As someone who has always had a firm grasp of who I am and what I want in life, the past five or six years has certainly taken it's toll on me. I graduated college, started a career, got married, and settled into life and got comfortable. With that said, I've managed to pack on an addition 45+ pound of weight and lost myself along the way.
My husband and I are both in our 30's now, working full time and living the "American Dream" of paying off the massive mountain of college loans and getting by. For the past two, almost three years we've been struggling with infertility, unexplained infertility to be more specific.
What many people don't realize is that unexplained does not mean that there is nothing wrong. It just means that the standard testing covered by the scam artist-- I mean insurance companies, cannot find the problem. There is something going on that isn't working or causing us to be infertile. I can't tell you what it is, or why, or how.
My weight may have been a contributing factor, but my doctor and reproductive specialist certainly didn't think so. We went through 1 round of natural trying with Clomid, hello hot-flashes, and 2 medicated IUI's with Clomid the first time and then Gonal-f the second. Each attempt was unsuccessful. The medications made it feel like the entire process was an out of body experience. I was moody, the headaches were awful, and the aforementioned hot-flashes have me apologizing for laughing at the older women in my family. I also developed cysts on my ovaries from the medications each and every time.
By October of last year, I had enough and needed a break. I was mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. Financially we were hurting, our insurance was a joke. Our relationship nearly didn't survive the roller-coaster ride of hormone stimulants and procedures. So we took time off. We went on vacation and went back to focusing on us.
It's been during this "time-off" period that I've had a bit of a break through. I started a new diet/lifestyle change. I'm getting healthier and I'm happier. I've opened up more to my family and friends, who though they want to be supportive will never really be able to comprehend how it feels.
Infertility is not something that I would ever wish on my enemy. Seeking treatments and help for it is not for the faint of heart. I've got to say you don't know your strength and how good your relationship is with your partner until you go through something like this. I'll be honest, it will either make you or break you. For a while I wasn't sure if our relationship was going to survive, but we pulled each other up from the depths of our despair and made it. We're still working on us and ourselves individually.
It has led us to the plans and conclusion that we've come to. We have a follow-up with our reproductive specialist in August and an IVF consult. With insurance we have 3 more IUI's and 2 rounds of IVF, thank you dear husband's employer and insurance! However, it will depend on what our specialist recommends. We want the best chances and though I'm reluctant of admitting it, Clomid worked the best for me, despite the absolute Harpy it turns me into.
In the past month I've found myself, dusted myself off, and realized that it's going to be alright. I've realized that I'm not alone in this. My husband and I are communicating more about what we're both thinking and feeling in regards to our infertility. I've got more support from my family who I've opened up to. My employer and boss are very understanding of the appointments and testing.
I don't have the little black rain cloud over my head anymore. If I can have one person read this and feel like they're not alone in their fertility struggle, then I've done my job. It's a taboo that I feel isn't right. There are more of us struggling with this silently everyday than I think many people realize. Just look at the statistics. It's mind boggling.
So if you're struggling with it, keep your head up, take a deep breath, and know that you're not alone.
Jen
