Scary Times in a Cold World

 I haven't been on here in years, but in that time, we've seen pandemics, political chaos, racial divides, wars, and so much more. We've seen the very best of humanity, and honestly, we've seen the worst of humanity in the past several years. As a mom it's quite alarming to see such unrest and drastic break downs in our society both nationally, and globally. 

First, we have a polarizing political landscape. There is the far left, and the far right, with little choice in the middle. Neither side can agree on pretty much anything and they use media to incite the masses with misinformation and exaggeration. Where is the ethical journalism in our world? Where is the truth rather than the mandated rhetoric that seems to be dictated by one side or the other depending on what network you listen to or watch? What happened to actually reporting on the truth?

I have several ideas on how to fix our problems. You can agree, you can disagree, this is an opinion. 

1. Close the borders and have those that entered here illegally tracked down. There's a reason that our borders haven't been a free for all ... for decades. Without a check on who is coming and going we're opening ourselves up to possible attacks. Isn't it curious that the masses that you see entering the border are all adult males? No families in sight. It's alarming. In short, the entire immigration system needs to be fixed sooner rather than later.
1. Do not try to tell me I need to house illegal immigrants and my tax dollar sure as Hell should not be paying for it either. There are our own citizens that are homeless or denied social services when we're bankrupting ourselves for people who shouldn't even be here. The last time someone tried telling people that had to house foreigners it didn't end so well for those people. It was one of the reasons that kicked off the American Revolution where colonists were required to give quarters to the British...
2. We've opened ourselves to both drug and human trafficking. It needs to be stopped and cracked down on fast. 
2. Term limits for all elected officials!!! Say it again from the back... honestly our forefathers never intended for it to be a lifelong free ride on the taxes of the people. Our politicians are meant to serve the people, not themselves. If the president is limited to 2 terms, it's time to limit the other branches of the government as well. 10 years for the Supreme Court, and 2 terms for the House and Senate. 
1. in conjunction with terms limits, salary limits that they cannot vote on for themselves. I don't know about you, but I can walk into my boss's office and tell him that we took a vote and we're all going to be getting $XX raise. That's not how it works in the real world.
2. If they vote to pass a law, ei healthcare, education, security, whatever they pass for the masses they should be subjected to as well. No more free education for them or their families, no more free healthcare for them, no more security on our dime, especially when they're voting and passing laws that destabilize our communities, ei "defund the police" nonsense!
3. They should only be paid for days they are actually working for our benefit. If they can put in on paper tracking what hours they actually work at the capital and at their local offices, great. If not, the six month "recesses" need to stop. If the government gets shut down, they should not get paid and for everyday it continues to be shut down they should lose pay and owe the taxpayers for their nonsense.
3. Call in debts owed to us from all foreign countries. We're shelling out cash we don't have to other nations when we've got homeless people and people that can't afford to live in our own back yard, time to take care of our nation and citizens first.
1. in addition to this and it's a big one... stop lending cash and resources to other nations when our own is so far in debt its appalling. ei, don't fund foreign wars when we've got our own problems. I'm not saying abandon them completely, but I think our politicians need to really take a look at the toll it is taking on us. 
4. The education system needs to be fixed. We need to stop the "participation" awards in life and start holding people accountable. We're not doing anyone any favors giving them a pat on the back for just showing up. Again, that's not how the real-world works. You're setting kids up for a lifelong journey of disappointment and unrealistic expectations.
1. Keep politics, religion, and woke agendas out of the classroom. I'm all for educating children based on facts and science. However, kindergarteners don't need sex education or to know anything about sexual preferences or identities. If my children have a question, they can come to me. They don't need to be indoctrinated into whatever woke agenda they're trying to push.
5. The healthcare system needs to be fixed. Other countries have it figured out. This should also include pharmaceutical companies that are raking in the money as are insurance companies. There is no excuse for people being denied care because they can't afford it. No one should have to choose between medication or treatment needed or putting food on the table, and yet that is where we are at as a country. 

As I said, I know I won't make friends with my views. (I won't even get started on the Second Amendment; however, it should be noted that the Nazis first took away firearms and the means to defend themselves from the Jewish people leading up to World War II. It was a catalyst for taking away more and more rights...) In some instances, I'll be offending people and that's alright. I'm fine with people having different opinions and views. The only way that we will open the door to change that we can all agree with and accept.

I've watched the news of what's happening in Israel and its terrifying and appalling. I cannot believe that such senseless violence is taking place. I cannot imagine what they're going through. As a woman and a mother, it's something that makes me sick to think about and yet here it is. Violence because of religion, violence against women. 

There are other areas of the world experiencing chaos. Ukraine is still fighting for their freedom from Russia and if that weren't scary enough there is an uptick in activity in Asia as well. Afghanistan and Iraq are a mess since our abrupt departure, and it's a damn shame, especially for the men and women in uniform that went there and sacrificed so much in hopes of helping the people there. People around the world need to wake up and take a good look around them. 

The very freedoms that our forefathers and those after them fought and died for are in jeopardy. The world is in a pressure cooker of unrest right now and unless something is done it's going to be a terrible and terrifying time for all of us. 

As a human race we all need to stand up for what is right. It's time to stop sticking our heads in the sand and helping one another. We need to take better care of our first responders and service members. We need to be kinder and more compassionate. But by no means do we need to become the doormats and chumps that the rest of the world are starting to see us as. 

I tell my children and have since they were younger. "God made us all in all different shapes, sizes, colors and He loves us all." People are different and that's okay. What's not okay is pushing your beliefs and agenda onto others. There can be peaceful and mature conversations, but nothing says that we have to agree. You can believe whatever you want, but when it starts to affect my life, then it becomes a problem. I live life based on fact and faith, and that is how I'm raising my children to live as well. 

Stay safe and stay positive. I fear that we're going to end up watching history repeat but on a much more deadly level. God help us all if that is the case. We don't have the WWII generation around to whip us into shape. We've got a generation of entitled little whiners who are more worried about their social media following than what is going on the in real world around them. I fear for what that means for us as a nation.  God bless.

The Hormonal Crazy Train - IVF Protocol #1

All aboard the hormonal crazy train!

For those just beginning the infertility or IVF journey, buckle up and brace yourselves.  I'll fill you in on my protocol and personal experiences thus far with fertility medications and hormones.  Mind you, everyone has different experiences.  Perhaps yours will not be the same as mine. 

My protocol as prescribed by my RE was intimidating and daunting for an IVF first timer, but I'm dealing with it as well as can be expected.  On day 3 of my cycle I went in for my baseline and began my birth control that evening once I got the call from my nurse. Yes, birth control! You would think that this is counter productive, but what they're trying to do is stop your bodies natural cycle and ovulation process. 

This is where the Lupron injections come in. I began Lupron injections a week after taking the pill. Lupron in conjunction with birth control suppresses your body's natural ovulation. I use Freedom Fertility Pharmacy (they're amazing!!) for my prescriptions, so depending on where yours are filled you may receive your medications differently. 

The Lupron I received came in a single vial. I also received all of the syringes, alcohol swabs, gauze pads, and sharps container that I will need for this cycle. In the package I received all of my other medications, yes plural as well, but I'll come back to that. The Lupron was pre-mixed which was great, but I have to draw the dose into the syringe and then administer it each night. It was scary at first, but it's really not that bad now.

I'm two and half weeks into my pill pack and almost a week into my Lupron injections. I finish up my pill pack Friday and have my suppression check on Monday. Fingers crossed that it's good news and we can move on to the stims (a.k.a. ovary stimulating hormones) soon.  I will need to continue the Lupron, it's just the dosing that will vary depending on my hormone levels. 

As for the rest of my protocol I was prescribed birth control and Lurpron as previously mentioned, but also Menopur, Gonal-f, Novarel trigger shot,  Etrace patches, and Crinone gel suppository. Yes, it's a lot and yes it's a bit intimidating. 

The Menopur is a powder that I need to add the solvent to and mix before drawing into the syringe. during this process I need to switch needles before administering the medication. It shall be interesting for sure.  Worst case I call on a friend of mine that's a nurse to walk me through the process at least the first time. 

I've used the Gonal-f pre-loaded pen before. That was a piece of cake and a breeze. The instructions are easy to follow and the pens are easy to use. The only set back is that there's only a certain amount of medication in each pen. Depending on the prescribed dosage, you may need to use multiple pens to get your full dose, especially towards the end of the time that you're using the stimulants. 

I've only ever used Ovidrel before, so Novarel will be different. Again I have to mix this medication before drawing into the syringe and then injecting it. I'm a bit nervous about this process if I'm being completely honest.

The Etrace patch I've never used before, so we shall see how that goes. I've also used the Crinone gel suppository in a previous IUI cycle. Again, simple and easy. Sure it's a little messy, but I'll take a mess over intra-muscle injections any day. 

Now for my side effects because let's face it there are always side effects. The title of this blog entry should pretty much explain it all. The whole process is a hormonal crazy train, yes in the background I've got Ozzy's "Crazy Train" playing. Every cycle without fail I've had cysts that caused the delay of the next round of treatment. They eventually went away on their own, but it was... uncomfortable. Then there's the mood swings.  Good Lord, they're terrible. My poor husband has been a champ through all of this. However, he has said and I quote, "I guess I need to invest in a helmet for the next step." We've had our ups and downs through this whole process. It's not easy, but we make a fantastic team.  He's been amazing, especially this past year.  

Let's see what else? I've had some pretty awful head aches and nausea as well as occasional dizziness. Then there's the mother-load... hot-flashes.  Why, oh why did no one warn me about them? I've had them even with the Lupron. I will never laugh at my mother standing out on the deck in a tank top in the middle of a January blizzard again. They're terrible. I tried to play it off at work yesterday like it was fine. I went into the bathroom and ran my hands under ice cold water. All that served to do was make my hands numb, but I was still roasting. 

It comes on pretty quickly.  It starts as a subtle warm feeling, and then it's full blown hair plastered to your head, clothes sticking to your body, and profuse sweating and discomfort. You can only ride it out and try not to draw attention to yourself if you work in a busy office like myself. 

Other symptoms I've experienced are sore and tender breast as well as breakthrough bleeding or spotting.  All of the symptoms are normal and can happen. You can and will feel like you're going through an out of body experience. You know rationally you're really not mad about whatever it is that so and so did, but you snap. You know that commercial on TV isn't really sad, but burst into tears anyways. It's okay, it will be okay.  Trust me.

If you're new to this, you are not alone. If you're a veteran of the craziness that is infertility treatments, keep on keeping on my friends. You will never know what strength you have until you push your body to the absolute limit.  We've been on our journey for 3 years now. We've been receiving treatments for 2 years and had no pregnancies. We've survived numerous friends and family getting pregnant and having babies in that time frame. You can and will get through this.

No one said that this would be easy, just that it would be worth it. Nothing worth it in life is easy. It's the things that you have to fight for that make it all worth while. I have faith and hope that this will work for us. Maybe not this cycle or even this year. But someday we will have a family. 

My advice I would give people beginning this journey is reach out to your close family and friends. I know that's a hard and scary step. However, you need a solid group of people to lean on through this process. If you don't feel that you can contact them look into support groups online or in your area. Your clinic or doctor should be able to give you the name(s) of group(s) in your area.

I want to thank those that have helped me through my own journey. It has been a learning process for all of us, but we're getting there. It has been their love and support that has helped us get through the ups and downs of this whole process and I know that I couldn't have done it without them. 

Faith, hope, and love my friends. Three words that have carried me through when I thought that I couldn't go on anymore. Never lose sight of the big picture. You'll get through this, we all will. 

I'll post with further updates the further I get into this cycle. Fingers crossed, positive vibes, thoughts, and prayers please! Here's to hoping for baby #1 in 2016.

Jen

Dear Future Child

Bear with me while I write this post. It has been a long, raw, emotional week.  While I'm thrilled for family and friends, there was another baby announcement in our inner circle of friends and family and it's a bit difficult to deal with.  If you've been in our shoes, you will understand. If you do not know or have not experienced the agony of infertility, let me educate you.

It is not that we are not happy for others, we're thrilled for you all, but aching and grieving on the inside.  There are good days and bad days.  We need time to sort through our feelings and emotions. It is not that we don't want to be there, it's that sometimes we just can't be there. We have this bleeding gaping wound we're trying to deal with each and every month. We're grieving for something that we hope, wish and pray for each and every month. So please, please just be there for the person you know going through infertility. If affects more people than you even know.

Now onward. I sat down this afternoon and started writing a letter to whatever future child my husband and I may or may not be blessed with. Here it is:

~*~*~*~*~*~

To my dear, sweet miracle,

We have hoped for, prayed for, wished for, and longed for you for years. We have loved you longer than you will know and can even begin to comprehend.  We loved you when you were just a thought, hope, and dream.  We will continue to love you forever.

You, my dear, are everything that we could have ever wished for. I'm writing this now, when you're still a wish, a prayer, and dream. I wonder will you look more like your daddy or me? Will you have his eyes and smile, or my laugh?  Questions that will only be answered when you enter the world and make your grand entrance.

We want you in our arms and love you very much. We are starting the next step in our journey to have you soon. We have waited and hoped for you for a few years now.  The doctor's say it's unexplained why we haven't had any children yet.  I guess that God isn't ready for you to make your appearance yet.  Perhaps you are not ready to join us yet.

We can promise to love you and cherish you.  You can be certain that we will do our very best by you.  My precious little love, we are eagerly waiting for you.  We pray for a happy, healthy, ten fingers, ten toes, perfect, beautiful and wonderful you.

If you're a little boy or girl it will be a thrill for us no matter which you are. We cannot wait to show you the world  and teach you.  We cannot wait to watch you grow, to feel your first kick, and see all of your "first" milestones.  To see you take that first breath, will be a breath-taking experience for us, one that we hope will be soon.

You, little one, are and will be more loved that you know. You've got a few "cousins," second cousins really, already here awaiting your arrival.  I think they would be amazing and fun play-mates. You can have all sorts of fun and get into all kinds of mischief with them.  Oh, just think of the adventures you'll have!

As we begin getting ready for the next round of treatment with the doctors, we hope and pray it will mean that you will be here soon. We can be patient little one, but please hurry for your mommy and daddy love you so.  We cannot wait to meet you.

Hopefully you will be one of the eggs that the doctor takes from mommy next month.  If not we will eagerly and yet patiently wait for you.  Just the thought of you,the hope each month brings, helps us get through the wait for you.  We love you little one.

Love Mommy

                                                     

~*~*~*~*~*~

There it is, the letter that had both my husband and I in tears. It'll go in a journal for our little miracle someday.  I'm trying to prepare myself for what the next 9-10 weeks will mean and bring. There will be pain and discomfort, but the thought that this time, maybe this time could be it, is enough to push through it.

I know realistically there's no guarantee that it will work this time.  However, this time, I've got a glimmer of hope that wasn't there last year. Mentally, emotionally, and physically I'm in a better place. Spiritually I'm in a much better place. It has been through my faith and with the love and support of my family and friends that I have been able to get to where I am today.

If this blog can help just one person feel like they're not alone, then it's worth it. It's been cathartic for me, but I know that by looking at blogs and forums online, I have been able to work through some of what I've been feeling and thinking. I want people to know that you're not alone in this journey.

There are a number of resources available to you.  Resolve is a fantastic website that as support groups and information available to you. BabyCenter also has a number of TTC forums. You can follow register, ask questions, and reach out to other going through the same treatment protocol, diagnosis, etc.  I'd also recommend looking up blogs as well.  Educate yourself as best you can.  Last year I was naïve to think, bam! it would happen. I didn't know about half of what the process entailed.

Now I'll leave you with some funny images and truths about IVF. Laughter is one of the only ways that you'll get through the process sane. If you can't laugh you'll cry, and I know which I'd prefer.

                               
(Images courtesy of google image search)


Smile and laugh my friends. Simply because you can. Until next time.

Cautiously Hopeful

And we've got a "Green Light" people

After days and weeks of anxiously waiting and wondering, we had our IVF consult with our RE this past Monday. I've lost 70lbs since this spring and in doing so it has apparently caused some positive health changes. Not only am I lighter and over all healthier, my blood work came back with improved numbers.  In comparison to last year's numbers it wasn't a huge change, but there was improvement. 

For those just joining us on this journey, my husband and I have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility. So, thus far all of our test were normal and fine. Three rounds of Clomid, 2 medicated IUI's and still we haven't gotten pregnant. Significant weight loss and healthy lifestyle changes also have not helped us to achieve pregnancy. So it has been decided that we're moving on to IVF. 

It's terrifying and thrilling at the same time. I've read different forums and blogs and "know" what to expect, but in the long run I really have no way of knowing.  Having not experienced it first hand yet, I don't know how true the horror stories I've read online are. The unknown is the scary part. 

But it's the hope that's keeping us going.  That little tingle of thrill down our spine that is helping us to slosh through the packets of information and preparing for what's to come.  The hope that our sweet little miracle will be conceived. 

Goodness I just got chills. 

It has officially been one year since our last IUI and what a world of difference a year makes!  I pulled myself from the deep, dark, lonely void that is the infertility struggle. And if you're someone struggling with it, I recommend that you reach out to the various support groups that there are out there. I am also willing to answer questions and offer advice and what words of comfort I can to anyone that needs it.

In the past year I have gone through a complete transformation.  I'm not that same woman that I was just 12 months ago. I'm healthier physically, mentally, and emotionally. My marriage is in a much better place and we're stronger and closer than ever. 

I have also found that by being more open and honest about our infertility, I'm finding strength and support. In opening up, a number of friends and acquaintances have also shared their own struggles.  We've really helped each other get through.  

We are cautiously hopeful for our next step. I start my protocol once I call day 1 of my next cycle. Then just a short 7 weeks later we will know.  It's terrifying and thrilling to know that perhaps this could be it. Or perhaps that one of the eggs they harvest in November could eventually be our miracle baby. 

I still have my moments where there's that ache and pang. There's a never-ending longing that sometimes swamps me.  But when it gets like that I hop on the treadmill or exercise bike and work for it.  I'll be damned if I haven't done everything that I physically and realistically could to make this work. Either that or I go visit my cousin who just had her sweet miracle baby of her own.  She and her husband have been together for nearly 14 years and didn't think that they could have children. Her little baby girl is their miracle baby and gives me hope that it will happen for us someday. 

So I'll leave you here with that hope. That someday whether biologically or not, it will be our turn. Don't forget to live your life though going through this process.  As difficult as it is, the world must go on. Don't wallow in it, that's a very dangerous and scary place to be, take it from someone who completely shut down. 

I know that no matter what happens we'll be okay. It won't be easy and if it's not meant to be it will be difficult to accept, but God has a plan for all of us.  Who am I to question what that plan really is. I recently got a tattoo on my left inner wrist in white in.  It's really rather simple, but holds so many meanings for me. "Faith, hope, love" written in cursive in an infinity symbol.  Those three words have gotten me through the past 4 years. They are from 1 Corinthians 13: 4-13.  We had this as a reading at our wedding 4 years ago this October, and those words, "faith, hope, love" have gotten us through the ups and downs of life and especially our infertility struggle. 

You aren't alone. As mom says, "chin up, it'll be okay."  

Finding Myself Again; the Unexplained Infertility Struggle

As someone who has always had a firm grasp of who I am and what I want in life, the past five or six years has certainly taken it's toll on me. I graduated college, started a career, got married, and settled into life and got comfortable. With that said, I've managed to pack on an addition 45+ pound of weight and lost myself along the way.

My husband and I are both in our 30's now, working full time and living the "American Dream" of paying off the massive mountain of college loans and getting by.  For the past two, almost three years we've been struggling with infertility, unexplained infertility to be more specific.

What many people don't realize is that unexplained does not mean that there is nothing wrong.  It just means that the standard testing covered by the scam artist-- I mean insurance companies, cannot find the problem. There is something going on that isn't working or causing us to be infertile.  I can't tell you what it is, or why, or how.

My weight may have been a contributing factor, but my doctor and reproductive specialist certainly didn't think so.  We went through 1 round of natural trying with Clomid, hello hot-flashes, and 2 medicated IUI's with Clomid the first time and then Gonal-f the second. Each attempt was unsuccessful.  The medications made it feel like the entire process was an out of body experience. I was moody, the headaches were awful, and the aforementioned hot-flashes have me apologizing for laughing at the older women in my family.   I also developed cysts on my ovaries from the medications each and every time.

By October of last year, I had enough and needed a break. I was mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. Financially we were hurting, our insurance was a joke. Our relationship nearly didn't survive the roller-coaster ride of hormone stimulants and procedures. So we took time off. We went on vacation and went back to focusing on us.

It's been during this "time-off" period that I've had a bit of a break through. I started a new diet/lifestyle change.  I'm getting healthier and I'm happier. I've opened up more to my family and friends, who though they want to be supportive will never really be able to comprehend how it feels.

Infertility is not something that I would ever wish on my enemy. Seeking treatments and help for it is not for the faint of heart.  I've got to say you don't know your strength and how good your relationship is with your partner until you go through something like this. I'll be honest, it will either make you or break you. For a while I wasn't sure if our relationship was going to survive, but we pulled each other up from the depths of our despair and made it. We're still working on us and ourselves individually.

It has led us to the plans and conclusion that we've come to.  We have a follow-up with our reproductive specialist in August and an IVF consult. With insurance we have 3 more IUI's and 2 rounds of IVF, thank you dear husband's employer and insurance! However, it will depend on what our specialist recommends. We want the best chances and though I'm reluctant of admitting it, Clomid worked the best for me, despite the absolute Harpy it turns me into.

In the past month I've found myself, dusted myself off, and realized that it's going to be alright.  I've realized that I'm not alone in this. My husband and I are communicating more about what we're both thinking and feeling in regards to our infertility. I've got more support from my family who I've opened up to.  My employer and boss are very understanding of the appointments and testing.

I don't have the little black rain cloud over my head anymore. If I can have one person read this and feel like they're not alone in their fertility struggle, then I've done my job. It's a taboo that I feel isn't right.  There are more of us struggling with this silently everyday than I think many people realize. Just look at the statistics.  It's mind boggling.

So if you're struggling with it, keep your head up, take a deep breath, and know that you're not alone.

Jen

A Silent Battle Within

Discovering that you have a fertility problem is like a slap in the face.  One of the most natural things in the world and you find out that you can't achieve that on your own is a devastating blow and a tough pill to swallow. Enter the self doubt, resentment, anger and misery.

There is nothing that anyone else can say that will make it better.  Those that haven't experienced it haven't a clue as to what you're going through.  There's a gaping void inside of you and a sense of loss that you can't quite shake. You become angry at yourself, the world, and your husband.  

Nothing will make sense.  You will play the blame game. You start creating charts and alarms on your calendar and reminders on your phone.  Your sex life becomes one big scheduled science project.  There is no romance to it, it becomes a mechanical act.

You get to the point where you cannot be around pregnant women and babies.  You cannot speak to your friends that are pregnant, you cannot talk to them about their pregnancies or their children.  

There is this emptiness you feel.  This hollow aching pain that seems to consume you every single month that you start your period.  Gone were the days of praying that you would start.  You've tried everything in the book and still nothing seems to be working. 

Finally, when your marriage is on the verge of crumbling you sit and talk and decide that you need to seek assistance at a Fertility Clinic.  And while you are diagnosed with unexplained infertility or whatever form of infertility you're going through, they give you hope. 

The past two years has been a long silent battle for my husband and I.  We're still struggling with it.  After our first unsuccessful round of fertility treatments we needed to take time off.  As a side effect of the Clomid, I had Ovarian Cysts on both of my ovaries. It was at this point that we decided to take some time off.

It was not an easy decision to make.  It was something that we wrestled with for quite some time before choosing to put more of an effort into our relationship again. After being a human pin cushion for nearly 5 months I decided that I needed a breather. We took the past two months to get back to basics and focus on us for a bit.  There were no charts, no tests, and no stress.  We took time to be just us again, which was exactly what we needed at the time. 

In roughly three weeks, we should be going in for our first IUI and I'd be lying if I said we weren't extremely nervous.  While I want to be hopeful, I don't want to set myself up for more heartache. I kept quiet about what I was going through for so long. It was a constant struggle every single day to pull myself back together and paste on a smile for others. 

I'm in a better place now.  I can see a pregnant woman and smile wistfully. I can look a baby and not burst into tears.  While there is some resentment and bitterness towards certain aspects of my life, I can recognize that I need to get over it and be a better person. 

Life is what you make it.  This past year in particular has shaken my faith. I was so angry. I couldn't get past that.  I do have a blessed life and have learned and come to understand that I need to have a lot more faith that in the end everything will happen the way that the Big Guy Upstairs intends it to. 

The Journey of the Infertile

It's been quite a while since I've written anything as of late. Since the last time that I wrote on here things in my life have gotten a bit crazy.  The emotional roller coaster of life is at it again. I've been going through a new issue in my life.  The title for this next chapter in my life is pretty self-explanatory.

Now it has been roughly 19 months since my husband and I have been trying and we've still had no luck.  The heart break and disappointment seems to grow exponentially with every passing month and each cycle that started again. We've had our highs and lows and many tears along the way that have led us up to the point where we are now.

To give you a bit of  background on what I was feeling throughout all of this I'll clue you in on what I've said and left unsaid.  While I was thrilled and excited for friends and family who were sharing their exciting expectant news, on the inside I was experiencing a maelstrom of emotions.  I really truly was excited and genuinely happy for others, but I was devastated that it wasn't me. Weeping internally for the gift that I hadn't yet received and angry that I did things "the right way" and it hadn't happened yet for us.

I was livid that people seemed to be rubbing it in and beyond upset at the people joking about fake or prank pregnancies. Pissed off that unwed high school drop out teenagers (my cousin) had gotten pregnant and had a child or deeply grieving for the children that were being aborted by the mothers that couldn't be bothered and were using it as a form of birth control when I would have done and would do just about anything to get pregnant and have a child of my own. (This isn't directed at the women who have had to do this for medical reasons or because they've been assaulted, or even any woman in particular, it's more at the unfairness of the situation).

For over a year I tracked my cycle with apps and peeing on ovulation kit sticks.  Every month I'd buy two boxes of pregnancy tests because 'just in case'. I could buy stock in the companies and at least get some of my money back at this point.  There were months were I got to 5 days even 7 days late and I'd begin to get excited and hopeful only to have the onset of cramps and starting.  Then would come the tears with the cramps and beginning of my menstruation.

A little bit of me seemed to die each month.  That spark seemed to diminish that much more.  I lost myself along the way and felt like I was trapped, drowning in a sea of agony and misery. No one really knew or could even begin to understand. I tried to hide it, but I eventually started shutting down and shutting people out because I couldn't handle it anymore.

Infertility is like this horrible taboo. No one talks about it.  No one is open about it.  It is this close, personal, private struggle that leaves you feeling isolated and alone.  I didn't want to broadcast my problems to others as I'm a very quiet, private person.  However I'm well beyond that now. I need to talk about it, so that people understand that I'm not an emotional wreck for no reason.  So they understand why I break down crying in the store when I go near the baby aisle and why I've avoided pregnant women.

It was at the point where I was just at the point where I was going to give up that I was given the information for a specialist and clinic from a friend. I made the phone call setting up the initial appointment with a doctor for my husband and myself.  We filled out the obligatory packet of information (all 20 pages of it) and sent it back.  We had our medical records transferred and amped ourselves up for the appointment, for hope.  I made that initial appointment because I had decided that my behavior and the situation were no longer acceptable such as they were.

Over the following months I became a human pin cushion. I've had more blood drawn in the last 4 months than I've had drawn in the last 4 years. I've been poked, prodded and put through the ringer.  Ultrasounds, scans, x-rays, dye tests, you name it I've probably had it done.   Then there was my husband with semen analysis and blood work.   The worst part was next, the waiting.  I cannot tell you how anxious and nerve wracking the waiting is.   During this time so many things raced through our minds, from the worst case scenario to that hopeful excitement.

The results came back and it left us relieved and yet so frustrated. Unexplained infertility.  We had gone through all of that to be told it's unexplained infertility. There is no medical reason or explanation as to why we cannot and have not conceived, but it hasn't happened in 19 months. All of our numbers were fine.   The news was so relieving.  I cannot imagine being on the opposite side of things where there is something wrong with one or both of the people. Our fertility problems were already putting a strain on our marriage, never mind there being something wrong with one or the other or even both of us.

All of this was leading up to this past month. This month seemed to change things because it was the first time where I had hope again. Sure we found out that there was nothing medically wrong that would explain our infertility, but it didn't alleviate the fact that we were still infertile and would need help.

I've started watching my diet; cutting out processed carbs, gluten, sugar, dairy, etc. I will have small amounts of gluten here and there, but I avoid it where I can.  I have small amounts of sugars, but no candy or sweets.  I've been eating more fruits and veggies and just all around trying to be better. I've cut soda completely out of my diet, I drink iced tea or water instead.  Speaking of which, I've been drinking ridiculous amounts of water and trying to get in my vitamins daily. In doing so I've dropped almost 10 pounds in 2 weeks.

During this time I started my first round of fertility medications and treatments. After my baseline check with blood work and an ultrasound I was given the go ahead to take Clomid on days 5-9 of my cycle. I was on 50mg once a day during the 5 days.  I had my Ovidrel shot shipped to my house and refrigerated waiting for the go ahead.   On day 12 I went in for more blood work and another ultrasound and lo and behold the medication worked! I had 3 dominant follicles at 20mm, 1 at 15mm and another at 10mm, with another 20 that hadn't matured. (They look for follicles between 18-22mm in size before they give the "green light" for Ovidrel).

I got the call Tuesday at work giving me the "green light."  The wait for that phone call was nerve wracking with part excitement bubbling up inside me. I was cautioned that because there were 3 dominant follicles that I have around 10% chance of multiples if we do conceive this month.  We were given the option of putting it off a month and abstaining from further actions because of this chance, or going ahead with our plans.  We chose to go ahead with it and they have already scheduled our pregnancy test/blood work for April 23rd.

I got home Tuesday night and watched the instructional video for the Ovidrel 3 times to make sure that I understood what I was supposed to do. My husband watched it once as well just to be sure. The anticipation of it nearly had me throwing up.  I got everything ready, used the alcohol swab and prepared the medication.

The needle wasn't big at all!! It was such a small gauge that I barely noticed it going in. I mustered up the courage and did it myself, with my hands shaking and feeling a little light headed in the process.  Have I mentioned that I don't like needles? The medication stung, it was a dull achy sort of burn that lasted for a good 30 minutes or so and then it was just a dull ache at the injection site.

Of course we had to go along with things, this month was not IUI, but the good old fashioned baby dance and then the acrobatic routine of elevating and tilting my pelvis. I've heard various ridiculous forms of advice from anyone and everyone who thought they were being helpful. (ei. Use pillows, do a head stand, and numerous other crazy, specific positions, number of times, and mortifying bits of advice from one's mother or mother-in-law...) This time I just went with what the nurse suggested and left it at that.

Now on to how the medications were making me feel. Clomid already had me feeling a bit emotional at times. My boobs were feeling a bit sore and tender, the Ovidrel seemed to kick that right into over drive. My abdomen in achy and tender and when the Ovidrel really kicked in I was cramping pretty bad.  At one point it felt like I had been punched in the gut.  I'm not going to sugar coat it or lie about how I was feeling.  I wish someone had warned me about what I could be feeling from it all.

On my Wednesday commute to work I had an epic hot flash. It was in the low 30's F that morning and I was driving with the AC in my car on full blast, the windows rolled down and my coat off. I was a little queasy off and on, but that could have been nerves or anxiety. I felt aches and twinges in my abdomen, which progressively got worse as I already mentioned. It particularly worsened around the 24 hour mark after I took the injection and around the 36 hour mark, so I'm assuming I ovulated in that time frame.

We were given our instructions from the nurse and we've followed them.  I was cautioned by the nurse and forums that I've read online that I should not take an at home pregnancy test prior to April 23rd.  The Ovidrel will cause false positives on the at home tests.  So we shall see.  Everything that I've read about Ovidrel says that the side effects are all pregnancy like symptoms, which makes sense because the hormones in it trigger pregnancy.

I'm experiencing a myriad of emotions and thoughts through all of this.  If we have multiples, so be it, it'll be a one and done scenario and we will be that much more blessed.  If it is just one, then it one child that will be so cherished and loved. If it doesn't happen this  month, we have 3 more tries with the insurance covering it and after that 2 rounds of IVF.  I don't want to think about and discuss what would happen after that.  I'm so hopeful for this, but it's a cautious hopeful.  I don't want to shed anymore tears over something that I have no control over.

Easier said than done though.  This journey has been a difficult one. I've tried my best not to rage against the world and tell everyone off because how could they possibly know or understand?  How could someone who's never gone through this know what I'm feeling and going through?  The answer to that is that they don't.  Telling me to 'relax' and 'it'll happen' only served to make me more angry and upset, but I bottled it up because I knew that they were trying to be helpful. The good old "you could always adopt" was like a kick in the teeth because let's be honest, who the Hell has $30,000+ just kicking around in their bank account. The ignorance of people about fertility issues is astounding.  They don't mean to be rude or hurtful, but they are.

I've found that talking about it and being honest and open about it have helped me to recognize my feelings and emotions better. I've started reading a lot of blogs and forums and watching v-logs of women going through the same heartache and devastation.

I've recognized and come to understand that I have a right to feel what I feel and to express it.  Even if that means I have to walk away, get some air and come back.  I can be happy for others and grieve for my own infertility.  It's okay to do and feel that.  Just like it's okay for me to put aside my own issues and make a quilt for my cousin's unborn child.  Because bottom line, at the end of the day I'm going to love that child regardless of my own fertility issues.  That child will still be part of my family and I need to get over my own issues and not be so selfish as to ruin that excitement for others.

I'm working on being able to talk to and be around pregnant women, I work with 3 for crying out loud! With all of the twinges, tenderness, aches, hot flashes, and hormonal issues, I'm welcoming the experience.  I will take whatever comes my way and accept the outcome because now the situation is out of my hands.

I'm planning on blogging about this now because I think that I need to pay it forward.  If my story helps even one woman feel more okay, more like she's not alone then it will be worth it.

Now all I have to do is sit and wait. It's the beginning of my 2 week wait and the beginning of my infertility journey.  I'm trying not to let it consume my thoughts too much.  There's nothing that I can say or do to change things now at this point. So that is where I am at my friends.  I hope that those of you reading this and experiencing similar things can find some hope and comfort in this.  I know that I found comfort in realizing that I wasn't alone in this.

Live in the moment

As I begin to get older I begin realizing more than ever that life is what you make it.  More often than not I think many people take for granted the little things that make life so wonderful and enjoyable.  For me growing up was such an amazing experience.  Running free in the woods and fields, riding my bike everywhere, "exploring" the very same land that my father and his family that came before him grew up on. But gradually over time I began to out getting dirty and muddy less and less, and I stopped paying attention to a lot of the things that are taken for granted as a child.  I hadn't realized that I was doing it until I got to college and took the time to go outside more (being cooped up in a dorm room sucks!).  The changing of the seasons came slowly and gradually and as I began getting older I tried to pay more attention because when I wasn't, it was as if time was slipping through my hands.  

There is no fighting the inevitable, nor is there a way to stop the clock or slow it down, a terrifying thought for someone that once thought that they were invincible. There is only that steady pace of the hourglass spilling away what time we have here.  And I'm not going to lie, it terrifies me, the unknown and my mortality scare me, but I'm beginning to find peace in that thought.  Knowing that someday when I have lived out my time here to the fullest and have watched my children and theirs come into this world that I have done something worthwhile and lived a good life.  So I have begun to try to make the most of the blink of time that I have here in the world because you never know what tomorrow will bring or when it is done.  

A very wise person told me once that life is too short to worry about the little inconsequential things that often plague our minds.  Work is just work and a job is just a job, they come and go and yes are the means of our livelihoods, but they aren't so important that you worry yourself sick over them.  They aren't so important that you miss out on the important aspects of life, like a birthday or holiday or vacation.  Because at the end of the day, when all is said and done, none of that really matters.  Your life and what you do here is important, the people in our lives are important, the places we've seen and things we've done.  All of that is important.  My mom always told me to "leave work at work, when you clock out and come home you don't have to worry about work because you aren't on the clock anymore, so leave the job at the job and enjoy life."  Can't tell my mom ;) but this time she's right...again.

December 2007/January 2008, changed my life completely.  At the time I was having a difficult time transitioning back home from college and 6 months into my job.  I was unhappy, didn't know many people in the area anymore because most people I used to know moved away.  So I decided that I was going to try out one of those on-line dating sites, not necessarily with the expectations or hopes that I'd meet "the one" or "Mr. Right" but with the hope to talk to and connect with people in the area again.  Needless to say I'm now a year and a half into my relationship, the on-line site found a bunch of really nice people, but it also found my Mr. Right.  At the same time I signed up for the website I started going to the gym, no more sitting in the house watching TV, just because there was snow on the ground didn't mean it was an excuse to be lazy.  I also re-connected with some friends from high school and life as I knew it began changing.

I grew as a person in those few months and have much more since then.  I had the "life will happen" or "things will happen when they're meant to" mentality and it really wasn't working.  Life doesn't necessarily just happen, life is what you make it my friends!  If you're unhappy about something change it because you are the only one who can, no one can do it for you.  If you want something go after it!  Some people I know have this notion and expectation that they will meet the man/woman of their dreams randomly one day and it will be love at first sight, so they're waiting around for it to happen.  And maybe for some it does...eventually, but it's not going to happen if you don't at least get out of the house and make it happen.  Why would  you want to wait on the sidelines of life watching and waiting?  Wouldn't you rather be out there in the game?  Wouldn't you rather participate?

I've tried to participate more and be a part of things rather than sit back.  Yes, I'm still the observer at times.  I'm a people observer, they fascinate me with all their quirks and random actions, it's really quite entertaining try it some time.  But what I'm trying to say is don't let your life pass you by.  You don't want to one day finally come out of whatever state of mind you've been in to realize that life literally has passed you by.  We're only here for a blink of time in the grand scheme of things.  A small spark of light that is easily and quickly extinguished.  Our lives are a tiny flicker of light that is fragile and vulnerable. We aren't invincible, so don't go all crazy...but enjoy every minute and every second as if it were our last.  Make a memory every chance you get and cherish it.  

And that is the end of my random ramblings, it is way to early to be awake this early on a Saturday morning (my boyfriend is asleep snoring next to me while I'm wide awake typing)! Until next time... Live, Laugh, Love my friends!

Jen