I'm at school, what do you expect? It's not the greatest, but it sure as Hell beats dealing with all of the assholes in the real world.
Well, I'm off to get some stuff done before I turn in...Until next time.
Jen
I hope that everything is going well for all my fellow bloggers in the world...They're going pretty well for me, or as well as can be expected. I'm at school, what do you expect? It's not the greatest, but it sure as Hell beats dealing with all of the assholes in the real world.
Well, I'm off to get some stuff done before I turn in...Until next time.
Jen
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
The One That Got Away...
Have you ever loved someone, but let them go because you were too scared to take that next step? I know it sounds like something you'd read about in a cheesy romance novel or see on a soap opera, but isn't that the way that life goes? Everyone always comes to me telling me about their problems, bitching about their love life issues and this particular entry is about one of my best friend's experiences. She called me the other day crying about how she loved this guy that she was best friends with...Well I'll just tell you about it.
(Initials have been changed and the story slightly altered timewise and such to hide a certain someone's identity...)
M.J. was your average girl in high school. She got decent grades and was pretty involved in just about everything around school. Although she was liked by most people, she didn't really associate with many people back in high school because she, like myself and our friends, didn't believe that many of the people in our school were genuine. However, we did have a close knot group of friends that we'd hang out with.
Anyways, we were best friends and we while we were close, her closest friend was S.S. They had grown up around each other for most of their lives and knew each other really well. She confided everything in him, more so than she did with any of the rest of us.
As time went by we all noticed the sexual tension building between the two of them as the hormones started to rage, but neither would make a move. She didn't want to see their friendship change and he feared losing her or scaring her off. So at times it was pretty awkward at the lunch table.
Soon enough senior year started and S.S. finally made a move, asking her to the movies and she agreed to go. She told me then that they were going as friends, but the rest of us knew that he wanted them to be more. M.J. Told me she liked him and was attracted to him, but she really just wasn't ready for anything serious.
We all went together and had a blast, but I could tell that M.J. was a little uncomfortable. She noticed the looks that S.S. was giving her. I mean if he stared any harder his eyes would have fallen out and I was surprised he didn't need a bib for the drool that almost fell out of his open mouth. All of us girls went on a shopping spree the day before and bought some fun outfits...
As the night progressed the tension built and it was obvious that he wanted to let her know how he felt and he told her. She ran to me in a panic, not knowing how to react. Well I told her to just go with it, but my advice fell on deaf ears and I swear you could hear his heart breaking a mile away when she "let him down."
He really liked her, we could see that. And she liked him, but serious relationships scared the Hell out of the poor girl, she'd been hurt too many times before... So things were really awkward from there on. They were close but he held back from her and she didn't know how to act around him anymore. Graduation came and went and we all left for college. They kept in touch with each other and you know how the saying goes, "absence makes the heart grow fonder," well yeah according to her it does.
M.J. breaks S.S.'s heart, goes seven hours away to school and decides that she's in love with her childhood best friend from high school, almost two years after moving...Now is it me or is that just fucked up? So back to the phone call...Apparently he called her the other day telling her about this girl that he met a while back. He gets into how great she is and how special she is...M.J. Totally freaks and calls me crying because now she decides that she wants him, but obviously can't have him...High school drama was supposed to stop in high school right?...I mean if I'm wrong someone please tell me or just put me out of my misery because I hated drama queens in high school and now apparently my friend has not only turned into a whining, high maintenance girlie-girl, but she's now a drama queen as well. Damn, what happened to the girl who'd help me take on the guys in football?...
So what do I tell her? Does she confess to him that she loves him and always has? or does she stand back and let him have his happiness? I don't know what to do or what to tell her, but this is driving me crazy...Then again relationship issues that weren't my own, usually did.
Jen
(Initials have been changed and the story slightly altered timewise and such to hide a certain someone's identity...)
M.J. was your average girl in high school. She got decent grades and was pretty involved in just about everything around school. Although she was liked by most people, she didn't really associate with many people back in high school because she, like myself and our friends, didn't believe that many of the people in our school were genuine. However, we did have a close knot group of friends that we'd hang out with.
Anyways, we were best friends and we while we were close, her closest friend was S.S. They had grown up around each other for most of their lives and knew each other really well. She confided everything in him, more so than she did with any of the rest of us.
As time went by we all noticed the sexual tension building between the two of them as the hormones started to rage, but neither would make a move. She didn't want to see their friendship change and he feared losing her or scaring her off. So at times it was pretty awkward at the lunch table.
Soon enough senior year started and S.S. finally made a move, asking her to the movies and she agreed to go. She told me then that they were going as friends, but the rest of us knew that he wanted them to be more. M.J. Told me she liked him and was attracted to him, but she really just wasn't ready for anything serious.
We all went together and had a blast, but I could tell that M.J. was a little uncomfortable. She noticed the looks that S.S. was giving her. I mean if he stared any harder his eyes would have fallen out and I was surprised he didn't need a bib for the drool that almost fell out of his open mouth. All of us girls went on a shopping spree the day before and bought some fun outfits...
As the night progressed the tension built and it was obvious that he wanted to let her know how he felt and he told her. She ran to me in a panic, not knowing how to react. Well I told her to just go with it, but my advice fell on deaf ears and I swear you could hear his heart breaking a mile away when she "let him down."
He really liked her, we could see that. And she liked him, but serious relationships scared the Hell out of the poor girl, she'd been hurt too many times before... So things were really awkward from there on. They were close but he held back from her and she didn't know how to act around him anymore. Graduation came and went and we all left for college. They kept in touch with each other and you know how the saying goes, "absence makes the heart grow fonder," well yeah according to her it does.
M.J. breaks S.S.'s heart, goes seven hours away to school and decides that she's in love with her childhood best friend from high school, almost two years after moving...Now is it me or is that just fucked up? So back to the phone call...Apparently he called her the other day telling her about this girl that he met a while back. He gets into how great she is and how special she is...M.J. Totally freaks and calls me crying because now she decides that she wants him, but obviously can't have him...High school drama was supposed to stop in high school right?...I mean if I'm wrong someone please tell me or just put me out of my misery because I hated drama queens in high school and now apparently my friend has not only turned into a whining, high maintenance girlie-girl, but she's now a drama queen as well. Damn, what happened to the girl who'd help me take on the guys in football?...
So what do I tell her? Does she confess to him that she loves him and always has? or does she stand back and let him have his happiness? I don't know what to do or what to tell her, but this is driving me crazy...Then again relationship issues that weren't my own, usually did.
Jen
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
Back Again!
Well, I'm back from winter break and have decided to continue this blog in my free time. I wasn't really sure if I'd want to but I figured that this is a good way to keep on writing. I'm now taking a creative writing class, which is really great so I hope that everything goes well for that class. Yet again I have a pretty full schedule, but life goes on. I'm now that much closer to graduating and getting the hell out of here. Don't get me wrong, I like the whole living away from home deal, I just don't like the whole going to class part of the situation.
Winter break was fun and I loved hanging out at home relaxing, and that's pretty much all that I did, relax. I read probably 15 books and just hung out around the house and with my family and closest friends. However, I wanted to rip my hair out by the second week because it fell back into the old "hey Jen's home routine," which just pissed me off, but oh well.
I don't really have too much to write about write now. I'm not feeling particularly creative seeing how I just rolled out of bed. I'll post somethign new relatively soon.
Jen
Winter break was fun and I loved hanging out at home relaxing, and that's pretty much all that I did, relax. I read probably 15 books and just hung out around the house and with my family and closest friends. However, I wanted to rip my hair out by the second week because it fell back into the old "hey Jen's home routine," which just pissed me off, but oh well.
I don't really have too much to write about write now. I'm not feeling particularly creative seeing how I just rolled out of bed. I'll post somethign new relatively soon.
Jen
Friday, December 03, 2004
Seeing The World As It Is
It is strange to sit back and watch people go about their everyday lives. I'm not a stalker...I just observe life more often than not. I sit and watch and you'd be surprised at the things you can see happening all at once.
Picture it you're in a grocery store and you see a lot of people. As you walk past them you try to imagine who they are and what they're like. You observe what they grab as you go and how they carry themselves. You watch how they interact with others or how they avoid others.
You see one mother pushing her cart cooing at her toddler, watching carefully, while doing her shopping, but attentive to the little one that she obviously adores. Then you see another mother pushing her cart with her little one and two others holding the cart. She is ignoring what they are saying, almost oblivious to them. She walks away from the cart and her children often, not thinking anything of it...You think to yourself, "doesn't she watch the news, and see the horror stories of kids getting snatched away?" You keep your thoughts to yourself and continue on the the third mother with her children who appear to be a handful. At first she is soothing and trying to keep her calm, but you can see that her patience is being stretched thin. Then it happens, she loses her cool and ends up leaving her cart full of groceries in the middle of the isle and takes her kids and leaves the store empty handed with two upset children.
Then there's the next category, the people who are stopping in after work for last minute items on their way home. They are dresses in their work attire and rushing as they go. You can see the strain and weary look in their eyes. The stress emanates off of them in waves. They rush along the isles trying to get in and out as fast as they can possibly go. You try to stay out of their way because you're not sure when they'll explode from all of the pressure.
There's the nice little old ladies picking up their 20 or so items. They're a cheery bunch always ready to smile. They hold mirth in their eyes as if they know something that you don't know, like they hold the secrets to life, but watch in amusement as the rest of the world slowly discovers them. They smile at people who pass them and chuckle at the little ones. There are those who aged well and those who look older than their many years.
You see the single men walking around, glancing around at those around them with sometime a look of longing in their eyes as if they know what they're missing or with a look of pity at those around them for the same reason. Sometimes they have amusement clearly written on their faces and others they have a distant look. More often than not they go it and leave as quickly as they can.
Then you have the younger generation in general, who seem to shop in numbers. Whether it is because they need the hands to carry the groceries or if it is an insecurity for them to shop alone you can't tell. They laugh and all around enjoy being together, who knew that shopping for groceries could be so much fun?
You see the cautious shoppers, carefully reading labels and checking either the price or the nutritional content. Then you have those who just throw anything in their cart in hopes to get out of there as fast as they can. You have the shoppers who compare ten different brands of the same thing and then you have those who feel and smell everything before they buy.
It is truly bizarre what you will see if you watch closely enough. This is just one of the many places where you can truly see who people are. Sometimes people are so absorbed in their own thoughts while shopping that they tend to forget to put up their protective barriers and personas. They often reveal themselves without knowing it. You'd be surprised at how much goes on at once in the same place...if you have the time sit back and watch, observe, and learn.
Jen
Picture it you're in a grocery store and you see a lot of people. As you walk past them you try to imagine who they are and what they're like. You observe what they grab as you go and how they carry themselves. You watch how they interact with others or how they avoid others.
You see one mother pushing her cart cooing at her toddler, watching carefully, while doing her shopping, but attentive to the little one that she obviously adores. Then you see another mother pushing her cart with her little one and two others holding the cart. She is ignoring what they are saying, almost oblivious to them. She walks away from the cart and her children often, not thinking anything of it...You think to yourself, "doesn't she watch the news, and see the horror stories of kids getting snatched away?" You keep your thoughts to yourself and continue on the the third mother with her children who appear to be a handful. At first she is soothing and trying to keep her calm, but you can see that her patience is being stretched thin. Then it happens, she loses her cool and ends up leaving her cart full of groceries in the middle of the isle and takes her kids and leaves the store empty handed with two upset children.
Then there's the next category, the people who are stopping in after work for last minute items on their way home. They are dresses in their work attire and rushing as they go. You can see the strain and weary look in their eyes. The stress emanates off of them in waves. They rush along the isles trying to get in and out as fast as they can possibly go. You try to stay out of their way because you're not sure when they'll explode from all of the pressure.
There's the nice little old ladies picking up their 20 or so items. They're a cheery bunch always ready to smile. They hold mirth in their eyes as if they know something that you don't know, like they hold the secrets to life, but watch in amusement as the rest of the world slowly discovers them. They smile at people who pass them and chuckle at the little ones. There are those who aged well and those who look older than their many years.
You see the single men walking around, glancing around at those around them with sometime a look of longing in their eyes as if they know what they're missing or with a look of pity at those around them for the same reason. Sometimes they have amusement clearly written on their faces and others they have a distant look. More often than not they go it and leave as quickly as they can.
Then you have the younger generation in general, who seem to shop in numbers. Whether it is because they need the hands to carry the groceries or if it is an insecurity for them to shop alone you can't tell. They laugh and all around enjoy being together, who knew that shopping for groceries could be so much fun?
You see the cautious shoppers, carefully reading labels and checking either the price or the nutritional content. Then you have those who just throw anything in their cart in hopes to get out of there as fast as they can. You have the shoppers who compare ten different brands of the same thing and then you have those who feel and smell everything before they buy.
It is truly bizarre what you will see if you watch closely enough. This is just one of the many places where you can truly see who people are. Sometimes people are so absorbed in their own thoughts while shopping that they tend to forget to put up their protective barriers and personas. They often reveal themselves without knowing it. You'd be surprised at how much goes on at once in the same place...if you have the time sit back and watch, observe, and learn.
Jen
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
The Aftermath...
Well, I thought that I'd try something a little different this time. As a hobby I like to write short stories. I usually try to write about things that people around my age can relate to in one way or another. So here it is the exerp from my latest creation.
Janie was a girl just like everyone else. She had friends, went out and had fun, loved her family, and was your all around typical teenage girl. Her personality is what set her apart from everyone else however. When she would walk in a room it was as if the whole room would light up with her presence. She was the all around "girl-next-door." With her carmel hair and amber eyes she could take the world by storm. Janie appeared to have everything and to be everything that everyone ever wanted.
Little did the rest of the world know that she was hiding something. Day in and day out was a struggle for the girl, a fight just to live. Life at home was never the perfect picture that people percieved it to be. Janie was the middle child in what could be considered a war zone. Sure she wore stylish clothes, but no one knew that she was hiding bruises underneath them.
She and her siblings learned early on not to get in "his" way. Her mother had remarried a few years after she turned five and ever since her life had been Hell. Her stepfather Bill turned out to be an abusive drunk, who had a heavy fist and a bad temper.
I know that it seems kind of morbid now...but I'm still trying to play with the idea and work out the plot and characters best way to mesh. That's about all I can think of for now.
Janie was a girl just like everyone else. She had friends, went out and had fun, loved her family, and was your all around typical teenage girl. Her personality is what set her apart from everyone else however. When she would walk in a room it was as if the whole room would light up with her presence. She was the all around "girl-next-door." With her carmel hair and amber eyes she could take the world by storm. Janie appeared to have everything and to be everything that everyone ever wanted.
Little did the rest of the world know that she was hiding something. Day in and day out was a struggle for the girl, a fight just to live. Life at home was never the perfect picture that people percieved it to be. Janie was the middle child in what could be considered a war zone. Sure she wore stylish clothes, but no one knew that she was hiding bruises underneath them.
She and her siblings learned early on not to get in "his" way. Her mother had remarried a few years after she turned five and ever since her life had been Hell. Her stepfather Bill turned out to be an abusive drunk, who had a heavy fist and a bad temper.
I know that it seems kind of morbid now...but I'm still trying to play with the idea and work out the plot and characters best way to mesh. That's about all I can think of for now.
Monday, November 29, 2004
Stopping Traffic?!?!?!
Well, first off I'd like you to know that my Thanksgiving break at home was great. I love being home with my family and just hanging out with everyone. We all had a great time together. I think that because my brother will be starting college in the fall we all tend to cherish what time we all have together. We prepared for Thanksgiving on Wednesday, made the dinner on Thursday, Christmas shopping on Friday, we got our Christmas tree Saturday...16 foot tree...Yeah that's another story for another time, then we decorated said tree on Sunday morning before I left to come back up to school. I really hate having to leave home after such a long time there. You kind of get used to being there and part of the routine again.
Anyways I think that you can recall how miserable it was like outside on Sunday, well I had to drive back to Keene in that weather. I had a bad feeling about that morning, but I had to get to school to get some stuff done. I ran some errands for my parents, packed up my car and left. My mother warned me to drive slow, so I was cautious, but apparently not enough.
I drove down my street and to Oxford Center to get on the highway. I don't know if any of you have driven on 395 through Worcester, but it's a task on a good day, never mind in shitty weather.
So I got onto 395 in Oxford and drove through to Auburn. It was windy and raining, making driving a bit more difficult than it should have been. I called my mom just before the mall exit in Auburn telling her that it was bad out...She said to go slow and be careful and right before we hung up, she said "I love you." As soon as the words left her mouth my stomach sunk, and I got that horrible foreboding feeling. Right then and there I knew that something bad was going to happen and I wanted to cry. I told her that I loved her too and hung up.
Not two minutes later I went to pass a van in the fast lane. I wasn't going more than 60 MPH, but apparently that was enough. I hit the first puddle and the wheel jerked. My mind was screaming as I fought to control the car. I knew that I was in trouble. The left side of the fast lane had water streaming down it. Then I saw the second puddle and stopped breathing, there was nothing that I could do.
Just as I hit the puddle the wind picked up and all Hell broke loose. My back end swung out and the spinning started. You know how they say you see your life flash before your eyes in near death experiences, well sometimes things happen so fast you don't see anything.
The car starts spinning and the tears start falling. I hold the wheel and struggle to gain control. I close my eyes and hit the brakes. I pray that no one gets hurt. While my car is spinning wildly across 3 lanes of highway in traffic I kept thinking if I die today, what have I done in my life that would make a difference to anyone? What have I done that would mean anything?
At this point I've resolved myself that there was no escaping my impending doom. 395 is a highway that runs over the city of Worcester, meaning that the highway is 40+ feet above the ground with only guard rails to "stop" your car.
Round and round we go, where we'll stop nobody knows. And then, the impossible happened. The car stopped spinning in the breakdown lane, granted I was facing the oncoming traffic, but I had stopped! Not only had I stopped, but I was alive and unhurt! I didn't hit anyone or anything!
I broke down into hysterics at this point. I couldn't think, I couldn't talk, I couldn't breathe. I looked up from my sob fest on my steering wheel and I had stopped all 3 lanes of traffic on 395 in Worcester! A mini-van pulled over in the breakdown lane in front of me it was a woman, a car pulled over behind me it was the daughter of the woman in the van. People came running, and I just cried. I looked over to the guard rail the only thing stopping anyone from dropping to certain death and I saw that I was only 3 feet away from dying. I cry harder at this while trying to assure the kind people who came to my rescue that I was fine.
Another van stops in the slow lane and puts his hazards on. He gets out of his van and comes over as well. I get out of my car, not a dent scratch or flat tire. The man from the van runs over and asks me about Turing my car around...I guess he took the hint that I couldn't and he smiled and laughed and did it for me. The woman and her daughter try talking to me, I really don't remember what I said to any of them, except for "thank you." The mother said something in light of it all, but I will never forget it, or the people who stopped to help me..."See, there are good people in the world." And she was right, there truly are kind people in the world. Complete strangers pulled over and stopped their lives to make sure that I was alright. It meant a lot to me and it is something that I will never forget.
Once I got me car back the right way I thanked all of them, got back in my car, and began my long and slow ride to Keene. I called my mother minutes later in hysterics telling her what had happened. She wanted me to pull off the road so that my parents could come and get me but I knew that if I didn't get on with it then and there I'd probably never go. I told her everything and through my tears and babbling she must have understood. I hung up with her once again and drove the rest of the way to school, legs shaking and tears streaming down my face.
I finally got to school unloaded the car, went to my room and cried. It was a bit much and a huge reality check for me. I've never been so scared in my entire life, never. Then the seriousness of it all hit me like a tidal wave. I almost died! I almost never saw my family again! I didn't tell them that I loved them before I left! Needless to say I sat in my dorm room for the rest of the day crying, alone. I didn't do anything for the rest of the day. I was traumatized, sore, and exhausted.
It is not an experience that I'll ever forget, but I truly wish to never repeat it. I almost lost so mush yesterday that I'm ready to cry. There's so much that I want to do with my life, and all of that was almost wiped away in a matter of seconds. Every year the Holidays are memorable to me, but this Thanksgiving break will always be remembered as the year that I stopped traffic on 395 in Worcester.
I hope you all had a better break than me.
Jen
Anyways I think that you can recall how miserable it was like outside on Sunday, well I had to drive back to Keene in that weather. I had a bad feeling about that morning, but I had to get to school to get some stuff done. I ran some errands for my parents, packed up my car and left. My mother warned me to drive slow, so I was cautious, but apparently not enough.
I drove down my street and to Oxford Center to get on the highway. I don't know if any of you have driven on 395 through Worcester, but it's a task on a good day, never mind in shitty weather.
So I got onto 395 in Oxford and drove through to Auburn. It was windy and raining, making driving a bit more difficult than it should have been. I called my mom just before the mall exit in Auburn telling her that it was bad out...She said to go slow and be careful and right before we hung up, she said "I love you." As soon as the words left her mouth my stomach sunk, and I got that horrible foreboding feeling. Right then and there I knew that something bad was going to happen and I wanted to cry. I told her that I loved her too and hung up.
Not two minutes later I went to pass a van in the fast lane. I wasn't going more than 60 MPH, but apparently that was enough. I hit the first puddle and the wheel jerked. My mind was screaming as I fought to control the car. I knew that I was in trouble. The left side of the fast lane had water streaming down it. Then I saw the second puddle and stopped breathing, there was nothing that I could do.
Just as I hit the puddle the wind picked up and all Hell broke loose. My back end swung out and the spinning started. You know how they say you see your life flash before your eyes in near death experiences, well sometimes things happen so fast you don't see anything.
The car starts spinning and the tears start falling. I hold the wheel and struggle to gain control. I close my eyes and hit the brakes. I pray that no one gets hurt. While my car is spinning wildly across 3 lanes of highway in traffic I kept thinking if I die today, what have I done in my life that would make a difference to anyone? What have I done that would mean anything?
At this point I've resolved myself that there was no escaping my impending doom. 395 is a highway that runs over the city of Worcester, meaning that the highway is 40+ feet above the ground with only guard rails to "stop" your car.
Round and round we go, where we'll stop nobody knows. And then, the impossible happened. The car stopped spinning in the breakdown lane, granted I was facing the oncoming traffic, but I had stopped! Not only had I stopped, but I was alive and unhurt! I didn't hit anyone or anything!
I broke down into hysterics at this point. I couldn't think, I couldn't talk, I couldn't breathe. I looked up from my sob fest on my steering wheel and I had stopped all 3 lanes of traffic on 395 in Worcester! A mini-van pulled over in the breakdown lane in front of me it was a woman, a car pulled over behind me it was the daughter of the woman in the van. People came running, and I just cried. I looked over to the guard rail the only thing stopping anyone from dropping to certain death and I saw that I was only 3 feet away from dying. I cry harder at this while trying to assure the kind people who came to my rescue that I was fine.
Another van stops in the slow lane and puts his hazards on. He gets out of his van and comes over as well. I get out of my car, not a dent scratch or flat tire. The man from the van runs over and asks me about Turing my car around...I guess he took the hint that I couldn't and he smiled and laughed and did it for me. The woman and her daughter try talking to me, I really don't remember what I said to any of them, except for "thank you." The mother said something in light of it all, but I will never forget it, or the people who stopped to help me..."See, there are good people in the world." And she was right, there truly are kind people in the world. Complete strangers pulled over and stopped their lives to make sure that I was alright. It meant a lot to me and it is something that I will never forget.
Once I got me car back the right way I thanked all of them, got back in my car, and began my long and slow ride to Keene. I called my mother minutes later in hysterics telling her what had happened. She wanted me to pull off the road so that my parents could come and get me but I knew that if I didn't get on with it then and there I'd probably never go. I told her everything and through my tears and babbling she must have understood. I hung up with her once again and drove the rest of the way to school, legs shaking and tears streaming down my face.
I finally got to school unloaded the car, went to my room and cried. It was a bit much and a huge reality check for me. I've never been so scared in my entire life, never. Then the seriousness of it all hit me like a tidal wave. I almost died! I almost never saw my family again! I didn't tell them that I loved them before I left! Needless to say I sat in my dorm room for the rest of the day crying, alone. I didn't do anything for the rest of the day. I was traumatized, sore, and exhausted.
It is not an experience that I'll ever forget, but I truly wish to never repeat it. I almost lost so mush yesterday that I'm ready to cry. There's so much that I want to do with my life, and all of that was almost wiped away in a matter of seconds. Every year the Holidays are memorable to me, but this Thanksgiving break will always be remembered as the year that I stopped traffic on 395 in Worcester.
I hope you all had a better break than me.
Jen
Monday, November 22, 2004
Family Matters...
If it is one thing in life that has always been there for me it has been my family. Through thick and thin they have stood by me and have helped me along the way. They give me strength when I have none, they give me hope when I have given up, and they have a faith and belief in me that often brings me to tears. Their unconditional love and support has gotten me through the worst and best of times. Without them I don't know where I'd be today.
With that said let me introduce you to my family, who is said to be able to give the Osborne's a run for their money. ( No, I'm not joking! ) First there is my father, the working man, who with his quiet solid form, can do just about anything. I have "super-dad," who can do just about anything. He can fix a car, build just about anything, make you laugh until you cry, make you smile, and just be crazy old dad...That's right crazy, but we'll get back to that.
Next comes mom...There's not a stronger woman you will ever find. She's beautiful, smart, funny, but she does have her "crazy blonde" moments...Don't we all. She stayed at home and raised us most of our lives, but occasionally over the years she has worked odd jobs. She is the most loving and fun person anyone could want for a mother. She's understanding and patient...She had to be with us demons in the house...( four kids by the age of 29...Five when you include the biggest kid in the house, dad!)
Then there's me...The rebel, the supposed "book worm" and "goody-goody," yeah right...If they only knew. Let's just say that people have always assumed I was the Mandy Moore character in "A Walk to Remember." You know the one...The girl who never does anything wrong. That's a laugh. I could pour the perfect beer from a keg before I could do most other things. I was drinking on a regular basis by the age of 13. I skipped CCD-"Sunday School" and pretty much rebelled when I could...And sort of still do.
Next is my brother, the comedian in our rabble of misfits. He can talk his way around you in a conversation and in the end you'll agree with him for two reasons: 1.) you just want him to shut up and stop bothering you 2.) he can sometimes actually have you agreeing and you won't know it. He says the right things to make you laugh and bring up your mood, despite his sarcasm. He's a big clown... A cross between Jim Carry and Adam Sandler and I'm not exaggerating. He's hilarious, but he's also the sweetest guy in the world.
Then there's my little sister, the resident pre-teen who, well can make things a little dramatic and stressful at times. I suppose that it's the age, but seriously, she's topped even me in the bitchy category at times, but you gotta love the girl for it. Under her bristly exterior is one of the most caring people that I know. Sure she says some pretty random and dumb stuff at times, but it just makes you love her that much more.
Finally, last but not least is our little man, my "baby" brother who turns 8 next month. He is one of the most active little guys I have ever known. Some days he's up and out before the rest of us off on one of his adventures and doesn't come home 'til dark ( summer time usually). He's the kid who brings critters home in his pockets and climbs trees 10 times his height. He gets dirty and muddy and he loves it.
Now that I've introduced you to the family, I'll give you stories and scenarios so you better understand the madness I can't get enough of.
1.)...We were all home one day sitting down for dinner in the dining room for the first time in a long time. (We usually all eat in other rooms or at different times.) Dinner went relatively well, the conversation wasn't what you'd call dinner conversation, but oh well. So dinner was coming to an end with all of us bickering and arguing, over what I don't remember. My brother and I swapped veggies for steak ( he hates steak) and mom got mad...Things escalated and finally everyone was ready to leave, but we calmed down and mom calmly stated that if we couldn't sit down nicely that we wouldn't try it again. Dad got up and went to get the dinner rolls and mom asked him to pass her one...And he did, literally, he threw it to her, not to be mean...He just tossed it and she wasn't looking and it hit on the head...And we all (except mom) died laughing, needless to say our "nice family dinner" was over that night.
2.)...We were all in the kitchen/dining room talking, I don't remember what about but let me give you some background info again on my brother, "the comedian." Apparently he had just recently watched a Jeff Foxworthy special on Comedy Central...Need I say more? Anyways, back to the story. Well at some point during the day my sister had gotten 2 "signs" from my brother for saying something stupid...So were were all talking in the kitchen and she randomly blurts out the most absurd thing in the world..."What if there was cubed cheese?" ( I'll explain further) My brother, being himself, hands her the third "sign" and proceeded to throw his shoe at her and wacked her in the head knocking her off of her chair. I fell to the ground laughing as did most everyone else...It gets better...Then she says"No, I meant cheese in an ice cube..." And that just left us all laughing so hard we were crying...And my brother looked appalled that she would think of something that crazy...At first he thought, as did we all, that she was talking about a block of cheese, but this time she out did herself in her random dumb comments.
3.)...My "baby" brother was outside in the yard one day with mom while the rest of us were at school, or work. They were gardening and pulling weeds from the flower beds. My brother, the little helper that he is wanted to help...So he did...Mom pulled up some weeds by the roots and out fell a worm. Now my brother was little at the time I think 3 at the most. He touched it and freaked out and started crying...Apparently his adventurous outdoors nature was still latent. Anyways when we got home from school mom told us what happened saying, "...Doesn't like worms.."And my brother turns to my "baby" brother and asks..."Why not they taste like chicken?" yep he actually asked that, whether or not he was serious I still don't know, but I wouldn't put it past him, the kid ate bugs until he was like 10 just for the Hell of it...He'd eat just about anything...
I don't have any particular funny stories about dad, but there are many coming from a guy who threw rocks and sticks at the neighborhood kids as a game...He's an all around fun guy.
Like I said we could give the Osborne's a run for their money...Me the rebel, my bro the comedian, my sister the drama queen ditz, and lil bro who gets into more trouble than the rest of us combined, then again he learned from the masters of childhood terror...Sledding off of cliffs...Playing "diver Dan" in the road... acorn and apple fights...yep we were crazy and did some pretty dumb stuff just for kicks...Who else build "go-carts" out of an old push lawn mower and uses a rock tied to an old extension cord for breaks...Those were the days and I loved every one of them.
Jen
With that said let me introduce you to my family, who is said to be able to give the Osborne's a run for their money. ( No, I'm not joking! ) First there is my father, the working man, who with his quiet solid form, can do just about anything. I have "super-dad," who can do just about anything. He can fix a car, build just about anything, make you laugh until you cry, make you smile, and just be crazy old dad...That's right crazy, but we'll get back to that.
Next comes mom...There's not a stronger woman you will ever find. She's beautiful, smart, funny, but she does have her "crazy blonde" moments...Don't we all. She stayed at home and raised us most of our lives, but occasionally over the years she has worked odd jobs. She is the most loving and fun person anyone could want for a mother. She's understanding and patient...She had to be with us demons in the house...( four kids by the age of 29...Five when you include the biggest kid in the house, dad!)
Then there's me...The rebel, the supposed "book worm" and "goody-goody," yeah right...If they only knew. Let's just say that people have always assumed I was the Mandy Moore character in "A Walk to Remember." You know the one...The girl who never does anything wrong. That's a laugh. I could pour the perfect beer from a keg before I could do most other things. I was drinking on a regular basis by the age of 13. I skipped CCD-"Sunday School" and pretty much rebelled when I could...And sort of still do.
Next is my brother, the comedian in our rabble of misfits. He can talk his way around you in a conversation and in the end you'll agree with him for two reasons: 1.) you just want him to shut up and stop bothering you 2.) he can sometimes actually have you agreeing and you won't know it. He says the right things to make you laugh and bring up your mood, despite his sarcasm. He's a big clown... A cross between Jim Carry and Adam Sandler and I'm not exaggerating. He's hilarious, but he's also the sweetest guy in the world.
Then there's my little sister, the resident pre-teen who, well can make things a little dramatic and stressful at times. I suppose that it's the age, but seriously, she's topped even me in the bitchy category at times, but you gotta love the girl for it. Under her bristly exterior is one of the most caring people that I know. Sure she says some pretty random and dumb stuff at times, but it just makes you love her that much more.
Finally, last but not least is our little man, my "baby" brother who turns 8 next month. He is one of the most active little guys I have ever known. Some days he's up and out before the rest of us off on one of his adventures and doesn't come home 'til dark ( summer time usually). He's the kid who brings critters home in his pockets and climbs trees 10 times his height. He gets dirty and muddy and he loves it.
Now that I've introduced you to the family, I'll give you stories and scenarios so you better understand the madness I can't get enough of.
1.)...We were all home one day sitting down for dinner in the dining room for the first time in a long time. (We usually all eat in other rooms or at different times.) Dinner went relatively well, the conversation wasn't what you'd call dinner conversation, but oh well. So dinner was coming to an end with all of us bickering and arguing, over what I don't remember. My brother and I swapped veggies for steak ( he hates steak) and mom got mad...Things escalated and finally everyone was ready to leave, but we calmed down and mom calmly stated that if we couldn't sit down nicely that we wouldn't try it again. Dad got up and went to get the dinner rolls and mom asked him to pass her one...And he did, literally, he threw it to her, not to be mean...He just tossed it and she wasn't looking and it hit on the head...And we all (except mom) died laughing, needless to say our "nice family dinner" was over that night.
2.)...We were all in the kitchen/dining room talking, I don't remember what about but let me give you some background info again on my brother, "the comedian." Apparently he had just recently watched a Jeff Foxworthy special on Comedy Central...Need I say more? Anyways, back to the story. Well at some point during the day my sister had gotten 2 "signs" from my brother for saying something stupid...So were were all talking in the kitchen and she randomly blurts out the most absurd thing in the world..."What if there was cubed cheese?" ( I'll explain further) My brother, being himself, hands her the third "sign" and proceeded to throw his shoe at her and wacked her in the head knocking her off of her chair. I fell to the ground laughing as did most everyone else...It gets better...Then she says"No, I meant cheese in an ice cube..." And that just left us all laughing so hard we were crying...And my brother looked appalled that she would think of something that crazy...At first he thought, as did we all, that she was talking about a block of cheese, but this time she out did herself in her random dumb comments.
3.)...My "baby" brother was outside in the yard one day with mom while the rest of us were at school, or work. They were gardening and pulling weeds from the flower beds. My brother, the little helper that he is wanted to help...So he did...Mom pulled up some weeds by the roots and out fell a worm. Now my brother was little at the time I think 3 at the most. He touched it and freaked out and started crying...Apparently his adventurous outdoors nature was still latent. Anyways when we got home from school mom told us what happened saying, "...Doesn't like worms.."And my brother turns to my "baby" brother and asks..."Why not they taste like chicken?" yep he actually asked that, whether or not he was serious I still don't know, but I wouldn't put it past him, the kid ate bugs until he was like 10 just for the Hell of it...He'd eat just about anything...
I don't have any particular funny stories about dad, but there are many coming from a guy who threw rocks and sticks at the neighborhood kids as a game...He's an all around fun guy.
Like I said we could give the Osborne's a run for their money...Me the rebel, my bro the comedian, my sister the drama queen ditz, and lil bro who gets into more trouble than the rest of us combined, then again he learned from the masters of childhood terror...Sledding off of cliffs...Playing "diver Dan" in the road... acorn and apple fights...yep we were crazy and did some pretty dumb stuff just for kicks...Who else build "go-carts" out of an old push lawn mower and uses a rock tied to an old extension cord for breaks...Those were the days and I loved every one of them.
Jen
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