Seeing It All...

Friday I had the time of my life in New York City with my roommates Katie and Lindsey. We went with the Art Department here at school and went to see the Metropolitan Museum of Art. It was an amazing experience to be in the same room as painting by Van Gogh, Cezanne, Monet, and so many more. The beauty in their work was truly outstanding. We spent about two hours walking through the museum and ended up leaving, having only seen a small fraction of the exhibits.
Stepping out onto the streets of New York was almost overwhelming. I felt so small and insignificant compared to the massive buildings that surrounded me on all sides. The whole atmosphere of the city was busy and alive. We strolled through Central Park, which is like another world in itself right in the middle of the city. When you're in there you can hardly realize that you're in the middle of one of the largest cities in the world, and yet looking up into the skyline, the evidence is right there for you to see. The buildings are a backdrop for the green, sprawling park. We visited one of the ponds in the park where we found a statue of Alice in Wonderland and another of Hans Christian Andersen's Ugly Duckling. After resting and just enjoying the sites, we set out for our ultimate destinations, Rockefeller Center and Times Square.
Along the way we stopped taking pitchers of anything and everything, the locals could definitely tell we were tourists because they'd walk by and smile or smirk with that indulgent knowing look on their faces. We visited FAO Swartz and checked out the subway, but decided that it would be better to explore that later. So we continued on to Rockefeller Center, which was about thirty blocks from where we started, and that in itself was one Hell of a hike, but at the time, you don't really feel it.
We made it to Rockefeller Center and took pictures at Radio City Music Hall before continuing our steady pace to Times Square. We saw Broadway and Times Square and again I was reminded of just how small I am compared to all of the buildings there. The is the heart of the city. It has the most bustle and life out of anywhere that I've seen. We stood right in the middle of it all on the sidewalk that is in the middle of the street that you see on MTV and other shows. It was almost surreal. We spent hours just walking around and taking pictures.
Throughout our travels I saw so many different buildings and styles of buildings. The shear beauty of it overwhelmed me. Architecture is my thing and to see all of the work there is just astounding. I can't begin to describe what it was like for me to see it all. With that said however, seeing so many buildings falling down, condemned, or in ruin hurt a lot more than I thought that it ever would. I makes me seriously question my major for school. I hate seeing buildings fall into disuse and disrepair. It also reminds me of my mortality and the inevitable end that I will eventually meet. I've been so focused on school and getting it over with that I haven't really sat back and thought about if this is what I really what with the rest of my life. I don't want to work my life away on something that people are just going to let fall apart and be destroyed. It makes it all seem so pointless.
So after going on such a great trip and having so much fun, I am left feeling emotionally drained. I am sore from all of the walking that we did, but I am also weary from the poverty and the crumbling buildings that were obviously at one point in time magnificent buildings. So do I continue on this path that was laid before me or do I choose another one?

Deep Thoughts

So I find myself sitting here out on the porch of this falling down building that was once a home and I find myself lost. Lost in the cool night air. Questions swirling in my mind like the wispy clouds in the star-lit sky.
At this point in my life I realize my youth, yet recognize my age. I want so much for myself and my family. However, I can't seem to find the right path to choose. The chaos screaming loudly in my mind consumes all thought and purpose that I have at this point in my life.
Yet the silent night, calm for a weekend, soothes like nothing else. I'm seeking the answers in the stars like most otfen do, but when will I hear them?
Night after night I search for the impossible hoping for some miracle to set me free, but I digress. I know that it is just wishful thinking on my part.
Dreams don't come true, I lost hope of that a long time ago.
Sitting here surroudned by rotting past dreams I wait. There's no knight and shining armor coming to my rescue, no prince charming to sweep me off my feet. My soul is that of a lady from a forgotten time, surrounded by the material, superficial facets of this world. No chivalry or gallantry for me. Just the aching longing that grows with the passage of time.
I am alone.
There is no one in this world to save me from this prison. I am trapped, forced to bear witness to the slow decay of life anf innocence. The good in this world slowly rots with no eminant cure.
I alone stand here at the brink in this madness of tormented souls and indulgence of sin. "A life without love is no life at all," is what they say. To a certain point I believe them, but only to a certain point.
Once life has lost that sparkle, the magic it really isn't worth living. What point is there to drift in the gray ash of a life that once was?
Am I ever going to find what I need in this life? I often take for granted all of the things in this life that are still here, real and thriving. They may not hold all of the beauty and ideals that my soul craves like nourishment but they are here.
I can feel this world slowly dying around me, slipping farther with every breath that I take. With each passing season the vividness of the world fades, the vibrant colors are a shade duller, and nothing that once held some significanceeven exists anymore. I watch as each day the world that once was, slips away a little more.
And yet my ramblings written here are never heard, as they never are any night. Each day my heart breaks a little more.
I don't see how any of this is going to make a difference in the big picture of things, but at least I will resteasier having finally said it, if only here in this page where only I will likely read it. My thoughts are my own, my salvation in the madness, the only thing that is truly mine.
Here I confide my thoughts, my mind's deepest secrets, my very heart and soul. Here and here alone am I able to quench my thirst, if only for that brief moment when I let down my guard and give way to hopeless dreams and wishes.
Nothing I seem to do can end this constant agonywhich plagues my soul. I fight against the mainstream only to fall short of the expectations set upon me. I want to make it right, but I just want to be myself. I can't do that here and now, in this world of hatred and greed.
I want the simplicity, integrity, honesty, and purity of the ages lost to fate and destiny. I have an ancient soul trapped in the body of youth, screaming for sanctuary from the pain, but no safe-haven exists for this spirit.
To watch life but not participate is my living Hell. I see the world around me and yet am unable to fit in enough to live in it. I skirt around the edges of "civilization," watching the peons keep coming back for more and the emperors brush them aside without a second glance. There is no Paradise for me, no peace to be had here. I am alone.
For fleeting moments I catch glimpses of the life that I yearn for, but they go as quickly as they appear. As much as I hate to hope for something hopeless I know that it must be out there, somewhere, in the vastness of this world.
Will I ever find that dream? Will I ever find the happiness I need to survive? I;m slowly dying here, decaying with the passage of time, much like the world around me.
Shooting stars and fairy dust have lost thier magic and are like any other gems pulled from the bowles of this land. Heavenly landscapes and wonderous wildlife are disappearing in the evergrowing shadows.
What once was is now lost. There are none now to fight it, to stand against the inevitable turn of the tide. We are at the brink of extinction and yet most go on blissfully ignorant to the consequnces, no warnings will be givcven, no mercy shall we recieve, in short all Hell will break lose and it will be the beginning of the end.
Who are we to deal judgement? We play judge, jury and executioner as if it were our job! There is no justice here, no redemption, and no peace. All is rotted to the core of its very existence.
So here I sit a lonley old soul, lost amidst the chaos and death, searching for the way. Looking about I see nothing but darkness as the stars are veiled in the midnight sky. Will the light shine again or am I lost here in the dark for all time? Is there a way out from this prison of mailce and gore? Shadowed beings gorge themselves on the innocence, taking it cruely before its their time and there is nothing that I can do, not alone.
Who will stand with me in the dark? There is no one here, not a sould I can recognize. I am alone.

~I wrote this passage 4/8/05 while sitting on the porch of the house I was living in on campus...take it as you will...it is some of me deepest thoughts and feelings on what is happening in the world around me. Jen