Well, first off I'd like you to know that my Thanksgiving break at home was great. I love being home with my family and just hanging out with everyone. We all had a great time together. I think that because my brother will be starting college in the fall we all tend to cherish what time we all have together. We prepared for Thanksgiving on Wednesday, made the dinner on Thursday, Christmas shopping on Friday, we got our Christmas tree Saturday...16 foot tree...Yeah that's another story for another time, then we decorated said tree on Sunday morning before I left to come back up to school. I really hate having to leave home after such a long time there. You kind of get used to being there and part of the routine again.
Anyways I think that you can recall how miserable it was like outside on Sunday, well I had to drive back to Keene in that weather. I had a bad feeling about that morning, but I had to get to school to get some stuff done. I ran some errands for my parents, packed up my car and left. My mother warned me to drive slow, so I was cautious, but apparently not enough.
I drove down my street and to Oxford Center to get on the highway. I don't know if any of you have driven on 395 through Worcester, but it's a task on a good day, never mind in shitty weather.
So I got onto 395 in Oxford and drove through to Auburn. It was windy and raining, making driving a bit more difficult than it should have been. I called my mom just before the mall exit in Auburn telling her that it was bad out...She said to go slow and be careful and right before we hung up, she said "I love you." As soon as the words left her mouth my stomach sunk, and I got that horrible foreboding feeling. Right then and there I knew that something bad was going to happen and I wanted to cry. I told her that I loved her too and hung up.
Not two minutes later I went to pass a van in the fast lane. I wasn't going more than 60 MPH, but apparently that was enough. I hit the first puddle and the wheel jerked. My mind was screaming as I fought to control the car. I knew that I was in trouble. The left side of the fast lane had water streaming down it. Then I saw the second puddle and stopped breathing, there was nothing that I could do.
Just as I hit the puddle the wind picked up and all Hell broke loose. My back end swung out and the spinning started. You know how they say you see your life flash before your eyes in near death experiences, well sometimes things happen so fast you don't see anything.
The car starts spinning and the tears start falling. I hold the wheel and struggle to gain control. I close my eyes and hit the brakes. I pray that no one gets hurt. While my car is spinning wildly across 3 lanes of highway in traffic I kept thinking if I die today, what have I done in my life that would make a difference to anyone? What have I done that would mean anything?
At this point I've resolved myself that there was no escaping my impending doom. 395 is a highway that runs over the city of Worcester, meaning that the highway is 40+ feet above the ground with only guard rails to "stop" your car.
Round and round we go, where we'll stop nobody knows. And then, the impossible happened. The car stopped spinning in the breakdown lane, granted I was facing the oncoming traffic, but I had stopped! Not only had I stopped, but I was alive and unhurt! I didn't hit anyone or anything!
I broke down into hysterics at this point. I couldn't think, I couldn't talk, I couldn't breathe. I looked up from my sob fest on my steering wheel and I had stopped all 3 lanes of traffic on 395 in Worcester! A mini-van pulled over in the breakdown lane in front of me it was a woman, a car pulled over behind me it was the daughter of the woman in the van. People came running, and I just cried. I looked over to the guard rail the only thing stopping anyone from dropping to certain death and I saw that I was only 3 feet away from dying. I cry harder at this while trying to assure the kind people who came to my rescue that I was fine.
Another van stops in the slow lane and puts his hazards on. He gets out of his van and comes over as well. I get out of my car, not a dent scratch or flat tire. The man from the van runs over and asks me about Turing my car around...I guess he took the hint that I couldn't and he smiled and laughed and did it for me. The woman and her daughter try talking to me, I really don't remember what I said to any of them, except for "thank you." The mother said something in light of it all, but I will never forget it, or the people who stopped to help me..."See, there are good people in the world." And she was right, there truly are kind people in the world. Complete strangers pulled over and stopped their lives to make sure that I was alright. It meant a lot to me and it is something that I will never forget.
Once I got me car back the right way I thanked all of them, got back in my car, and began my long and slow ride to Keene. I called my mother minutes later in hysterics telling her what had happened. She wanted me to pull off the road so that my parents could come and get me but I knew that if I didn't get on with it then and there I'd probably never go. I told her everything and through my tears and babbling she must have understood. I hung up with her once again and drove the rest of the way to school, legs shaking and tears streaming down my face.
I finally got to school unloaded the car, went to my room and cried. It was a bit much and a huge reality check for me. I've never been so scared in my entire life, never. Then the seriousness of it all hit me like a tidal wave. I almost died! I almost never saw my family again! I didn't tell them that I loved them before I left! Needless to say I sat in my dorm room for the rest of the day crying, alone. I didn't do anything for the rest of the day. I was traumatized, sore, and exhausted.
It is not an experience that I'll ever forget, but I truly wish to never repeat it. I almost lost so mush yesterday that I'm ready to cry. There's so much that I want to do with my life, and all of that was almost wiped away in a matter of seconds. Every year the Holidays are memorable to me, but this Thanksgiving break will always be remembered as the year that I stopped traffic on 395 in Worcester.
I hope you all had a better break than me.
Jen
Monday, November 29, 2004
Monday, November 22, 2004
Family Matters...
If it is one thing in life that has always been there for me it has been my family. Through thick and thin they have stood by me and have helped me along the way. They give me strength when I have none, they give me hope when I have given up, and they have a faith and belief in me that often brings me to tears. Their unconditional love and support has gotten me through the worst and best of times. Without them I don't know where I'd be today.
With that said let me introduce you to my family, who is said to be able to give the Osborne's a run for their money. ( No, I'm not joking! ) First there is my father, the working man, who with his quiet solid form, can do just about anything. I have "super-dad," who can do just about anything. He can fix a car, build just about anything, make you laugh until you cry, make you smile, and just be crazy old dad...That's right crazy, but we'll get back to that.
Next comes mom...There's not a stronger woman you will ever find. She's beautiful, smart, funny, but she does have her "crazy blonde" moments...Don't we all. She stayed at home and raised us most of our lives, but occasionally over the years she has worked odd jobs. She is the most loving and fun person anyone could want for a mother. She's understanding and patient...She had to be with us demons in the house...( four kids by the age of 29...Five when you include the biggest kid in the house, dad!)
Then there's me...The rebel, the supposed "book worm" and "goody-goody," yeah right...If they only knew. Let's just say that people have always assumed I was the Mandy Moore character in "A Walk to Remember." You know the one...The girl who never does anything wrong. That's a laugh. I could pour the perfect beer from a keg before I could do most other things. I was drinking on a regular basis by the age of 13. I skipped CCD-"Sunday School" and pretty much rebelled when I could...And sort of still do.
Next is my brother, the comedian in our rabble of misfits. He can talk his way around you in a conversation and in the end you'll agree with him for two reasons: 1.) you just want him to shut up and stop bothering you 2.) he can sometimes actually have you agreeing and you won't know it. He says the right things to make you laugh and bring up your mood, despite his sarcasm. He's a big clown... A cross between Jim Carry and Adam Sandler and I'm not exaggerating. He's hilarious, but he's also the sweetest guy in the world.
Then there's my little sister, the resident pre-teen who, well can make things a little dramatic and stressful at times. I suppose that it's the age, but seriously, she's topped even me in the bitchy category at times, but you gotta love the girl for it. Under her bristly exterior is one of the most caring people that I know. Sure she says some pretty random and dumb stuff at times, but it just makes you love her that much more.
Finally, last but not least is our little man, my "baby" brother who turns 8 next month. He is one of the most active little guys I have ever known. Some days he's up and out before the rest of us off on one of his adventures and doesn't come home 'til dark ( summer time usually). He's the kid who brings critters home in his pockets and climbs trees 10 times his height. He gets dirty and muddy and he loves it.
Now that I've introduced you to the family, I'll give you stories and scenarios so you better understand the madness I can't get enough of.
1.)...We were all home one day sitting down for dinner in the dining room for the first time in a long time. (We usually all eat in other rooms or at different times.) Dinner went relatively well, the conversation wasn't what you'd call dinner conversation, but oh well. So dinner was coming to an end with all of us bickering and arguing, over what I don't remember. My brother and I swapped veggies for steak ( he hates steak) and mom got mad...Things escalated and finally everyone was ready to leave, but we calmed down and mom calmly stated that if we couldn't sit down nicely that we wouldn't try it again. Dad got up and went to get the dinner rolls and mom asked him to pass her one...And he did, literally, he threw it to her, not to be mean...He just tossed it and she wasn't looking and it hit on the head...And we all (except mom) died laughing, needless to say our "nice family dinner" was over that night.
2.)...We were all in the kitchen/dining room talking, I don't remember what about but let me give you some background info again on my brother, "the comedian." Apparently he had just recently watched a Jeff Foxworthy special on Comedy Central...Need I say more? Anyways, back to the story. Well at some point during the day my sister had gotten 2 "signs" from my brother for saying something stupid...So were were all talking in the kitchen and she randomly blurts out the most absurd thing in the world..."What if there was cubed cheese?" ( I'll explain further) My brother, being himself, hands her the third "sign" and proceeded to throw his shoe at her and wacked her in the head knocking her off of her chair. I fell to the ground laughing as did most everyone else...It gets better...Then she says"No, I meant cheese in an ice cube..." And that just left us all laughing so hard we were crying...And my brother looked appalled that she would think of something that crazy...At first he thought, as did we all, that she was talking about a block of cheese, but this time she out did herself in her random dumb comments.
3.)...My "baby" brother was outside in the yard one day with mom while the rest of us were at school, or work. They were gardening and pulling weeds from the flower beds. My brother, the little helper that he is wanted to help...So he did...Mom pulled up some weeds by the roots and out fell a worm. Now my brother was little at the time I think 3 at the most. He touched it and freaked out and started crying...Apparently his adventurous outdoors nature was still latent. Anyways when we got home from school mom told us what happened saying, "...Doesn't like worms.."And my brother turns to my "baby" brother and asks..."Why not they taste like chicken?" yep he actually asked that, whether or not he was serious I still don't know, but I wouldn't put it past him, the kid ate bugs until he was like 10 just for the Hell of it...He'd eat just about anything...
I don't have any particular funny stories about dad, but there are many coming from a guy who threw rocks and sticks at the neighborhood kids as a game...He's an all around fun guy.
Like I said we could give the Osborne's a run for their money...Me the rebel, my bro the comedian, my sister the drama queen ditz, and lil bro who gets into more trouble than the rest of us combined, then again he learned from the masters of childhood terror...Sledding off of cliffs...Playing "diver Dan" in the road... acorn and apple fights...yep we were crazy and did some pretty dumb stuff just for kicks...Who else build "go-carts" out of an old push lawn mower and uses a rock tied to an old extension cord for breaks...Those were the days and I loved every one of them.
Jen
With that said let me introduce you to my family, who is said to be able to give the Osborne's a run for their money. ( No, I'm not joking! ) First there is my father, the working man, who with his quiet solid form, can do just about anything. I have "super-dad," who can do just about anything. He can fix a car, build just about anything, make you laugh until you cry, make you smile, and just be crazy old dad...That's right crazy, but we'll get back to that.
Next comes mom...There's not a stronger woman you will ever find. She's beautiful, smart, funny, but she does have her "crazy blonde" moments...Don't we all. She stayed at home and raised us most of our lives, but occasionally over the years she has worked odd jobs. She is the most loving and fun person anyone could want for a mother. She's understanding and patient...She had to be with us demons in the house...( four kids by the age of 29...Five when you include the biggest kid in the house, dad!)
Then there's me...The rebel, the supposed "book worm" and "goody-goody," yeah right...If they only knew. Let's just say that people have always assumed I was the Mandy Moore character in "A Walk to Remember." You know the one...The girl who never does anything wrong. That's a laugh. I could pour the perfect beer from a keg before I could do most other things. I was drinking on a regular basis by the age of 13. I skipped CCD-"Sunday School" and pretty much rebelled when I could...And sort of still do.
Next is my brother, the comedian in our rabble of misfits. He can talk his way around you in a conversation and in the end you'll agree with him for two reasons: 1.) you just want him to shut up and stop bothering you 2.) he can sometimes actually have you agreeing and you won't know it. He says the right things to make you laugh and bring up your mood, despite his sarcasm. He's a big clown... A cross between Jim Carry and Adam Sandler and I'm not exaggerating. He's hilarious, but he's also the sweetest guy in the world.
Then there's my little sister, the resident pre-teen who, well can make things a little dramatic and stressful at times. I suppose that it's the age, but seriously, she's topped even me in the bitchy category at times, but you gotta love the girl for it. Under her bristly exterior is one of the most caring people that I know. Sure she says some pretty random and dumb stuff at times, but it just makes you love her that much more.
Finally, last but not least is our little man, my "baby" brother who turns 8 next month. He is one of the most active little guys I have ever known. Some days he's up and out before the rest of us off on one of his adventures and doesn't come home 'til dark ( summer time usually). He's the kid who brings critters home in his pockets and climbs trees 10 times his height. He gets dirty and muddy and he loves it.
Now that I've introduced you to the family, I'll give you stories and scenarios so you better understand the madness I can't get enough of.
1.)...We were all home one day sitting down for dinner in the dining room for the first time in a long time. (We usually all eat in other rooms or at different times.) Dinner went relatively well, the conversation wasn't what you'd call dinner conversation, but oh well. So dinner was coming to an end with all of us bickering and arguing, over what I don't remember. My brother and I swapped veggies for steak ( he hates steak) and mom got mad...Things escalated and finally everyone was ready to leave, but we calmed down and mom calmly stated that if we couldn't sit down nicely that we wouldn't try it again. Dad got up and went to get the dinner rolls and mom asked him to pass her one...And he did, literally, he threw it to her, not to be mean...He just tossed it and she wasn't looking and it hit on the head...And we all (except mom) died laughing, needless to say our "nice family dinner" was over that night.
2.)...We were all in the kitchen/dining room talking, I don't remember what about but let me give you some background info again on my brother, "the comedian." Apparently he had just recently watched a Jeff Foxworthy special on Comedy Central...Need I say more? Anyways, back to the story. Well at some point during the day my sister had gotten 2 "signs" from my brother for saying something stupid...So were were all talking in the kitchen and she randomly blurts out the most absurd thing in the world..."What if there was cubed cheese?" ( I'll explain further) My brother, being himself, hands her the third "sign" and proceeded to throw his shoe at her and wacked her in the head knocking her off of her chair. I fell to the ground laughing as did most everyone else...It gets better...Then she says"No, I meant cheese in an ice cube..." And that just left us all laughing so hard we were crying...And my brother looked appalled that she would think of something that crazy...At first he thought, as did we all, that she was talking about a block of cheese, but this time she out did herself in her random dumb comments.
3.)...My "baby" brother was outside in the yard one day with mom while the rest of us were at school, or work. They were gardening and pulling weeds from the flower beds. My brother, the little helper that he is wanted to help...So he did...Mom pulled up some weeds by the roots and out fell a worm. Now my brother was little at the time I think 3 at the most. He touched it and freaked out and started crying...Apparently his adventurous outdoors nature was still latent. Anyways when we got home from school mom told us what happened saying, "...Doesn't like worms.."And my brother turns to my "baby" brother and asks..."Why not they taste like chicken?" yep he actually asked that, whether or not he was serious I still don't know, but I wouldn't put it past him, the kid ate bugs until he was like 10 just for the Hell of it...He'd eat just about anything...
I don't have any particular funny stories about dad, but there are many coming from a guy who threw rocks and sticks at the neighborhood kids as a game...He's an all around fun guy.
Like I said we could give the Osborne's a run for their money...Me the rebel, my bro the comedian, my sister the drama queen ditz, and lil bro who gets into more trouble than the rest of us combined, then again he learned from the masters of childhood terror...Sledding off of cliffs...Playing "diver Dan" in the road... acorn and apple fights...yep we were crazy and did some pretty dumb stuff just for kicks...Who else build "go-carts" out of an old push lawn mower and uses a rock tied to an old extension cord for breaks...Those were the days and I loved every one of them.
Jen
Monday, November 15, 2004
Kids...
I've decided that I love kids! I've always been around kids, babysitting and helping my family with siblings and cousins. One would think that with all of the time spent with them that I would have been scared away from the idea of eventually having kids, but that's not the case.
For my work study job here at school at work for an after school homework lab/ after school program fro kids from kindergarten to fifth grade. This job has really openned my eyes to the full experience of being around kids. Sure I got a lot of experience growing as the oldest of four in my house, but it's different when you are related to the kids that you're responsible for.
In the past couple of months I've really connected to this amazing group of little hellions. I adore and admire each and everyone of them for their little quirks and their charming smiles. There's nothing in the world like teaching them something new or helping them to achieve something. I have never felt this way before when I go to work and hang out with the kids coloring or playing on the playground. It's a new adventure everyday and they've openned my eyes to a lot of things. They halp me to see the innocence and purity that is still left in this ravished world.
I can't seem to get it through my head that these brave and intelligent little people are going to have to eventually face the world some day. It makes you just want to hide them away from the rest of the world and protect them from everything and anything that will harm them. It pains me to know that they will soon lose whatever youthful innocence that remains. I'm not sure that they can even imagine what the world holds for them. For now they live in their blissfully naive little world of childhood, but how soon will it last?
I envy their outlook on life. They are so opimistic and pure that I ache inside thinking about how cruel the world can and will eventually be to them. I've grown up from the serious little child that I once was, but a part of that little girl survives in me and is in awe of the world around me. I love to color and play outside. I love to swing and read silly stories. I just love doing all that things that make life so simple and yet so comfortable.
These kids have made such an impact on my life and I didn't even know that they wiggle their way into my heart until it was too late. I have come to care about each and everyone of them. I love children in general. Kids are like no other group of people in the world. They can take you to far away places with their stories and adventures and they can bring you to your knees with their tears. They hold the future and the world in the palms of their tiny hands and yet the rest of the world seems to forget that simple fact.
It makes me sick to see most of what happens to children in the world. How anyone can harm or kill a child is beyond me. I have to turn off the TV sometimes because I start crying when I hear how a parent murdered their child or beat them until they were hospitalized...and don't even get me started on the sexual abuse that you hear about. Children are the world and to tarnish that innocence or to take it away prematurely is wrong and vile.
Maybe it's the maternal side in me coming out or maybe its the humane part of who I am, but I can't stand to see anyone harmed, especially not children. I can't say enough, but I love kids, and if my mother reads this she may very well panic because up until now I have convinced my family that I'd never have kids. Don't panic yet mom, I'm planning on starting anytime soon! Eventaully, yes, like five or more years down the road, but right now, nah. Life's just beginning to get interesting here and I'm not ready for that kind of responsibility. I can barely keep myself out of trouble, never mind a whole other person depending on me for survival.
Jen
For my work study job here at school at work for an after school homework lab/ after school program fro kids from kindergarten to fifth grade. This job has really openned my eyes to the full experience of being around kids. Sure I got a lot of experience growing as the oldest of four in my house, but it's different when you are related to the kids that you're responsible for.
In the past couple of months I've really connected to this amazing group of little hellions. I adore and admire each and everyone of them for their little quirks and their charming smiles. There's nothing in the world like teaching them something new or helping them to achieve something. I have never felt this way before when I go to work and hang out with the kids coloring or playing on the playground. It's a new adventure everyday and they've openned my eyes to a lot of things. They halp me to see the innocence and purity that is still left in this ravished world.
I can't seem to get it through my head that these brave and intelligent little people are going to have to eventually face the world some day. It makes you just want to hide them away from the rest of the world and protect them from everything and anything that will harm them. It pains me to know that they will soon lose whatever youthful innocence that remains. I'm not sure that they can even imagine what the world holds for them. For now they live in their blissfully naive little world of childhood, but how soon will it last?
I envy their outlook on life. They are so opimistic and pure that I ache inside thinking about how cruel the world can and will eventually be to them. I've grown up from the serious little child that I once was, but a part of that little girl survives in me and is in awe of the world around me. I love to color and play outside. I love to swing and read silly stories. I just love doing all that things that make life so simple and yet so comfortable.
These kids have made such an impact on my life and I didn't even know that they wiggle their way into my heart until it was too late. I have come to care about each and everyone of them. I love children in general. Kids are like no other group of people in the world. They can take you to far away places with their stories and adventures and they can bring you to your knees with their tears. They hold the future and the world in the palms of their tiny hands and yet the rest of the world seems to forget that simple fact.
It makes me sick to see most of what happens to children in the world. How anyone can harm or kill a child is beyond me. I have to turn off the TV sometimes because I start crying when I hear how a parent murdered their child or beat them until they were hospitalized...and don't even get me started on the sexual abuse that you hear about. Children are the world and to tarnish that innocence or to take it away prematurely is wrong and vile.
Maybe it's the maternal side in me coming out or maybe its the humane part of who I am, but I can't stand to see anyone harmed, especially not children. I can't say enough, but I love kids, and if my mother reads this she may very well panic because up until now I have convinced my family that I'd never have kids. Don't panic yet mom, I'm planning on starting anytime soon! Eventaully, yes, like five or more years down the road, but right now, nah. Life's just beginning to get interesting here and I'm not ready for that kind of responsibility. I can barely keep myself out of trouble, never mind a whole other person depending on me for survival.
Jen
Monday, November 08, 2004
Who Am I?
Yep, it's official, I really hate going to school. I've always hated school, always. People have just assumed that because I may get good grades that I liked it or enjoyed it, but they couldn't have been more wrong. School, extra curriculars, sports, and other things were just expected of me. More than that, I was expected to do well, not because it was what they wanted for me, but because they knew that I could do it. I proved that I could do well early on, so I guess that there wasn't really an excuse for anything less afterwards.
Everything seems really superficial. We go to school for at least 16 years, given or take a couple, to go get a job, to pay the bills, to live in a rigid routine of clocks, bells and signs ruling our lives. Ugh!! I really don't want any of this right now. All I want to do is live my life and to be happy with whatever I do, but as far as I can tell that's not going to happen because we go back to the what's expected of me aspect of my life that I can't seem to escape.
I know that clinging to those childhood ideals of what life is or what it could be isn't exactly the way to go, but I can't let go of them. I still want to believe that I can find what I'm looking for in life. I'm not sure what it is, but I just have this feeling that I'm waiting for something. I'm not content with the way things are going, sure I'll get my degree, get my professional/master's, get a good paying job, and live day in and day out repeating the same thing everyday. I used to be afraid of the unknown, but now I'm afraid of living the same thing everyday. The monotony of it all is depressing.
I know that there is so much more out there, I just have to open my eyes and find it. I can tell you this much though, when I find it, I'm holding on with both hands and never letting go. I've lived 19 years of the expected and the "right" thing according to others, and I've decided that it's about time that I do something for me. I'm going to study abroad Spring 2006, my roommate and I are going to Ireland. I need to see some of the world before I resolve myself to the monotonous fate that is known as life.
I want to do what they think that I should do, but in all honesty it doesn't make me happy. Somehow over the years I've lost myself in the person that they wanted me to become and have lost sight of what matters to me. Slowly over these past two years I'm discovering the real me who somehow hid underneath the mask of the "book-worm." I nearly had a serious breakdown last year struggling to find myself and still I don't quite have the answers to all of the questions that keep arising.
To say that my life has been tough is an understatement. I don't want pity, I don't need it. The past is the past and life goes on. I can only look to the future and hope for the best, despite everything that is happening in the world around me today. I love them an would do anything for them, but I can't live my life for them. I know that they all have such high hopes for me, and maybe I do too, but I think that I really need to find myself before I can completely grow up, which a scary thought in itself.
I just need to find my place before I can settle in to the world and be somewhat content. I see everyone around me getting married and having kids, and not that I want that right now, but I can't help but feel that slight twinge knowing that I don't have that. I can't explain why I'd be happy as a stay at home mom, but that's what I keep coming back to...Sure I want a career and a good paying job, but, I see all the amazing things that my mother and aunts did and I admire them for it. I also want to be involved if and when I have kids.
I'm tired of being who other want me to be or who they expect me to be, I'm my own person damn it and it's about time that they start realizing it too! I want my own life, so let me live it and go live yours! Wow, that definitely felt good to get that out finally!
This is getting out of hand so before I get all crazy writing this I'm going to have to end it here.
Jen
Everything seems really superficial. We go to school for at least 16 years, given or take a couple, to go get a job, to pay the bills, to live in a rigid routine of clocks, bells and signs ruling our lives. Ugh!! I really don't want any of this right now. All I want to do is live my life and to be happy with whatever I do, but as far as I can tell that's not going to happen because we go back to the what's expected of me aspect of my life that I can't seem to escape.
I know that clinging to those childhood ideals of what life is or what it could be isn't exactly the way to go, but I can't let go of them. I still want to believe that I can find what I'm looking for in life. I'm not sure what it is, but I just have this feeling that I'm waiting for something. I'm not content with the way things are going, sure I'll get my degree, get my professional/master's, get a good paying job, and live day in and day out repeating the same thing everyday. I used to be afraid of the unknown, but now I'm afraid of living the same thing everyday. The monotony of it all is depressing.
I know that there is so much more out there, I just have to open my eyes and find it. I can tell you this much though, when I find it, I'm holding on with both hands and never letting go. I've lived 19 years of the expected and the "right" thing according to others, and I've decided that it's about time that I do something for me. I'm going to study abroad Spring 2006, my roommate and I are going to Ireland. I need to see some of the world before I resolve myself to the monotonous fate that is known as life.
I want to do what they think that I should do, but in all honesty it doesn't make me happy. Somehow over the years I've lost myself in the person that they wanted me to become and have lost sight of what matters to me. Slowly over these past two years I'm discovering the real me who somehow hid underneath the mask of the "book-worm." I nearly had a serious breakdown last year struggling to find myself and still I don't quite have the answers to all of the questions that keep arising.
To say that my life has been tough is an understatement. I don't want pity, I don't need it. The past is the past and life goes on. I can only look to the future and hope for the best, despite everything that is happening in the world around me today. I love them an would do anything for them, but I can't live my life for them. I know that they all have such high hopes for me, and maybe I do too, but I think that I really need to find myself before I can completely grow up, which a scary thought in itself.
I just need to find my place before I can settle in to the world and be somewhat content. I see everyone around me getting married and having kids, and not that I want that right now, but I can't help but feel that slight twinge knowing that I don't have that. I can't explain why I'd be happy as a stay at home mom, but that's what I keep coming back to...Sure I want a career and a good paying job, but, I see all the amazing things that my mother and aunts did and I admire them for it. I also want to be involved if and when I have kids.
I'm tired of being who other want me to be or who they expect me to be, I'm my own person damn it and it's about time that they start realizing it too! I want my own life, so let me live it and go live yours! Wow, that definitely felt good to get that out finally!
This is getting out of hand so before I get all crazy writing this I'm going to have to end it here.
Jen
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