Yep, it's official, I really hate going to school. I've always hated school, always. People have just assumed that because I may get good grades that I liked it or enjoyed it, but they couldn't have been more wrong. School, extra curriculars, sports, and other things were just expected of me. More than that, I was expected to do well, not because it was what they wanted for me, but because they knew that I could do it. I proved that I could do well early on, so I guess that there wasn't really an excuse for anything less afterwards.
Everything seems really superficial. We go to school for at least 16 years, given or take a couple, to go get a job, to pay the bills, to live in a rigid routine of clocks, bells and signs ruling our lives. Ugh!! I really don't want any of this right now. All I want to do is live my life and to be happy with whatever I do, but as far as I can tell that's not going to happen because we go back to the what's expected of me aspect of my life that I can't seem to escape.
I know that clinging to those childhood ideals of what life is or what it could be isn't exactly the way to go, but I can't let go of them. I still want to believe that I can find what I'm looking for in life. I'm not sure what it is, but I just have this feeling that I'm waiting for something. I'm not content with the way things are going, sure I'll get my degree, get my professional/master's, get a good paying job, and live day in and day out repeating the same thing everyday. I used to be afraid of the unknown, but now I'm afraid of living the same thing everyday. The monotony of it all is depressing.
I know that there is so much more out there, I just have to open my eyes and find it. I can tell you this much though, when I find it, I'm holding on with both hands and never letting go. I've lived 19 years of the expected and the "right" thing according to others, and I've decided that it's about time that I do something for me. I'm going to study abroad Spring 2006, my roommate and I are going to Ireland. I need to see some of the world before I resolve myself to the monotonous fate that is known as life.
I want to do what they think that I should do, but in all honesty it doesn't make me happy. Somehow over the years I've lost myself in the person that they wanted me to become and have lost sight of what matters to me. Slowly over these past two years I'm discovering the real me who somehow hid underneath the mask of the "book-worm." I nearly had a serious breakdown last year struggling to find myself and still I don't quite have the answers to all of the questions that keep arising.
To say that my life has been tough is an understatement. I don't want pity, I don't need it. The past is the past and life goes on. I can only look to the future and hope for the best, despite everything that is happening in the world around me today. I love them an would do anything for them, but I can't live my life for them. I know that they all have such high hopes for me, and maybe I do too, but I think that I really need to find myself before I can completely grow up, which a scary thought in itself.
I just need to find my place before I can settle in to the world and be somewhat content. I see everyone around me getting married and having kids, and not that I want that right now, but I can't help but feel that slight twinge knowing that I don't have that. I can't explain why I'd be happy as a stay at home mom, but that's what I keep coming back to...Sure I want a career and a good paying job, but, I see all the amazing things that my mother and aunts did and I admire them for it. I also want to be involved if and when I have kids.
I'm tired of being who other want me to be or who they expect me to be, I'm my own person damn it and it's about time that they start realizing it too! I want my own life, so let me live it and go live yours! Wow, that definitely felt good to get that out finally!
This is getting out of hand so before I get all crazy writing this I'm going to have to end it here.
Jen
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