Live in the moment

As I begin to get older I begin realizing more than ever that life is what you make it.  More often than not I think many people take for granted the little things that make life so wonderful and enjoyable.  For me growing up was such an amazing experience.  Running free in the woods and fields, riding my bike everywhere, "exploring" the very same land that my father and his family that came before him grew up on. But gradually over time I began to out getting dirty and muddy less and less, and I stopped paying attention to a lot of the things that are taken for granted as a child.  I hadn't realized that I was doing it until I got to college and took the time to go outside more (being cooped up in a dorm room sucks!).  The changing of the seasons came slowly and gradually and as I began getting older I tried to pay more attention because when I wasn't, it was as if time was slipping through my hands.  

There is no fighting the inevitable, nor is there a way to stop the clock or slow it down, a terrifying thought for someone that once thought that they were invincible. There is only that steady pace of the hourglass spilling away what time we have here.  And I'm not going to lie, it terrifies me, the unknown and my mortality scare me, but I'm beginning to find peace in that thought.  Knowing that someday when I have lived out my time here to the fullest and have watched my children and theirs come into this world that I have done something worthwhile and lived a good life.  So I have begun to try to make the most of the blink of time that I have here in the world because you never know what tomorrow will bring or when it is done.  

A very wise person told me once that life is too short to worry about the little inconsequential things that often plague our minds.  Work is just work and a job is just a job, they come and go and yes are the means of our livelihoods, but they aren't so important that you worry yourself sick over them.  They aren't so important that you miss out on the important aspects of life, like a birthday or holiday or vacation.  Because at the end of the day, when all is said and done, none of that really matters.  Your life and what you do here is important, the people in our lives are important, the places we've seen and things we've done.  All of that is important.  My mom always told me to "leave work at work, when you clock out and come home you don't have to worry about work because you aren't on the clock anymore, so leave the job at the job and enjoy life."  Can't tell my mom ;) but this time she's right...again.

December 2007/January 2008, changed my life completely.  At the time I was having a difficult time transitioning back home from college and 6 months into my job.  I was unhappy, didn't know many people in the area anymore because most people I used to know moved away.  So I decided that I was going to try out one of those on-line dating sites, not necessarily with the expectations or hopes that I'd meet "the one" or "Mr. Right" but with the hope to talk to and connect with people in the area again.  Needless to say I'm now a year and a half into my relationship, the on-line site found a bunch of really nice people, but it also found my Mr. Right.  At the same time I signed up for the website I started going to the gym, no more sitting in the house watching TV, just because there was snow on the ground didn't mean it was an excuse to be lazy.  I also re-connected with some friends from high school and life as I knew it began changing.

I grew as a person in those few months and have much more since then.  I had the "life will happen" or "things will happen when they're meant to" mentality and it really wasn't working.  Life doesn't necessarily just happen, life is what you make it my friends!  If you're unhappy about something change it because you are the only one who can, no one can do it for you.  If you want something go after it!  Some people I know have this notion and expectation that they will meet the man/woman of their dreams randomly one day and it will be love at first sight, so they're waiting around for it to happen.  And maybe for some it does...eventually, but it's not going to happen if you don't at least get out of the house and make it happen.  Why would  you want to wait on the sidelines of life watching and waiting?  Wouldn't you rather be out there in the game?  Wouldn't you rather participate?

I've tried to participate more and be a part of things rather than sit back.  Yes, I'm still the observer at times.  I'm a people observer, they fascinate me with all their quirks and random actions, it's really quite entertaining try it some time.  But what I'm trying to say is don't let your life pass you by.  You don't want to one day finally come out of whatever state of mind you've been in to realize that life literally has passed you by.  We're only here for a blink of time in the grand scheme of things.  A small spark of light that is easily and quickly extinguished.  Our lives are a tiny flicker of light that is fragile and vulnerable. We aren't invincible, so don't go all crazy...but enjoy every minute and every second as if it were our last.  Make a memory every chance you get and cherish it.  

And that is the end of my random ramblings, it is way to early to be awake this early on a Saturday morning (my boyfriend is asleep snoring next to me while I'm wide awake typing)! Until next time... Live, Laugh, Love my friends!

Jen

There are a few issues or topics that have caused heated discussions between myself and others.  I'm not quite sure who is right or who is wrong because each of these topics has shades of gray that make it difficult to say what is the right answer.

My first topic is illegal immigrants and people in the US right now on work Visas when our economy is in shambles and American workers are being laid off.  I have a hard time stomaching the fact that there are so many illegal immigrants here mooching off the system and my tax dollars (especially in MA) pay for their housing, cars, cell phones, food stamps, and other bills, including schooling. While at the same time US born and raised citizens are struggling to pay their own bills and taxes, nevermind having to pay for people who technically, don't exist.  They have no paper trail here in many aspects.  Yes understand that the citizenship process is ridiculous, but illegal is illegal in my mind.  I'm working my ass off struggling to pay of student loans from college barely getting by and yet people come to this country with their hands out expecting a free ride and I say screw that!  Yes many of them come from conditions which we couldn't even imagine, however there is a legal way of being here.  I do believe that the process to becoming a citizen should be made a bit more attainable so that they can get citizenship and start paying taxes and live their own way.  My other issue personally with a place I  worked for was that they would bring people from all over the world to work here, buy their work visas, pay for their housing and their rental cars (which they switched and got new ones every 3 weeks) and at one point gave them a weekly "allowance" to buy groceries etc...plus they got a pay check...then they would bring their families pop out a few kids and bam, can't send them home now....get me very angry if you can't tell.  Because not only were they making more than me in general but basically all of their bills were taken care of at the expense of the company...American workers and citizens got laid off and yet all and I mean every single one of the people brought here are still working there with their housing and cars and pay checks taken care of...where's the fairness in that?

Another topic which is a very gray area for me is the topic of abortion.  As a woman I believe that it is my body, my choice, but do I think that I could ever do this? I don't know.  Growing up my family instilled very Christian values and beliefs in me so like I said it is a gray area.  I don't think that it should be used soley as a means of birth control, if you're dumb enough to get pregnant then you really should deal with the consequences.  Call me harsh or whatever but my mother could have just as easily chose not to have me as an 18 year old high school senior.  Adoption is always an option, yes I know that there are already so many children out there without homes, but does that justify killing?  I think that in the instances of rape or terminal or severe complications are certainly reasons for having an abortion and no one should judge any woman struggling with such a tormenting decision.  It is an agonizing thing to contemplate.  Do you have the baby knowing that it really isn't fair to bring the child into the world, when you aren't ready and can't provide for the child?  Do you go through the 9 months of carrying the child and then give birth and give the child up for adoption?  Do you have the abortion and live with that for the rest of your life?  How can anyone tell a woman what to do in such a situation?  It is a deep and painful moral and ethical decision that a woman must choose, and yes she should consult family, friends, doctors, her partner or spouse, but it all boils down to it being her final decision.  I had a pregnancy scare last year and it terrified me, but for me there really wasn't a choice, had I been pregnany I would have had the baby.

Another serious issue I have, espcially in the current state of the economy is the fact that our civil sevice workers, the police officers, firemen, emt's, etc are having their pay and numbers cut back to accomodate the budget (MA).  How is that a logical thing to do?  These men and women are first in line when things go wrong and they put their lives on the line for civilians day in and day out and the governor of MA justifies cutting back?  I honestly believe the man needs his head checked and to start packing his bags because there's no way in Hell that the man will be re-elected because honestly what the Hell has the idiot done for the state? (getting a bit heated but I'll be voting for anyone besides that man)  The men and women who serve as police, firemen, emts, etc. I thank you, for your dedication, your hard work and the sacrafices that you make everyday!

I also want to thank the men and women serving our country in the armed services for their sacrafice and dedication to make the world a little bit safer everyday!  Because regardless of how we, the civilians, may feel about a political issue or topic it is our duty to support our troops and pray for their safe return. Regardless of how much we may or may not agree with what they're doing, it doesn't really matter...what matters is that they are dedicated to a cause and believe in what they're doing, therefore they not only deserve our support but they have earned by time and again answering the call of duty, leaving behind their family friends and homes and going to distant lands to defend freedom.

And I believe that I am done rambling now.  I have vented and I feel better.  Even though you may or may not agree with my point of view at least try to stop and think and try to look at things from all angles and sides before forming an opinion.

Jen

It's been a while and life is pretty good

It's been a while since I've even thought to write here and in that time a lot has happened in my life.  Life altering events and historical moments that will be remembered by many...I have grown as a person in the time that has elaspsed since my last posting.  I've had to with the current state of things in life.  With the economy and job market in it's current situation it's been a rough go of things for a while.   Hours and people being cut back at work I am truly blessed and lucky to still have a job in my field.  The day in and day out routine of my life hasn't really changed much.  I mean I recently spread my wings a bit and moved out with my boyfriend, but life in general is as it has ever been.  Between going to work and then trying to spend as much time as possible with family and friends in my free time, I'm living a life full of love and laughter and that in my mind, makes me richer than anyone I know (despite my struggle to pay the bills...).

I'm finally learning to take care of me...not leaning so much on my parents for everything, though they still help me with some things.  Balancing a check book should be an easy enough concept however I never really remember to write everything down when I spend the money so hence the finance issues at times.  Buying groceries and all the other domestic things are a bit well mundane but I don't know how that's true when shopping with my guy (he's always trying to make me laugh, a gift for which I can't be greatful enough in life). Doing laundry and other chores is still just as boring and crappy as I remember it growing up, but now I realize just how much mom used to do around the house on her own and I'm finally understanding and appreciating the fact that the woman could not only run and take care of the houseshold, but still work a full time job. 

Life just is, and that is all I really want.  To go on and keep moving forward bit by bit and hopefully in the end I'll have accomplished something or have something to leave behind that is remembered or worthwhile.  I've tried having a more positive outlook on life because it really is just too short.  You truly will never know how or when or why it ends, but that's the reality of it.  Someday it does end, so you may as well make the most of our brief and enriched spark of life in the universe.  

Have you ever watched a movie or read a book or just had a life experience that completely snaps you out of your own little bubble and makes you really think?  I was watching a classic last year and that, I believe, was what helped me snap out of whatever  post-college funk I had fallen into. (the adjustment to living back home with my family was harder than I had ever imagined).  I was flipping through the channels one  dreary winter day and came upon "The Barefoot Contessa" now one of my roommates in college was a film major so I figured that I would give it a try and I loved it,  though  it was sad.  The motto, which I've kind of tried to use in my own life "che sara sara" roughly meaning "whatever will be, will be" has been something I try to remind myself of.  Life is far too short to stress over the inconsequential things.  So I try not to worry and stress quite so much.  Things in life are going to happen for no rhyme or reason that we discern, so it's how we handle these situations and little curve balls that God, destiny, the fates or whichever you deem the controlling factor in life, decides to throw your way.  Why worry so much about tomorrow when you can live today?

And now I will leave you with something a bit dark and pessamistic, however when these things come to mind I have to write them down or I can't focus on anything else.

falling shadows fill the air

day turns to dusk and night begins

silent voices scream in the night

and the world moves on without a care

madness and chaos take over the soul

purity and innocence all but die

rending the helpless incapable to fight

a taint and poison leeches in

a boiling rage simmers beneath the surface

waiting to unleash its fury on all

the frothing and foaming mouth drips

noxious fumes permeate the air

gnashing the teeth and crunching the bones

spitting on the ashes of a life no more

claws raking through the flesh of an empty shell

the soul has fled the pain and hate

calling out into the moonless sky

a harrowing bone-chilling sound

nowhere to run and nowhere to hide

too late it is done...

jmc 8/4/09