Cautiously Hopeful

And we've got a "Green Light" people

After days and weeks of anxiously waiting and wondering, we had our IVF consult with our RE this past Monday. I've lost 70lbs since this spring and in doing so it has apparently caused some positive health changes. Not only am I lighter and over all healthier, my blood work came back with improved numbers.  In comparison to last year's numbers it wasn't a huge change, but there was improvement. 

For those just joining us on this journey, my husband and I have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility. So, thus far all of our test were normal and fine. Three rounds of Clomid, 2 medicated IUI's and still we haven't gotten pregnant. Significant weight loss and healthy lifestyle changes also have not helped us to achieve pregnancy. So it has been decided that we're moving on to IVF. 

It's terrifying and thrilling at the same time. I've read different forums and blogs and "know" what to expect, but in the long run I really have no way of knowing.  Having not experienced it first hand yet, I don't know how true the horror stories I've read online are. The unknown is the scary part. 

But it's the hope that's keeping us going.  That little tingle of thrill down our spine that is helping us to slosh through the packets of information and preparing for what's to come.  The hope that our sweet little miracle will be conceived. 

Goodness I just got chills. 

It has officially been one year since our last IUI and what a world of difference a year makes!  I pulled myself from the deep, dark, lonely void that is the infertility struggle. And if you're someone struggling with it, I recommend that you reach out to the various support groups that there are out there. I am also willing to answer questions and offer advice and what words of comfort I can to anyone that needs it.

In the past year I have gone through a complete transformation.  I'm not that same woman that I was just 12 months ago. I'm healthier physically, mentally, and emotionally. My marriage is in a much better place and we're stronger and closer than ever. 

I have also found that by being more open and honest about our infertility, I'm finding strength and support. In opening up, a number of friends and acquaintances have also shared their own struggles.  We've really helped each other get through.  

We are cautiously hopeful for our next step. I start my protocol once I call day 1 of my next cycle. Then just a short 7 weeks later we will know.  It's terrifying and thrilling to know that perhaps this could be it. Or perhaps that one of the eggs they harvest in November could eventually be our miracle baby. 

I still have my moments where there's that ache and pang. There's a never-ending longing that sometimes swamps me.  But when it gets like that I hop on the treadmill or exercise bike and work for it.  I'll be damned if I haven't done everything that I physically and realistically could to make this work. Either that or I go visit my cousin who just had her sweet miracle baby of her own.  She and her husband have been together for nearly 14 years and didn't think that they could have children. Her little baby girl is their miracle baby and gives me hope that it will happen for us someday. 

So I'll leave you here with that hope. That someday whether biologically or not, it will be our turn. Don't forget to live your life though going through this process.  As difficult as it is, the world must go on. Don't wallow in it, that's a very dangerous and scary place to be, take it from someone who completely shut down. 

I know that no matter what happens we'll be okay. It won't be easy and if it's not meant to be it will be difficult to accept, but God has a plan for all of us.  Who am I to question what that plan really is. I recently got a tattoo on my left inner wrist in white in.  It's really rather simple, but holds so many meanings for me. "Faith, hope, love" written in cursive in an infinity symbol.  Those three words have gotten me through the past 4 years. They are from 1 Corinthians 13: 4-13.  We had this as a reading at our wedding 4 years ago this October, and those words, "faith, hope, love" have gotten us through the ups and downs of life and especially our infertility struggle. 

You aren't alone. As mom says, "chin up, it'll be okay."