It's been quite a while since I've written anything as of late. Since the last time that I wrote on here things in my life have gotten a bit crazy. The emotional roller coaster of life is at it again. I've been going through a new issue in my life. The title for this next chapter in my life is pretty self-explanatory.
Now it has been roughly 19 months since my husband and I have been trying and we've still had no luck. The heart break and disappointment seems to grow exponentially with every passing month and each cycle that started again. We've had our highs and lows and many tears along the way that have led us up to the point where we are now.
To give you a bit of background on what I was feeling throughout all of this I'll clue you in on what I've said and left unsaid. While I was thrilled and excited for friends and family who were sharing their exciting expectant news, on the inside I was experiencing a maelstrom of emotions. I really truly was excited and genuinely happy for others, but I was devastated that it wasn't me. Weeping internally for the gift that I hadn't yet received and angry that I did things "the right way" and it hadn't happened yet for us.
I was livid that people seemed to be rubbing it in and beyond upset at the people joking about fake or prank pregnancies. Pissed off that unwed high school drop out teenagers (my cousin) had gotten pregnant and had a child or deeply grieving for the children that were being aborted by the mothers that couldn't be bothered and were using it as a form of birth control when I would have done and would do just about anything to get pregnant and have a child of my own. (This isn't directed at the women who have had to do this for medical reasons or because they've been assaulted, or even any woman in particular, it's more at the unfairness of the situation).
For over a year I tracked my cycle with apps and peeing on ovulation kit sticks. Every month I'd buy two boxes of pregnancy tests because 'just in case'. I could buy stock in the companies and at least get some of my money back at this point. There were months were I got to 5 days even 7 days late and I'd begin to get excited and hopeful only to have the onset of cramps and starting. Then would come the tears with the cramps and beginning of my menstruation.
A little bit of me seemed to die each month. That spark seemed to diminish that much more. I lost myself along the way and felt like I was trapped, drowning in a sea of agony and misery. No one really knew or could even begin to understand. I tried to hide it, but I eventually started shutting down and shutting people out because I couldn't handle it anymore.
Infertility is like this horrible taboo. No one talks about it. No one is open about it. It is this close, personal, private struggle that leaves you feeling isolated and alone. I didn't want to broadcast my problems to others as I'm a very quiet, private person. However I'm well beyond that now. I need to talk about it, so that people understand that I'm not an emotional wreck for no reason. So they understand why I break down crying in the store when I go near the baby aisle and why I've avoided pregnant women.
It was at the point where I was just at the point where I was going to give up that I was given the information for a specialist and clinic from a friend. I made the phone call setting up the initial appointment with a doctor for my husband and myself. We filled out the obligatory packet of information (all 20 pages of it) and sent it back. We had our medical records transferred and amped ourselves up for the appointment, for hope. I made that initial appointment because I had decided that my behavior and the situation were no longer acceptable such as they were.
Over the following months I became a human pin cushion. I've had more blood drawn in the last 4 months than I've had drawn in the last 4 years. I've been poked, prodded and put through the ringer. Ultrasounds, scans, x-rays, dye tests, you name it I've probably had it done. Then there was my husband with semen analysis and blood work. The worst part was next, the waiting. I cannot tell you how anxious and nerve wracking the waiting is. During this time so many things raced through our minds, from the worst case scenario to that hopeful excitement.
The results came back and it left us relieved and yet so frustrated. Unexplained infertility. We had gone through all of that to be told it's unexplained infertility. There is no medical reason or explanation as to why we cannot and have not conceived, but it hasn't happened in 19 months. All of our numbers were fine. The news was so relieving. I cannot imagine being on the opposite side of things where there is something wrong with one or both of the people. Our fertility problems were already putting a strain on our marriage, never mind there being something wrong with one or the other or even both of us.
All of this was leading up to this past month. This month seemed to change things because it was the first time where I had hope again. Sure we found out that there was nothing medically wrong that would explain our infertility, but it didn't alleviate the fact that we were still infertile and would need help.
I've started watching my diet; cutting out processed carbs, gluten, sugar, dairy, etc. I will have small amounts of gluten here and there, but I avoid it where I can. I have small amounts of sugars, but no candy or sweets. I've been eating more fruits and veggies and just all around trying to be better. I've cut soda completely out of my diet, I drink iced tea or water instead. Speaking of which, I've been drinking ridiculous amounts of water and trying to get in my vitamins daily. In doing so I've dropped almost 10 pounds in 2 weeks.
During this time I started my first round of fertility medications and treatments. After my baseline check with blood work and an ultrasound I was given the go ahead to take Clomid on days 5-9 of my cycle. I was on 50mg once a day during the 5 days. I had my Ovidrel shot shipped to my house and refrigerated waiting for the go ahead. On day 12 I went in for more blood work and another ultrasound and lo and behold the medication worked! I had 3 dominant follicles at 20mm, 1 at 15mm and another at 10mm, with another 20 that hadn't matured. (They look for follicles between 18-22mm in size before they give the "green light" for Ovidrel).
I got the call Tuesday at work giving me the "green light." The wait for that phone call was nerve wracking with part excitement bubbling up inside me. I was cautioned that because there were 3 dominant follicles that I have around 10% chance of multiples if we do conceive this month. We were given the option of putting it off a month and abstaining from further actions because of this chance, or going ahead with our plans. We chose to go ahead with it and they have already scheduled our pregnancy test/blood work for April 23rd.
I got home Tuesday night and watched the instructional video for the Ovidrel 3 times to make sure that I understood what I was supposed to do. My husband watched it once as well just to be sure. The anticipation of it nearly had me throwing up. I got everything ready, used the alcohol swab and prepared the medication.
The needle wasn't big at all!! It was such a small gauge that I barely noticed it going in. I mustered up the courage and did it myself, with my hands shaking and feeling a little light headed in the process. Have I mentioned that I don't like needles? The medication stung, it was a dull achy sort of burn that lasted for a good 30 minutes or so and then it was just a dull ache at the injection site.
Of course we had to go along with things, this month was not IUI, but the good old fashioned baby dance and then the acrobatic routine of elevating and tilting my pelvis. I've heard various ridiculous forms of advice from anyone and everyone who thought they were being helpful. (ei. Use pillows, do a head stand, and numerous other crazy, specific positions, number of times, and mortifying bits of advice from one's mother or mother-in-law...) This time I just went with what the nurse suggested and left it at that.
Now on to how the medications were making me feel. Clomid already had me feeling a bit emotional at times. My boobs were feeling a bit sore and tender, the Ovidrel seemed to kick that right into over drive. My abdomen in achy and tender and when the Ovidrel really kicked in I was cramping pretty bad. At one point it felt like I had been punched in the gut. I'm not going to sugar coat it or lie about how I was feeling. I wish someone had warned me about what I could be feeling from it all.
On my Wednesday commute to work I had an epic hot flash. It was in the low 30's F that morning and I was driving with the AC in my car on full blast, the windows rolled down and my coat off. I was a little queasy off and on, but that could have been nerves or anxiety. I felt aches and twinges in my abdomen, which progressively got worse as I already mentioned. It particularly worsened around the 24 hour mark after I took the injection and around the 36 hour mark, so I'm assuming I ovulated in that time frame.
We were given our instructions from the nurse and we've followed them. I was cautioned by the nurse and forums that I've read online that I should not take an at home pregnancy test prior to April 23rd. The Ovidrel will cause false positives on the at home tests. So we shall see. Everything that I've read about Ovidrel says that the side effects are all pregnancy like symptoms, which makes sense because the hormones in it trigger pregnancy.
I'm experiencing a myriad of emotions and thoughts through all of this. If we have multiples, so be it, it'll be a one and done scenario and we will be that much more blessed. If it is just one, then it one child that will be so cherished and loved. If it doesn't happen this month, we have 3 more tries with the insurance covering it and after that 2 rounds of IVF. I don't want to think about and discuss what would happen after that. I'm so hopeful for this, but it's a cautious hopeful. I don't want to shed anymore tears over something that I have no control over.
Easier said than done though. This journey has been a difficult one. I've tried my best not to rage against the world and tell everyone off because how could they possibly know or understand? How could someone who's never gone through this know what I'm feeling and going through? The answer to that is that they don't. Telling me to 'relax' and 'it'll happen' only served to make me more angry and upset, but I bottled it up because I knew that they were trying to be helpful. The good old "you could always adopt" was like a kick in the teeth because let's be honest, who the Hell has $30,000+ just kicking around in their bank account. The ignorance of people about fertility issues is astounding. They don't mean to be rude or hurtful, but they are.
I've found that talking about it and being honest and open about it have helped me to recognize my feelings and emotions better. I've started reading a lot of blogs and forums and watching v-logs of women going through the same heartache and devastation.
I've recognized and come to understand that I have a right to feel what I feel and to express it. Even if that means I have to walk away, get some air and come back. I can be happy for others and grieve for my own infertility. It's okay to do and feel that. Just like it's okay for me to put aside my own issues and make a quilt for my cousin's unborn child. Because bottom line, at the end of the day I'm going to love that child regardless of my own fertility issues. That child will still be part of my family and I need to get over my own issues and not be so selfish as to ruin that excitement for others.
I'm working on being able to talk to and be around pregnant women, I work with 3 for crying out loud! With all of the twinges, tenderness, aches, hot flashes, and hormonal issues, I'm welcoming the experience. I will take whatever comes my way and accept the outcome because now the situation is out of my hands.
I'm planning on blogging about this now because I think that I need to pay it forward. If my story helps even one woman feel more okay, more like she's not alone then it will be worth it.
Now all I have to do is sit and wait. It's the beginning of my 2 week wait and the beginning of my infertility journey. I'm trying not to let it consume my thoughts too much. There's nothing that I can say or do to change things now at this point. So that is where I am at my friends. I hope that those of you reading this and experiencing similar things can find some hope and comfort in this. I know that I found comfort in realizing that I wasn't alone in this.
