The Hormonal Crazy Train - IVF Protocol #1

All aboard the hormonal crazy train!

For those just beginning the infertility or IVF journey, buckle up and brace yourselves.  I'll fill you in on my protocol and personal experiences thus far with fertility medications and hormones.  Mind you, everyone has different experiences.  Perhaps yours will not be the same as mine. 

My protocol as prescribed by my RE was intimidating and daunting for an IVF first timer, but I'm dealing with it as well as can be expected.  On day 3 of my cycle I went in for my baseline and began my birth control that evening once I got the call from my nurse. Yes, birth control! You would think that this is counter productive, but what they're trying to do is stop your bodies natural cycle and ovulation process. 

This is where the Lupron injections come in. I began Lupron injections a week after taking the pill. Lupron in conjunction with birth control suppresses your body's natural ovulation. I use Freedom Fertility Pharmacy (they're amazing!!) for my prescriptions, so depending on where yours are filled you may receive your medications differently. 

The Lupron I received came in a single vial. I also received all of the syringes, alcohol swabs, gauze pads, and sharps container that I will need for this cycle. In the package I received all of my other medications, yes plural as well, but I'll come back to that. The Lupron was pre-mixed which was great, but I have to draw the dose into the syringe and then administer it each night. It was scary at first, but it's really not that bad now.

I'm two and half weeks into my pill pack and almost a week into my Lupron injections. I finish up my pill pack Friday and have my suppression check on Monday. Fingers crossed that it's good news and we can move on to the stims (a.k.a. ovary stimulating hormones) soon.  I will need to continue the Lupron, it's just the dosing that will vary depending on my hormone levels. 

As for the rest of my protocol I was prescribed birth control and Lurpron as previously mentioned, but also Menopur, Gonal-f, Novarel trigger shot,  Etrace patches, and Crinone gel suppository. Yes, it's a lot and yes it's a bit intimidating. 

The Menopur is a powder that I need to add the solvent to and mix before drawing into the syringe. during this process I need to switch needles before administering the medication. It shall be interesting for sure.  Worst case I call on a friend of mine that's a nurse to walk me through the process at least the first time. 

I've used the Gonal-f pre-loaded pen before. That was a piece of cake and a breeze. The instructions are easy to follow and the pens are easy to use. The only set back is that there's only a certain amount of medication in each pen. Depending on the prescribed dosage, you may need to use multiple pens to get your full dose, especially towards the end of the time that you're using the stimulants. 

I've only ever used Ovidrel before, so Novarel will be different. Again I have to mix this medication before drawing into the syringe and then injecting it. I'm a bit nervous about this process if I'm being completely honest.

The Etrace patch I've never used before, so we shall see how that goes. I've also used the Crinone gel suppository in a previous IUI cycle. Again, simple and easy. Sure it's a little messy, but I'll take a mess over intra-muscle injections any day. 

Now for my side effects because let's face it there are always side effects. The title of this blog entry should pretty much explain it all. The whole process is a hormonal crazy train, yes in the background I've got Ozzy's "Crazy Train" playing. Every cycle without fail I've had cysts that caused the delay of the next round of treatment. They eventually went away on their own, but it was... uncomfortable. Then there's the mood swings.  Good Lord, they're terrible. My poor husband has been a champ through all of this. However, he has said and I quote, "I guess I need to invest in a helmet for the next step." We've had our ups and downs through this whole process. It's not easy, but we make a fantastic team.  He's been amazing, especially this past year.  

Let's see what else? I've had some pretty awful head aches and nausea as well as occasional dizziness. Then there's the mother-load... hot-flashes.  Why, oh why did no one warn me about them? I've had them even with the Lupron. I will never laugh at my mother standing out on the deck in a tank top in the middle of a January blizzard again. They're terrible. I tried to play it off at work yesterday like it was fine. I went into the bathroom and ran my hands under ice cold water. All that served to do was make my hands numb, but I was still roasting. 

It comes on pretty quickly.  It starts as a subtle warm feeling, and then it's full blown hair plastered to your head, clothes sticking to your body, and profuse sweating and discomfort. You can only ride it out and try not to draw attention to yourself if you work in a busy office like myself. 

Other symptoms I've experienced are sore and tender breast as well as breakthrough bleeding or spotting.  All of the symptoms are normal and can happen. You can and will feel like you're going through an out of body experience. You know rationally you're really not mad about whatever it is that so and so did, but you snap. You know that commercial on TV isn't really sad, but burst into tears anyways. It's okay, it will be okay.  Trust me.

If you're new to this, you are not alone. If you're a veteran of the craziness that is infertility treatments, keep on keeping on my friends. You will never know what strength you have until you push your body to the absolute limit.  We've been on our journey for 3 years now. We've been receiving treatments for 2 years and had no pregnancies. We've survived numerous friends and family getting pregnant and having babies in that time frame. You can and will get through this.

No one said that this would be easy, just that it would be worth it. Nothing worth it in life is easy. It's the things that you have to fight for that make it all worth while. I have faith and hope that this will work for us. Maybe not this cycle or even this year. But someday we will have a family. 

My advice I would give people beginning this journey is reach out to your close family and friends. I know that's a hard and scary step. However, you need a solid group of people to lean on through this process. If you don't feel that you can contact them look into support groups online or in your area. Your clinic or doctor should be able to give you the name(s) of group(s) in your area.

I want to thank those that have helped me through my own journey. It has been a learning process for all of us, but we're getting there. It has been their love and support that has helped us get through the ups and downs of this whole process and I know that I couldn't have done it without them. 

Faith, hope, and love my friends. Three words that have carried me through when I thought that I couldn't go on anymore. Never lose sight of the big picture. You'll get through this, we all will. 

I'll post with further updates the further I get into this cycle. Fingers crossed, positive vibes, thoughts, and prayers please! Here's to hoping for baby #1 in 2016.

Jen

Dear Future Child

Bear with me while I write this post. It has been a long, raw, emotional week.  While I'm thrilled for family and friends, there was another baby announcement in our inner circle of friends and family and it's a bit difficult to deal with.  If you've been in our shoes, you will understand. If you do not know or have not experienced the agony of infertility, let me educate you.

It is not that we are not happy for others, we're thrilled for you all, but aching and grieving on the inside.  There are good days and bad days.  We need time to sort through our feelings and emotions. It is not that we don't want to be there, it's that sometimes we just can't be there. We have this bleeding gaping wound we're trying to deal with each and every month. We're grieving for something that we hope, wish and pray for each and every month. So please, please just be there for the person you know going through infertility. If affects more people than you even know.

Now onward. I sat down this afternoon and started writing a letter to whatever future child my husband and I may or may not be blessed with. Here it is:

~*~*~*~*~*~

To my dear, sweet miracle,

We have hoped for, prayed for, wished for, and longed for you for years. We have loved you longer than you will know and can even begin to comprehend.  We loved you when you were just a thought, hope, and dream.  We will continue to love you forever.

You, my dear, are everything that we could have ever wished for. I'm writing this now, when you're still a wish, a prayer, and dream. I wonder will you look more like your daddy or me? Will you have his eyes and smile, or my laugh?  Questions that will only be answered when you enter the world and make your grand entrance.

We want you in our arms and love you very much. We are starting the next step in our journey to have you soon. We have waited and hoped for you for a few years now.  The doctor's say it's unexplained why we haven't had any children yet.  I guess that God isn't ready for you to make your appearance yet.  Perhaps you are not ready to join us yet.

We can promise to love you and cherish you.  You can be certain that we will do our very best by you.  My precious little love, we are eagerly waiting for you.  We pray for a happy, healthy, ten fingers, ten toes, perfect, beautiful and wonderful you.

If you're a little boy or girl it will be a thrill for us no matter which you are. We cannot wait to show you the world  and teach you.  We cannot wait to watch you grow, to feel your first kick, and see all of your "first" milestones.  To see you take that first breath, will be a breath-taking experience for us, one that we hope will be soon.

You, little one, are and will be more loved that you know. You've got a few "cousins," second cousins really, already here awaiting your arrival.  I think they would be amazing and fun play-mates. You can have all sorts of fun and get into all kinds of mischief with them.  Oh, just think of the adventures you'll have!

As we begin getting ready for the next round of treatment with the doctors, we hope and pray it will mean that you will be here soon. We can be patient little one, but please hurry for your mommy and daddy love you so.  We cannot wait to meet you.

Hopefully you will be one of the eggs that the doctor takes from mommy next month.  If not we will eagerly and yet patiently wait for you.  Just the thought of you,the hope each month brings, helps us get through the wait for you.  We love you little one.

Love Mommy

                                                     

~*~*~*~*~*~

There it is, the letter that had both my husband and I in tears. It'll go in a journal for our little miracle someday.  I'm trying to prepare myself for what the next 9-10 weeks will mean and bring. There will be pain and discomfort, but the thought that this time, maybe this time could be it, is enough to push through it.

I know realistically there's no guarantee that it will work this time.  However, this time, I've got a glimmer of hope that wasn't there last year. Mentally, emotionally, and physically I'm in a better place. Spiritually I'm in a much better place. It has been through my faith and with the love and support of my family and friends that I have been able to get to where I am today.

If this blog can help just one person feel like they're not alone, then it's worth it. It's been cathartic for me, but I know that by looking at blogs and forums online, I have been able to work through some of what I've been feeling and thinking. I want people to know that you're not alone in this journey.

There are a number of resources available to you.  Resolve is a fantastic website that as support groups and information available to you. BabyCenter also has a number of TTC forums. You can follow register, ask questions, and reach out to other going through the same treatment protocol, diagnosis, etc.  I'd also recommend looking up blogs as well.  Educate yourself as best you can.  Last year I was naïve to think, bam! it would happen. I didn't know about half of what the process entailed.

Now I'll leave you with some funny images and truths about IVF. Laughter is one of the only ways that you'll get through the process sane. If you can't laugh you'll cry, and I know which I'd prefer.

                               
(Images courtesy of google image search)


Smile and laugh my friends. Simply because you can. Until next time.

Cautiously Hopeful

And we've got a "Green Light" people

After days and weeks of anxiously waiting and wondering, we had our IVF consult with our RE this past Monday. I've lost 70lbs since this spring and in doing so it has apparently caused some positive health changes. Not only am I lighter and over all healthier, my blood work came back with improved numbers.  In comparison to last year's numbers it wasn't a huge change, but there was improvement. 

For those just joining us on this journey, my husband and I have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility. So, thus far all of our test were normal and fine. Three rounds of Clomid, 2 medicated IUI's and still we haven't gotten pregnant. Significant weight loss and healthy lifestyle changes also have not helped us to achieve pregnancy. So it has been decided that we're moving on to IVF. 

It's terrifying and thrilling at the same time. I've read different forums and blogs and "know" what to expect, but in the long run I really have no way of knowing.  Having not experienced it first hand yet, I don't know how true the horror stories I've read online are. The unknown is the scary part. 

But it's the hope that's keeping us going.  That little tingle of thrill down our spine that is helping us to slosh through the packets of information and preparing for what's to come.  The hope that our sweet little miracle will be conceived. 

Goodness I just got chills. 

It has officially been one year since our last IUI and what a world of difference a year makes!  I pulled myself from the deep, dark, lonely void that is the infertility struggle. And if you're someone struggling with it, I recommend that you reach out to the various support groups that there are out there. I am also willing to answer questions and offer advice and what words of comfort I can to anyone that needs it.

In the past year I have gone through a complete transformation.  I'm not that same woman that I was just 12 months ago. I'm healthier physically, mentally, and emotionally. My marriage is in a much better place and we're stronger and closer than ever. 

I have also found that by being more open and honest about our infertility, I'm finding strength and support. In opening up, a number of friends and acquaintances have also shared their own struggles.  We've really helped each other get through.  

We are cautiously hopeful for our next step. I start my protocol once I call day 1 of my next cycle. Then just a short 7 weeks later we will know.  It's terrifying and thrilling to know that perhaps this could be it. Or perhaps that one of the eggs they harvest in November could eventually be our miracle baby. 

I still have my moments where there's that ache and pang. There's a never-ending longing that sometimes swamps me.  But when it gets like that I hop on the treadmill or exercise bike and work for it.  I'll be damned if I haven't done everything that I physically and realistically could to make this work. Either that or I go visit my cousin who just had her sweet miracle baby of her own.  She and her husband have been together for nearly 14 years and didn't think that they could have children. Her little baby girl is their miracle baby and gives me hope that it will happen for us someday. 

So I'll leave you here with that hope. That someday whether biologically or not, it will be our turn. Don't forget to live your life though going through this process.  As difficult as it is, the world must go on. Don't wallow in it, that's a very dangerous and scary place to be, take it from someone who completely shut down. 

I know that no matter what happens we'll be okay. It won't be easy and if it's not meant to be it will be difficult to accept, but God has a plan for all of us.  Who am I to question what that plan really is. I recently got a tattoo on my left inner wrist in white in.  It's really rather simple, but holds so many meanings for me. "Faith, hope, love" written in cursive in an infinity symbol.  Those three words have gotten me through the past 4 years. They are from 1 Corinthians 13: 4-13.  We had this as a reading at our wedding 4 years ago this October, and those words, "faith, hope, love" have gotten us through the ups and downs of life and especially our infertility struggle. 

You aren't alone. As mom says, "chin up, it'll be okay."  

Finding Myself Again; the Unexplained Infertility Struggle

As someone who has always had a firm grasp of who I am and what I want in life, the past five or six years has certainly taken it's toll on me. I graduated college, started a career, got married, and settled into life and got comfortable. With that said, I've managed to pack on an addition 45+ pound of weight and lost myself along the way.

My husband and I are both in our 30's now, working full time and living the "American Dream" of paying off the massive mountain of college loans and getting by.  For the past two, almost three years we've been struggling with infertility, unexplained infertility to be more specific.

What many people don't realize is that unexplained does not mean that there is nothing wrong.  It just means that the standard testing covered by the scam artist-- I mean insurance companies, cannot find the problem. There is something going on that isn't working or causing us to be infertile.  I can't tell you what it is, or why, or how.

My weight may have been a contributing factor, but my doctor and reproductive specialist certainly didn't think so.  We went through 1 round of natural trying with Clomid, hello hot-flashes, and 2 medicated IUI's with Clomid the first time and then Gonal-f the second. Each attempt was unsuccessful.  The medications made it feel like the entire process was an out of body experience. I was moody, the headaches were awful, and the aforementioned hot-flashes have me apologizing for laughing at the older women in my family.   I also developed cysts on my ovaries from the medications each and every time.

By October of last year, I had enough and needed a break. I was mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. Financially we were hurting, our insurance was a joke. Our relationship nearly didn't survive the roller-coaster ride of hormone stimulants and procedures. So we took time off. We went on vacation and went back to focusing on us.

It's been during this "time-off" period that I've had a bit of a break through. I started a new diet/lifestyle change.  I'm getting healthier and I'm happier. I've opened up more to my family and friends, who though they want to be supportive will never really be able to comprehend how it feels.

Infertility is not something that I would ever wish on my enemy. Seeking treatments and help for it is not for the faint of heart.  I've got to say you don't know your strength and how good your relationship is with your partner until you go through something like this. I'll be honest, it will either make you or break you. For a while I wasn't sure if our relationship was going to survive, but we pulled each other up from the depths of our despair and made it. We're still working on us and ourselves individually.

It has led us to the plans and conclusion that we've come to.  We have a follow-up with our reproductive specialist in August and an IVF consult. With insurance we have 3 more IUI's and 2 rounds of IVF, thank you dear husband's employer and insurance! However, it will depend on what our specialist recommends. We want the best chances and though I'm reluctant of admitting it, Clomid worked the best for me, despite the absolute Harpy it turns me into.

In the past month I've found myself, dusted myself off, and realized that it's going to be alright.  I've realized that I'm not alone in this. My husband and I are communicating more about what we're both thinking and feeling in regards to our infertility. I've got more support from my family who I've opened up to.  My employer and boss are very understanding of the appointments and testing.

I don't have the little black rain cloud over my head anymore. If I can have one person read this and feel like they're not alone in their fertility struggle, then I've done my job. It's a taboo that I feel isn't right.  There are more of us struggling with this silently everyday than I think many people realize. Just look at the statistics.  It's mind boggling.

So if you're struggling with it, keep your head up, take a deep breath, and know that you're not alone.

Jen