finding a lost part of me

I've walked the lonely road towards an unknown end, losing pieces of myself along the way. I never knew what I was working towards or what I was working for, I only knew that it was something that I had to do because that was what was expected of me. I've done what has been expected of me for so long and I've gone along that path willingly for the most part, but the more time that goes by I find myself questioning the path that I have chose, or that has been chosen for me.
I've reached yet another fork in the road of my life. To my left is the path that has been mapped out for me, neatly and precisely. To my right is a swirling mist leading to an end that no one knows. Do I follow what I've been working for and towards all along, or do I bear right, taking that path that is unclear and free to me? Can I truly break from the mold that has been made for me and my life? Do I really have a choice in this or is it another illusion that has been presented to make it seem like I really have a choice?
I'm at a point in my life where I find myself asking why more and more often than not. I wish that I could go back to that childlike innocence and simplicity in life. Even at my age I find it so hard to handle everything that is happening in the world around me and I find that I'm not quite certain that I am ready to join that part of the "real world" quite yet.
I'm expected to be an adult and to take part in everything that is occurring in the world, but what if I don't agree with a lot of what's happening? What if I don't believe in a lot of what's expected and supposedly right? What options are there for me to live my life the way that I want to if I can't even be myself?
SO much has happened to me so quickly since I was younger. I find it hard to digest it all, yet I'm supposed to continually keep up with everything else that is happening. It's suffocating me slowly and painfully. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know who I want to be, or what I even want anymore for that matter. All that I know is that I don't like where I am right now and where I'm headed.
I want so much more from this life, and I keep getting caught up at dead ends and rules and regulations that are supposed to dictate my life for me. These pointless stipulations make life easy for some and Hell for others. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth thinking about politics and the way that the world is turning out. It is slowly decaying with time and eroding away with the weather because of our own destruction. It pains me to think that I've been a part of the killing of our world.
As the years pass for me, the world and life loses more of its wonder and magic. The rose colored shades of my youth have been lifted and I see things more clearly now, which is most of my problem I suppose. I know that life isn't supposed to be easy, the challenge is half of the adventure of it, but is it really necessary for it to be this hard?
I'm so tired of school and doing what is supposedly the right thing. I'm burnt out from high school and I haven't quite recovered three years later. And yet here I am in college struggling to get by and do the right thing, but is it really the right thing for me? I've been thinking that it's not, yet I'm still here plugging along to keep everyone off my back. This isn't what I want, but maybe if I do this for them they'll lay off and give me some breathing room. All I ever wanted was to be happy in life, but I'm finding that the harder that I look for it, the farther I am from it.
I can't wait for Christmas break, maybe I'll get to catch up on some sleep and relax, then again maybe not. Who knows...

No Offense

I have deleted some of the comments posted to some of my entries...I apologize if they were sincere in their comment, but I have been getting random things linked to this site, cause problems with my computer...I meant no offense although if you were one of the site links that really don't pertain to anything to do with what I have to say...don't link with it!

Weekend with the roomies...

Well thus far this year it has been a rare thing for my two roommates and I to all be here on a weekend. This weekend, however, we were all here and let's just say that it was insane! Friday night we had a Halloween costume party...on campus...with alcohol! We ran out of alcohol after the first two hours and my roommate and I went to get more...after I was a bit on the tipsy side. It was great, I was a skanky pirate, one roomie was a hippie, the other was Red Fraggle, we had a Greaser, a 40's/50's girl, a stewardess, a cowgirl, Marty McFly, and I think that's it...too much drinking involved to remember more. All and all the party was great.
Saturday, we woke up, most with hangovers and greeted the day. My roomie went with me to get my fourth ... anyways yeah then we all went to see Elizabethtown, which YOU MUST GO SEE!!! It was such a great movie, I laughed, I cried, and I loved it! So that brings us to Sunday, a day of doing NOTHING at all. Now today is Monday and I'm scrambling to finish things...this is just a premature case of senioritis I think. Oh what a weekend...

Just Needed to Vent a Little

I've always tried to do my best. School is my thing as sad as that sounds. I've always done well in it. I'm not trying to sound conceited, it's just the facts.
I had a geography exam tonight that may just very well kill my grade! It was awful! My professor didn't go over anything. He wasn't here Tuesday to go over the materials, and we had a quiz. Then we had a worksheet and an exam today! No study guide, no hints as to what to study. Our first exam, and I really don't think that I did all that well on it. This class is a fucking Gen. Ed. and its harder than my 200/300 level classes! what the Hell is wrong with this place?

Seeing It All...

Friday I had the time of my life in New York City with my roommates Katie and Lindsey. We went with the Art Department here at school and went to see the Metropolitan Museum of Art. It was an amazing experience to be in the same room as painting by Van Gogh, Cezanne, Monet, and so many more. The beauty in their work was truly outstanding. We spent about two hours walking through the museum and ended up leaving, having only seen a small fraction of the exhibits.
Stepping out onto the streets of New York was almost overwhelming. I felt so small and insignificant compared to the massive buildings that surrounded me on all sides. The whole atmosphere of the city was busy and alive. We strolled through Central Park, which is like another world in itself right in the middle of the city. When you're in there you can hardly realize that you're in the middle of one of the largest cities in the world, and yet looking up into the skyline, the evidence is right there for you to see. The buildings are a backdrop for the green, sprawling park. We visited one of the ponds in the park where we found a statue of Alice in Wonderland and another of Hans Christian Andersen's Ugly Duckling. After resting and just enjoying the sites, we set out for our ultimate destinations, Rockefeller Center and Times Square.
Along the way we stopped taking pitchers of anything and everything, the locals could definitely tell we were tourists because they'd walk by and smile or smirk with that indulgent knowing look on their faces. We visited FAO Swartz and checked out the subway, but decided that it would be better to explore that later. So we continued on to Rockefeller Center, which was about thirty blocks from where we started, and that in itself was one Hell of a hike, but at the time, you don't really feel it.
We made it to Rockefeller Center and took pictures at Radio City Music Hall before continuing our steady pace to Times Square. We saw Broadway and Times Square and again I was reminded of just how small I am compared to all of the buildings there. The is the heart of the city. It has the most bustle and life out of anywhere that I've seen. We stood right in the middle of it all on the sidewalk that is in the middle of the street that you see on MTV and other shows. It was almost surreal. We spent hours just walking around and taking pictures.
Throughout our travels I saw so many different buildings and styles of buildings. The shear beauty of it overwhelmed me. Architecture is my thing and to see all of the work there is just astounding. I can't begin to describe what it was like for me to see it all. With that said however, seeing so many buildings falling down, condemned, or in ruin hurt a lot more than I thought that it ever would. I makes me seriously question my major for school. I hate seeing buildings fall into disuse and disrepair. It also reminds me of my mortality and the inevitable end that I will eventually meet. I've been so focused on school and getting it over with that I haven't really sat back and thought about if this is what I really what with the rest of my life. I don't want to work my life away on something that people are just going to let fall apart and be destroyed. It makes it all seem so pointless.
So after going on such a great trip and having so much fun, I am left feeling emotionally drained. I am sore from all of the walking that we did, but I am also weary from the poverty and the crumbling buildings that were obviously at one point in time magnificent buildings. So do I continue on this path that was laid before me or do I choose another one?

Deep Thoughts

So I find myself sitting here out on the porch of this falling down building that was once a home and I find myself lost. Lost in the cool night air. Questions swirling in my mind like the wispy clouds in the star-lit sky.
At this point in my life I realize my youth, yet recognize my age. I want so much for myself and my family. However, I can't seem to find the right path to choose. The chaos screaming loudly in my mind consumes all thought and purpose that I have at this point in my life.
Yet the silent night, calm for a weekend, soothes like nothing else. I'm seeking the answers in the stars like most otfen do, but when will I hear them?
Night after night I search for the impossible hoping for some miracle to set me free, but I digress. I know that it is just wishful thinking on my part.
Dreams don't come true, I lost hope of that a long time ago.
Sitting here surroudned by rotting past dreams I wait. There's no knight and shining armor coming to my rescue, no prince charming to sweep me off my feet. My soul is that of a lady from a forgotten time, surrounded by the material, superficial facets of this world. No chivalry or gallantry for me. Just the aching longing that grows with the passage of time.
I am alone.
There is no one in this world to save me from this prison. I am trapped, forced to bear witness to the slow decay of life anf innocence. The good in this world slowly rots with no eminant cure.
I alone stand here at the brink in this madness of tormented souls and indulgence of sin. "A life without love is no life at all," is what they say. To a certain point I believe them, but only to a certain point.
Once life has lost that sparkle, the magic it really isn't worth living. What point is there to drift in the gray ash of a life that once was?
Am I ever going to find what I need in this life? I often take for granted all of the things in this life that are still here, real and thriving. They may not hold all of the beauty and ideals that my soul craves like nourishment but they are here.
I can feel this world slowly dying around me, slipping farther with every breath that I take. With each passing season the vividness of the world fades, the vibrant colors are a shade duller, and nothing that once held some significanceeven exists anymore. I watch as each day the world that once was, slips away a little more.
And yet my ramblings written here are never heard, as they never are any night. Each day my heart breaks a little more.
I don't see how any of this is going to make a difference in the big picture of things, but at least I will resteasier having finally said it, if only here in this page where only I will likely read it. My thoughts are my own, my salvation in the madness, the only thing that is truly mine.
Here I confide my thoughts, my mind's deepest secrets, my very heart and soul. Here and here alone am I able to quench my thirst, if only for that brief moment when I let down my guard and give way to hopeless dreams and wishes.
Nothing I seem to do can end this constant agonywhich plagues my soul. I fight against the mainstream only to fall short of the expectations set upon me. I want to make it right, but I just want to be myself. I can't do that here and now, in this world of hatred and greed.
I want the simplicity, integrity, honesty, and purity of the ages lost to fate and destiny. I have an ancient soul trapped in the body of youth, screaming for sanctuary from the pain, but no safe-haven exists for this spirit.
To watch life but not participate is my living Hell. I see the world around me and yet am unable to fit in enough to live in it. I skirt around the edges of "civilization," watching the peons keep coming back for more and the emperors brush them aside without a second glance. There is no Paradise for me, no peace to be had here. I am alone.
For fleeting moments I catch glimpses of the life that I yearn for, but they go as quickly as they appear. As much as I hate to hope for something hopeless I know that it must be out there, somewhere, in the vastness of this world.
Will I ever find that dream? Will I ever find the happiness I need to survive? I;m slowly dying here, decaying with the passage of time, much like the world around me.
Shooting stars and fairy dust have lost thier magic and are like any other gems pulled from the bowles of this land. Heavenly landscapes and wonderous wildlife are disappearing in the evergrowing shadows.
What once was is now lost. There are none now to fight it, to stand against the inevitable turn of the tide. We are at the brink of extinction and yet most go on blissfully ignorant to the consequnces, no warnings will be givcven, no mercy shall we recieve, in short all Hell will break lose and it will be the beginning of the end.
Who are we to deal judgement? We play judge, jury and executioner as if it were our job! There is no justice here, no redemption, and no peace. All is rotted to the core of its very existence.
So here I sit a lonley old soul, lost amidst the chaos and death, searching for the way. Looking about I see nothing but darkness as the stars are veiled in the midnight sky. Will the light shine again or am I lost here in the dark for all time? Is there a way out from this prison of mailce and gore? Shadowed beings gorge themselves on the innocence, taking it cruely before its their time and there is nothing that I can do, not alone.
Who will stand with me in the dark? There is no one here, not a sould I can recognize. I am alone.

~I wrote this passage 4/8/05 while sitting on the porch of the house I was living in on campus...take it as you will...it is some of me deepest thoughts and feelings on what is happening in the world around me. Jen

Homecoming...

Well, this is it... It's the night before heading back to Keene for another year of broadening my mind. In any case this summer has flown by so fast that my head is spinning. I worked 12 hour days and 60 hour weeks on my feet, hoping to save enough money...But the outcome is yet to be seen. It's hard to think about the reality of what tomorrow means for me. It means the beginning of my junior year, putting me another year closer to facing the real world.
Eventhough I've been home for almost 4 months I haven't spent much time with my family, nor have I seen much of my family on a day to day basis. As I get a little older I realize just how important my family is to me and just what it means to me knowing that they'll be there no matter what. Through the ups and downs they've been there and for that I'm grateful.
I have become the person that I am and the person that I am striving to be because of them and their un conditional love and support. So going back to school puts me back in my element as weird as that may sound. Not because I don't want to be literally at home with my family, but because at school I'm continuing everything that I've been working towards, which all goes back to my family.
With that said however, school at least for me is like a second home. I'm comfortable there and do well. I'm anxious to go back, yet uncertain about leaving just yet. Then again I am every year...Wow I'm full of contradictions and lots of caffeine, so I'm going to end the rambling here and now.
Jen

Hey People...

I just checked on some of my comments because I haven't posted or check on my clog in a while and I got a response from heyzues. I definitely think that we are among the few who actually still have these things going but oh well, it's a way to vent right? Anyways the answer to your question is that I have Friedman for Creative Writing. The class is going pretty good, but then again we've still got a few weeks of class left, so who knows how everything will turn out.
I hope that everything is going well for all my fellow bloggers in the world...They're going pretty well for me, or as well as can be expected. I'm at school, what do you expect? It's not the greatest, but it sure as Hell beats dealing with all of the assholes in the real world.

Well, I'm off to get some stuff done before I turn in...Until next time.
Jen

The One That Got Away...

Have you ever loved someone, but let them go because you were too scared to take that next step? I know it sounds like something you'd read about in a cheesy romance novel or see on a soap opera, but isn't that the way that life goes? Everyone always comes to me telling me about their problems, bitching about their love life issues and this particular entry is about one of my best friend's experiences. She called me the other day crying about how she loved this guy that she was best friends with...Well I'll just tell you about it.

(Initials have been changed and the story slightly altered timewise and such to hide a certain someone's identity...)

M.J. was your average girl in high school. She got decent grades and was pretty involved in just about everything around school. Although she was liked by most people, she didn't really associate with many people back in high school because she, like myself and our friends, didn't believe that many of the people in our school were genuine. However, we did have a close knot group of friends that we'd hang out with.
Anyways, we were best friends and we while we were close, her closest friend was S.S. They had grown up around each other for most of their lives and knew each other really well. She confided everything in him, more so than she did with any of the rest of us.
As time went by we all noticed the sexual tension building between the two of them as the hormones started to rage, but neither would make a move. She didn't want to see their friendship change and he feared losing her or scaring her off. So at times it was pretty awkward at the lunch table.
Soon enough senior year started and S.S. finally made a move, asking her to the movies and she agreed to go. She told me then that they were going as friends, but the rest of us knew that he wanted them to be more. M.J. Told me she liked him and was attracted to him, but she really just wasn't ready for anything serious.
We all went together and had a blast, but I could tell that M.J. was a little uncomfortable. She noticed the looks that S.S. was giving her. I mean if he stared any harder his eyes would have fallen out and I was surprised he didn't need a bib for the drool that almost fell out of his open mouth. All of us girls went on a shopping spree the day before and bought some fun outfits...
As the night progressed the tension built and it was obvious that he wanted to let her know how he felt and he told her. She ran to me in a panic, not knowing how to react. Well I told her to just go with it, but my advice fell on deaf ears and I swear you could hear his heart breaking a mile away when she "let him down."
He really liked her, we could see that. And she liked him, but serious relationships scared the Hell out of the poor girl, she'd been hurt too many times before... So things were really awkward from there on. They were close but he held back from her and she didn't know how to act around him anymore. Graduation came and went and we all left for college. They kept in touch with each other and you know how the saying goes, "absence makes the heart grow fonder," well yeah according to her it does.
M.J. breaks S.S.'s heart, goes seven hours away to school and decides that she's in love with her childhood best friend from high school, almost two years after moving...Now is it me or is that just fucked up? So back to the phone call...Apparently he called her the other day telling her about this girl that he met a while back. He gets into how great she is and how special she is...M.J. Totally freaks and calls me crying because now she decides that she wants him, but obviously can't have him...High school drama was supposed to stop in high school right?...I mean if I'm wrong someone please tell me or just put me out of my misery because I hated drama queens in high school and now apparently my friend has not only turned into a whining, high maintenance girlie-girl, but she's now a drama queen as well. Damn, what happened to the girl who'd help me take on the guys in football?...
So what do I tell her? Does she confess to him that she loves him and always has? or does she stand back and let him have his happiness? I don't know what to do or what to tell her, but this is driving me crazy...Then again relationship issues that weren't my own, usually did.
Jen

Back Again!

Well, I'm back from winter break and have decided to continue this blog in my free time. I wasn't really sure if I'd want to but I figured that this is a good way to keep on writing. I'm now taking a creative writing class, which is really great so I hope that everything goes well for that class. Yet again I have a pretty full schedule, but life goes on. I'm now that much closer to graduating and getting the hell out of here. Don't get me wrong, I like the whole living away from home deal, I just don't like the whole going to class part of the situation.

Winter break was fun and I loved hanging out at home relaxing, and that's pretty much all that I did, relax. I read probably 15 books and just hung out around the house and with my family and closest friends. However, I wanted to rip my hair out by the second week because it fell back into the old "hey Jen's home routine," which just pissed me off, but oh well.

I don't really have too much to write about write now. I'm not feeling particularly creative seeing how I just rolled out of bed. I'll post somethign new relatively soon.

Jen