The World Through My Eyes

Live in the moment

2009-08-29T07:19:00.003-04:00

As I begin to get older I begin realizing more than ever that life is what you make it. More often than not I think many people take for granted the little things that make life so wonderful and enjoyable. For me growing up was such an amazing experience. Running free in the woods and fields, riding my bike everywhere, "exploring" the very same land that my father and his family that came before him grew up on. But gradually over time I began to out getting dirty and muddy less and less, and I stopped paying attention to a lot of the things that are taken for granted as a child. I hadn't realized that I was doing it until I got to college and took the time to go outside more (being cooped up in a dorm room sucks!). The changing of the seasons came slowly and gradually and as I began getting older I tried to pay more attention because when I wasn't, it was as if time was slipping through my hands.

There is no fighting the inevitable, nor is there a way to stop the clock or slow it down, a terrifying thought for someone that once thought that they were invincible. There is only that steady pace of the hourglass spilling away what time we have here. And I'm not going to lie, it terrifies me, the unknown and my mortality scare me, but I'm beginning to find peace in that thought. Knowing that someday when I have lived out my time here to the fullest and have watched my children and theirs come into this world that I have done something worthwhile and lived a good life. So I have begun to try to make the most of the blink of time that I have here in the world because you never know what tomorrow will bring or when it is done.

A very wise person told me once that life is too short to worry about the little inconsequential things that often plague our minds. Work is just work and a job is just a job, they come and go and yes are the means of our livelihoods, but they aren't so important that you worry yourself sick over them. They aren't so important that you miss out on the important aspects of life, like a birthday or holiday or vacation. Because at the end of the day, when all is said and done, none of that really matters. Your life and what you do here is important, the people in our lives are important, the places we've seen and things we've done. All of that is important. My mom always told me to "leave work at work, when you clock out and come home you don't have to worry about work because you aren't on the clock anymore, so leave the job at the job and enjoy life." Can't tell my mom ;) but this time she's right...again.

December 2007/January 2008, changed my life completely. At the time I was having a difficult time transitioning back home from college and 6 months into my job. I was unhappy, didn't know many people in the area anymore because most people I used to know moved away. So I decided that I was going to try out one of those on-line dating sites, not necessarily with the expectations or hopes that I'd meet "the one" or "Mr. Right" but with the hope to talk to and connect with people in the area again. Needless to say I'm now a year and a half into my relationship, the on-line site found a bunch of really nice people, but it also found my Mr. Right. At the same time I signed up for the website I started going to the gym, no more sitting in the house watching TV, just because there was snow on the ground didn't mean it was an excuse to be lazy. I also re-connected with some friends from high school and life as I knew it began changing.

I grew as a person in those few months and have much more since then. I had the "life will happen" or "things will happen when they're meant to" mentality and it really wasn't working. Life doesn't necessarily just happen, life is what you make it my friends! If you're unhappy about something change it because you are the only one who can, no one can do it for you. If you want something go after it! Some people I know have this notion and expectation that they will meet the man/woman of their dreams randomly one day and it will be love at first sight, so they're waiting around for it to happen. And maybe for some it does...eventually, but it's not going to happen if you don't at least get out of the house and make it happen. Why would you want to wait on the sidelines of life watching and waiting? Wouldn't you rather be out there in the game? Wouldn't you rather participate?

I've tried to participate more and be a part of things rather than sit back. Yes, I'm still the observer at times. I'm a people observer, they fascinate me with all their quirks and random actions, it's really quite entertaining try it some time. But what I'm trying to say is don't let your life pass you by. You don't want to one day finally come out of whatever state of mind you've been in to realize that life literally has passed you by. We're only here for a blink of time in the grand scheme of things. A small spark of light that is easily and quickly extinguished. Our lives are a tiny flicker of light that is fragile and vulnerable. We aren't invincible, so don't go all crazy...but enjoy every minute and every second as if it were our last. Make a memory every chance you get and cherish it.

And that is the end of my random ramblings, it is way to early to be awake this early on a Saturday morning (my boyfriend is asleep snoring next to me while I'm wide awake typing)! Until next time... Live, Laugh, Love my friends!

Jen

2009-08-21T15:14:00.002-04:00

There are a few issues or topics that have caused heated discussions between myself and others. I'm not quite sure who is right or who is wrong because each of these topics has shades of gray that make it difficult to say what is the right answer.

My first topic is illegal immigrants and people in the US right now on work Visas when our economy is in shambles and American workers are being laid off. I have a hard time stomaching the fact that there are so many illegal immigrants here mooching off the system and my tax dollars (especially in MA) pay for their housing, cars, cell phones, food stamps, and other bills, including schooling. While at the same time US born and raised citizens are struggling to pay their own bills and taxes, nevermind having to pay for people who technically, don't exist. They have no paper trail here in many aspects. Yes understand that the citizenship process is ridiculous, but illegal is illegal in my mind. I'm working my ass off struggling to pay of student loans from college barely getting by and yet people come to this country with their hands out expecting a free ride and I say screw that! Yes many of them come from conditions which we couldn't even imagine, however there is a legal way of being here. I do believe that the process to becoming a citizen should be made a bit more attainable so that they can get citizenship and start paying taxes and live their own way. My other issue personally with a place I worked for was that they would bring people from all over the world to work here, buy their work visas, pay for their housing and their rental cars (which they switched and got new ones every 3 weeks) and at one point gave them a weekly "allowance" to buy groceries etc...plus they got a pay check...then they would bring their families pop out a few kids and bam, can't send them home now....get me very angry if you can't tell. Because not only were they making more than me in general but basically all of their bills were taken care of at the expense of the company...American workers and citizens got laid off and yet all and I mean every single one of the people brought here are still working there with their housing and cars and pay checks taken care of...where's the fairness in that?

Another topic which is a very gray area for me is the topic of abortion. As a woman I believe that it is my body, my choice, but do I think that I could ever do this? I don't know. Growing up my family instilled very Christian values and beliefs in me so like I said it is a gray area. I don't think that it should be used soley as a means of birth control, if you're dumb enough to get pregnant then you really should deal with the consequences. Call me harsh or whatever but my mother could have just as easily chose not to have me as an 18 year old high school senior. Adoption is always an option, yes I know that there are already so many children out there without homes, but does that justify killing? I think that in the instances of rape or terminal or severe complications are certainly reasons for having an abortion and no one should judge any woman struggling with such a tormenting decision. It is an agonizing thing to contemplate. Do you have the baby knowing that it really isn't fair to bring the child into the world, when you aren't ready and can't provide for the child? Do you go through the 9 months of carrying the child and then give birth and give the child up for adoption? Do you have the abortion and live with that for the rest of your life? How can anyone tell a woman what to do in such a situation? It is a deep and painful moral and ethical decision that a woman must choose, and yes she should consult family, friends, doctors, her partner or spouse, but it all boils down to it being her final decision. I had a pregnancy scare last year and it terrified me, but for me there really wasn't a choice, had I been pregnany I would have had the baby.

Another serious issue I have, espcially in the current state of the economy is the fact that our civil sevice workers, the police officers, firemen, emt's, etc are having their pay and numbers cut back to accomodate the budget (MA). How is that a logical thing to do? These men and women are first in line when things go wrong and they put their lives on the line for civilians day in and day out and the governor of MA justifies cutting back? I honestly believe the man needs his head checked and to start packing his bags because there's no way in Hell that the man will be re-elected because honestly what the Hell has the idiot done for the state? (getting a bit heated but I'll be voting for anyone besides that man) The men and women who serve as police, firemen, emts, etc. I thank you, for your dedication, your hard work and the sacrafices that you make everyday!

I also want to thank the men and women serving our country in the armed services for their sacrafice and dedication to make the world a little bit safer everyday! Because regardless of how we, the civilians, may feel about a political issue or topic it is our duty to support our troops and pray for their safe return. Regardless of how much we may or may not agree with what they're doing, it doesn't really matter...what matters is that they are dedicated to a cause and believe in what they're doing, therefore they not only deserve our support but they have earned by time and again answering the call of duty, leaving behind their family friends and homes and going to distant lands to defend freedom.

And I believe that I am done rambling now. I have vented and I feel better. Even though you may or may not agree with my point of view at least try to stop and think and try to look at things from all angles and sides before forming an opinion.

Jen

It's been a while and life is pretty good

2009-08-20T21:56:00.002-04:00

It's been a while since I've even thought to write here and in that time a lot has happened in my life. Life altering events and historical moments that will be remembered by many...I have grown as a person in the time that has elaspsed since my last posting. I've had to with the current state of things in life. With the economy and job market in it's current situation it's been a rough go of things for a while. Hours and people being cut back at work I am truly blessed and lucky to still have a job in my field. The day in and day out routine of my life hasn't really changed much. I mean I recently spread my wings a bit and moved out with my boyfriend, but life in general is as it has ever been. Between going to work and then trying to spend as much time as possible with family and friends in my free time, I'm living a life full of love and laughter and that in my mind, makes me richer than anyone I know (despite my struggle to pay the bills...).

I'm finally learning to take care of me...not leaning so much on my parents for everything, though they still help me with some things. Balancing a check book should be an easy enough concept however I never really remember to write everything down when I spend the money so hence the finance issues at times. Buying groceries and all the other domestic things are a bit well mundane but I don't know how that's true when shopping with my guy (he's always trying to make me laugh, a gift for which I can't be greatful enough in life). Doing laundry and other chores is still just as boring and crappy as I remember it growing up, but now I realize just how much mom used to do around the house on her own and I'm finally understanding and appreciating the fact that the woman could not only run and take care of the houseshold, but still work a full time job.

Life just is, and that is all I really want. To go on and keep moving forward bit by bit and hopefully in the end I'll have accomplished something or have something to leave behind that is remembered or worthwhile. I've tried having a more positive outlook on life because it really is just too short. You truly will never know how or when or why it ends, but that's the reality of it. Someday it does end, so you may as well make the most of our brief and enriched spark of life in the universe.

Have you ever watched a movie or read a book or just had a life experience that completely snaps you out of your own little bubble and makes you really think? I was watching a classic last year and that, I believe, was what helped me snap out of whatever post-college funk I had fallen into. (the adjustment to living back home with my family was harder than I had ever imagined). I was flipping through the channels one dreary winter day and came upon "The Barefoot Contessa" now one of my roommates in college was a film major so I figured that I would give it a try and I loved it, though it was sad. The motto, which I've kind of tried to use in my own life "che sara sara" roughly meaning "whatever will be, will be" has been something I try to remind myself of. Life is far too short to stress over the inconsequential things. So I try not to worry and stress quite so much. Things in life are going to happen for no rhyme or reason that we discern, so it's how we handle these situations and little curve balls that God, destiny, the fates or whichever you deem the controlling factor in life, decides to throw your way. Why worry so much about tomorrow when you can live today?

And now I will leave you with something a bit dark and pessamistic, however when these things come to mind I have to write them down or I can't focus on anything else.

falling shadows fill the air

day turns to dusk and night begins

silent voices scream in the night

and the world moves on without a care

madness and chaos take over the soul

purity and innocence all but die

rending the helpless incapable to fight

a taint and poison leeches in

a boiling rage simmers beneath the surface

waiting to unleash its fury on all

the frothing and foaming mouth drips

noxious fumes permeate the air

gnashing the teeth and crunching the bones

spitting on the ashes of a life no more

claws raking through the flesh of an empty shell

the soul has fled the pain and hate

calling out into the moonless sky

a harrowing bone-chilling sound

nowhere to run and nowhere to hide

too late it is done...

jmc 8/4/09

Letting It Go

2007-04-17T20:26:00.000-04:00

I'm letting it all go now
I've got nothing left to lose
I'm walking away from the pain
Nursing the bleeding wound

I've walked the line in darkness
Losing sight of what is real
I've heard the whispers in the wind
And forgotten how to feel

I'm letting go of happiness
It was all just a dream
I'm walking away from the past
Turning away from what it seems

I've seen the Hell of reality
And tasted its bitter ash
I've gleamed the truth behind the lies
Bandaging the bleeding gash

I'm letting go of myself
And embracing the madness
I'm walking away from who I was
And falling to sadness

All that once held light to me
Falls dull and dim
What once was will never be again
It was swept away with him

I'm letting go of you
Because if I don't I'll lose
Everything that I am
And I just can't anymore

What the Hell is the world coming to?

2006-11-01T13:47:00.000-05:00

Have you ever felt a bit overwhelmed? So completely surrounded and saturated in what's going on the world around you that you find it hard to breathe? I'm laying here in my dorm room thinking about duty and what's expected and how it all seems so pointless. I just want to be happy but I am finding with the more time that passes that it's harder to actually be happy in life. I never wanted this life for myself or my family, I would have wanted something else, something more...despite how selfish that sounds. I am constantly reminded of what I am supposed to be doing and all of the gratitude I owe those who "helped" me get to where I am today. And yet I find everything lacking in major proportions. This life is one of hardships and work.

I'm really sick of the way that things are turning out. For one I think that the war has been a bit dragged out and used to serve the purposes of those in power. I completely support the troops and believe that something should have been done to implament change, but I'm not sure that the right solution was found. I just wish that people didn't have to die and sacrafice their lives over something that has been controversial and vague since day one, but I suppose that is the way that war is.

I'm sick of not wanting to watch TV, or read the news because of all the negativity and bad things that are spotlighted. True I'd rather know about things than be completely kept blind to what is happening, but it's overwhelming seeing only the bad, it's almost as if there isn't much good left in the world. I know that isn't true, but it's how it feels watching all the rapists, murderers, child molesters, kidnappers, etc. getting away with it. It makes me sick knowing that I've grown up in such a place and such a time where not many people feel safe anymore.

What the Hell is the world coming to?

Beginning

2006-08-28T10:01:00.000-04:00

So this is the beginning of another year. I start classes today and I'm not too sure how I feel about that. I'm not sure what I want to do when this year is done, and I'm tired of people telling me that I wasted fours years and thousands of dollars at school, when in reality, it's not wasted. I've gained something that no one can take away from me, knowledge. Had I been able to take time to think about what it is that I wanted with my life earlier on, maybe I wouldn't be in the situation that I'm in right now. Who's to say?
I start class in about two hours and I don't think that I'm ready to go. I'm not ready to move on and begin living like things are "normal" again. I have the lump in my throat that won't go away no matter what I say or do. I have this empty void that at times feels like it's drowning me. I just want to be happy, but who knows when that will ever happen at this point. My entire life is hanging by a thread right now. The shambles that are left after this summer are crumbling slowly and steadily.
Will it ever get better? Will the pain ever go away? I hope so and soon because I don't want to hurt anymore and I don't want this morose outlook on life to affect those around me.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So randomly one of my friends calls me and tells me she's got a problem. And all I kept thinking is that I can barely deal with my own right now, but I let her vent. Apparently she likes someone...big surprise there miss drama queen ;) ! The only problem is that he's her cousin's best friend...and the plot thickens. She doesn't know if she should tell him or just let things be and go with the flow. I keep telling her to let things work out on their own at least for the time being. He seems like he likes her as well from what she's told me, but that's only her side of the situation and I can't go ask him...that would be weird 'cause he doesn't know me all that well, so yeah can you say awkward.
My question to everyone who actually reads this, is does she actually go for it knowing that it might upset her cousin, or does she just act like nothing's going on, when it seems like there is? I don't know what to tell her because she usually makes a big deal out of nothing and reads into things a bit much, but I don't know what to say to her, it's hard.
If you have any input let me know.

Moving On Is The Hardest Thing To DO

2006-08-26T00:12:00.000-04:00

So getting back to life is harder than I thought that it would be. Moving on from what once was towards what will be the new reality of my life is painfully difficult. I'm improving as best as can be expected and am trying to get by. The others around me are making due with what life's thrown at them as well. It still hurts to think about him and everything that we'd done together in the past and everything that we'll never get to do, but I know that there's no changing it and that even though he's not here physically, that he's still here with us. I'm starting to grudgingly accept the fact that he's gone and that he won't be back. Sometimes I half expect him to walk in the door with his amazing smile and awesome laugh floating in with him. He was such a bright and warm person, its hard to ignore the void that is left by his absence in our lives. He will always be a part of our lives, even if its only through memories, I know that his influence on us will last a lifetime. We'll always feel that loss, we'll always remember the good and the bad, we'll always wonder, we'll always hurt even if the pain fades with time. He was such a good person that his presence, personality, guidance, influence and a lot of other words I can't think of right now, will always remain a part of us as long as we allow them to and accept them.
I love you Adam, I always have and always will. You are such an amazing person. You could make a room light up with your smile and energy. Thank you for everything that you brought to my life, the joy, happiness, and fun. You made life worthwhile and didn't take it for granted. Thank you for making me a better person for having known you. I will always remember you and always miss you.

2006-08-23T22:56:00.000-04:00

The reality of this summer is setting in and weighing down heavily on me. Its a sinking weight that's cruching whatever dreams and innocence that I had left in life. There's nothing that can ever make this right. It's two weeks tonight that the world lost one of it's most amazing people. Two weeks ago tonight that the world around me chattered.
My perfect little world began crumbling in May when I got home from school, from there things went down hill. June brought my father's health issues, and roommate emergencies. Then July brought his surgery and Chance's loss. August brought the aftermath of all of the previously mentioned issues and the loss of someone who can never be replaced and never will be forgotten.
I'm trying to rationalize what has happened since I've been home, but I can't. None of this crap makes sense, it certainly doesn't seem right or fair to me, but I don't get a say I guess. I can't even begin to describe what this has been like for any of us. It hurts to go day to day, knowing that our lives will never be the same. It hurts to know that he won't be right there with us to enjoy all of the things that we once took for granted. It hurts to know that dad may or may not be able to get back what he lost, not once but twice now.

The sanctity of life is lost amidst the ruins of it all,
The rebels rage their senseless battle through the night,
A lone star shines through the ash and smoke,
A false hope to the survivors of death and destruction,
Crosswinds blow the dust away from the mess,
Leaving the bare bones of society exposed to the elements,
A lone cry is heard out in the night,
A mournful goodbye called out,
The beginning of the end has begun and there's no excape,
Lost souls converge upon the light,
Fleeing the darkness of despair,
A last resort to find the way towards life,
Bitter endings sour the air,
As the warriors reap their victory upon their slaves,
Pilaging the masses as they go,
Taking with them the life and innocence,
The final hour draws near,
No place to go,
No place to hide,
The final show down into the unknown,
It is the beginning of the end.

Jmc 8/23/06

Really Freaking Out Here...

2006-08-21T21:22:00.000-04:00

I just don’t get it. Maybe I missed the frickin’ memo that said it’s ok for all this shit to get dumped on us this summer…all that I know is that I’m barely keeping it all together right now. I’m so close to breaking down and giving in that it’s scary. I just have this empty void that feels like its consuming me and yet at the same time I ache so much inside that its suffocating. I hurt for everyone around me right now and I don’t know what to do or say to help. I know that I can never make it right for them, but I can’t stand to see them like this. I’m tired of seeing my mom break down crying every night. I’m tired of worrying if we’ll be ok the next day or how bad things are going to be.
I hope for everyone’s sake that we pull through, but the ghosts of the past will always be there. The memories will remain, and the what ifs will always weigh us down. All of the things that we wished that we had said and done will always be there in the back of our minds and only time will tell if we can heal.
Everywhere we go and everything we do will always be a reminder. I don’t know how else to vent or who else to vent to. I feel so damn guilty writing it all down but if I don’t get it out then I’m going to lose what little of my sanity that I have left. I can’t cry in front of the others, it doesn’t feel right because they were closer but it doesn’t ease my pain, or lessen the hurt.
As I’m typing this the tears are starting to fall and I’m finally letting it out. It can’t be real and shouldn’t be real. This is just one long bad dream that I want to wake up from. Someone tell me what to do. I feel like I’m drowning and have no place to turn to.
How can all of this have happened this summer? First dad’s arm…leaving him out of work. Then Chance’s brother and all of that mess. Worrying about the roomie, who if anything happened to, I’d lose it…don’t give up on me, I need you! Then Adam; it all just doesn’t seem right. I just hurt and don’t know what to do.
I've never felt this lost or empty before in my life. I feel guilty for grieving knowing that there were others closer to him, but it still hurts and I still miss him. He was like another kid in the house. Ugh this is so frickin' hard, I'm trying to keep it together because I have school in 5 days, but what the Hell. How much more do I have to deal with before catching a break?
I just wish that I could go back to when things were simple and none of this shit happened to people that I knew, nevermind people I'm directly in contact with. What a summer; dad's surgery and out of work, a suicide, a very upset roomie..., and losing someone like that.
I feel so alone right now and that's the worst of it. I can't cry in front of them, they're barely holding up, mom's on the verge of a breakdown, my "friends" aren't around...I mean WTF, I try to be there for them, but the one time that I need them they aren't there or they're busy...
I know many people will think that I'm just feeling sorry for myself; maybe I am, maybe I'm not. I know that others have had a summer close to or worse than mine. This isn't all about me, I know that, I just feel overwhelmed and not sure how to deal with all of it. I wish there was a way to make the pain stop...it hurts to frickin' bad and I'm so angry!!!!!!!!How is any of this right or fair? How is any of this ok? How can all of this happen in less than a month? I can't take much more at this point. I'm trying to bottle it up and deal, but I don't know if I can. Someone tell me what to do...

HOW?!?!....

2006-08-12T06:55:00.000-04:00

How is it that someone who's got everything in their life on track and has never done anything wrong dies now? How is it fair or right that he'd gone when so many low lifes are out there leeching off of society? I'm trying to rationalize everything, but I can and now I'm just getting angry. He deserved a better deal than that.
It hurts so bad to see my brother and his friends walking around like zombies, not really sure what to do. It hurts so bad to see my mother in tears because he was like another son in the house. It hurts so bad to remember everything that we'd done together when he was here. IT hurts to think about all that he'll never be able to do now...
I have a wedding to go to today, but how can I put aside my grief and pretend to be happy for people who are material people and fakes?
The numbness is setting in and the void I'm feeling is growing. I feel like I'm drowning right now, everything is just too much to deal with. This has been the summer from Hell and I just can't get away from it.

2006-03-25T19:45:00.000-05:00

The more that I sit back and observe the world around me, the more I see things falling apart at the seams. Everything is being stretched to the limit and worn down to bare threads. It's depressing because pretty soon something's going to give and I have a feeling the it won't be too pretty.
I can't seem to let go of this eminent feeling of dread that's been building up for a while, call me cynical, pessimistic, fatalistic, whatever, but shit's going to hit the fan andI'm not sure taht I want to be there for it. Not everything is black and white and not everything is perfect. Most of the time what you read in fairy tales and other such fiction isn't even close to reality and it only makes reality that much more bitter.
I can't even watch the news on TV anymore because there is never anything good news or happy news. There is so much death, destruction, and corruption that I can't help but thinking what's the point in even watching? Especially since it's the same news over and over again, just different people, a different time and place.
Although I'm tired of the way that things are, there are some things that are worthwhile out there, it's just a matter of finding them and holding onto them. The simple pleasures in life are what make it all worth enduring. The little things that make you smile or laugh. Laughter is one of the things that the world needs more of.
It's truly amazing what hearing a contagious laugh can do to a room full or serious people. Laughter can change the mood of a situation almost immediately and completely. For instance, one of my best firends has a weird sense of humor but it grows on you, but what really gets you is his laugh. Its a chuckle, which is the only things that comes to mind when describing it. A deep bell chuckle that is so hard to resist that you often find yourself joining right in even if you don't know what you're laughing about.
Another one of my friends has this contagious little tinkling giggle. It's so light and care-free that you just join right in an let it all go. Some would findthe whole giggle thing annoying but its hard to resist.
Sometimes I just wish there was more to laugh at, things are getting a bit serious now and I know that it's all a part of life and growing up, but they say that laughter is the best medicine.

2006-02-21T19:02:00.000-05:00

Well it's been a while since I've written anything and I figured that I probably should vent somewhere instead of bottling up all of my thoughts and emotions. To be quite frank I'm tired! I'm tired of the daily routine that never really deviates from the norm of what is expected or what is "right". I'm tired of living like everyone else does, day in and day out following the rules and doing what society deems appropriate, the Hell with that! In my opinion things need to change drastically. The way things are going now is going to lead to more problems than anyone knows how to deal with.
I'm really not sure that writing all of this down or saying all of this out loud will make any differnce but whatever works!
So here are some of the things that are pissing me off lately (and there's a lot):
1.) People telling me what to do and how to live my life
2.) People judging other without really getting to know them
3.) People leading others on and then disappearing from their lives only to reappear suddenly with someone else...
4.) The way that the government conveniently ignores or disregards the environmental problems facing the world
5.) The way that society deems that girls have to be rail thin to be attractive
6.) The way that society puts people down because they don't fit into a particular category or norm
7.) The way that no matter what you say no one seems to be listening and if they are they only hear what they want to
8.) The way that no matter how hard you try sometimes it's not quite enough
9.) How everytime a person goes who's had a past get's called out against or called upon they're automatically under the scrutiny and suspicion of everyone else
10.) That the inocent until proven guilty saying is less and less important
11.) That the justice system isn't as just as it should be
12.) That when a girl or young woman does the same things as a guy does... she's labeled a whore
13.) The double standard in life in general of genders...fuck that I've had it!
14.) How even though a girl is just as qualified in the field of technology or other male dominated careers she doesn't get the respect or credit that she deserves
15.) That when a girl does get into one of these fields everyone is waiting for her to screw up
16.) That no matter how hard you work to prove yourself it never seems good enough
17.) That even though we're "equal" other are given more privileges and rights
18.) How prejudices still plague our society but the government really doesn't recognize the problem
19.) How our country is so involved in the world's problems that it often overlooks the problems right here at home
20.) How when it comes to problems here the government is took stupid to accept the aid offered or there isn't any aid offered

Yeah I think you get the point the list could go on, but it felt really good to vent a little bit.

So now that the bitching is done I think that I should pay attention now...I'm in CAD class.

finding a lost part of me

2005-11-15T21:31:00.000-05:00

I've walked the lonely road towards an unknown end, losing pieces of myself along the way. I never knew what I was working towards or what I was working for, I only knew that it was something that I had to do because that was what was expected of me. I've done what has been expected of me for so long and I've gone along that path willingly for the most part, but the more time that goes by I find myself questioning the path that I have chose, or that has been chosen for me.
I've reached yet another fork in the road of my life. To my left is the path that has been mapped out for me, neatly and precisely. To my right is a swirling mist leading to an end that no one knows. Do I follow what I've been working for and towards all along, or do I bear right, taking that path that is unclear and free to me? Can I truly break from the mold that has been made for me and my life? Do I really have a choice in this or is it another illusion that has been presented to make it seem like I really have a choice?
I'm at a point in my life where I find myself asking why more and more often than not. I wish that I could go back to that childlike innocence and simplicity in life. Even at my age I find it so hard to handle everything that is happening in the world around me and I find that I'm not quite certain that I am ready to join that part of the "real world" quite yet.
I'm expected to be an adult and to take part in everything that is occurring in the world, but what if I don't agree with a lot of what's happening? What if I don't believe in a lot of what's expected and supposedly right? What options are there for me to live my life the way that I want to if I can't even be myself?
SO much has happened to me so quickly since I was younger. I find it hard to digest it all, yet I'm supposed to continually keep up with everything else that is happening. It's suffocating me slowly and painfully. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know who I want to be, or what I even want anymore for that matter. All that I know is that I don't like where I am right now and where I'm headed.
I want so much more from this life, and I keep getting caught up at dead ends and rules and regulations that are supposed to dictate my life for me. These pointless stipulations make life easy for some and Hell for others. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth thinking about politics and the way that the world is turning out. It is slowly decaying with time and eroding away with the weather because of our own destruction. It pains me to think that I've been a part of the killing of our world.
As the years pass for me, the world and life loses more of its wonder and magic. The rose colored shades of my youth have been lifted and I see things more clearly now, which is most of my problem I suppose. I know that life isn't supposed to be easy, the challenge is half of the adventure of it, but is it really necessary for it to be this hard?
I'm so tired of school and doing what is supposedly the right thing. I'm burnt out from high school and I haven't quite recovered three years later. And yet here I am in college struggling to get by and do the right thing, but is it really the right thing for me? I've been thinking that it's not, yet I'm still here plugging along to keep everyone off my back. This isn't what I want, but maybe if I do this for them they'll lay off and give me some breathing room. All I ever wanted was to be happy in life, but I'm finding that the harder that I look for it, the farther I am from it.
I can't wait for Christmas break, maybe I'll get to catch up on some sleep and relax, then again maybe not. Who knows...

No Offense

2005-11-01T16:33:00.000-05:00

I have deleted some of the comments posted to some of my entries...I apologize if they were sincere in their comment, but I have been getting random things linked to this site, cause problems with my computer...I meant no offense although if you were one of the site links that really don't pertain to anything to do with what I have to say...don't link with it!

Weekend with the roomies...

2005-10-31T16:33:00.000-05:00

Well thus far this year it has been a rare thing for my two roommates and I to all be here on a weekend. This weekend, however, we were all here and let's just say that it was insane! Friday night we had a Halloween costume party...on campus...with alcohol! We ran out of alcohol after the first two hours and my roommate and I went to get more...after I was a bit on the tipsy side. It was great, I was a skanky pirate, one roomie was a hippie, the other was Red Fraggle, we had a Greaser, a 40's/50's girl, a stewardess, a cowgirl, Marty McFly, and I think that's it...too much drinking involved to remember more. All and all the party was great.
Saturday, we woke up, most with hangovers and greeted the day. My roomie went with me to get my fourth ... anyways yeah then we all went to see Elizabethtown, which YOU MUST GO SEE!!! It was such a great movie, I laughed, I cried, and I loved it! So that brings us to Sunday, a day of doing NOTHING at all. Now today is Monday and I'm scrambling to finish things...this is just a premature case of senioritis I think. Oh what a weekend...

Just Needed to Vent a Little

2005-10-13T19:45:00.000-04:00

I've always tried to do my best. School is my thing as sad as that sounds. I've always done well in it. I'm not trying to sound conceited, it's just the facts.
I had a geography exam tonight that may just very well kill my grade! It was awful! My professor didn't go over anything. He wasn't here Tuesday to go over the materials, and we had a quiz. Then we had a worksheet and an exam today! No study guide, no hints as to what to study. Our first exam, and I really don't think that I did all that well on it. This class is a fucking Gen. Ed. and its harder than my 200/300 level classes! what the Hell is wrong with this place?

Seeing It All...

2005-09-25T00:49:00.000-04:00

Friday I had the time of my life in New York City with my roommates Katie and Lindsey. We went with the Art Department here at school and went to see the Metropolitan Museum of Art. It was an amazing experience to be in the same room as painting by Van Gogh, Cezanne, Monet, and so many more. The beauty in their work was truly outstanding. We spent about two hours walking through the museum and ended up leaving, having only seen a small fraction of the exhibits.
Stepping out onto the streets of New York was almost overwhelming. I felt so small and insignificant compared to the massive buildings that surrounded me on all sides. The whole atmosphere of the city was busy and alive. We strolled through Central Park, which is like another world in itself right in the middle of the city. When you're in there you can hardly realize that you're in the middle of one of the largest cities in the world, and yet looking up into the skyline, the evidence is right there for you to see. The buildings are a backdrop for the green, sprawling park. We visited one of the ponds in the park where we found a statue of Alice in Wonderland and another of Hans Christian Andersen's Ugly Duckling. After resting and just enjoying the sites, we set out for our ultimate destinations, Rockefeller Center and Times Square.
Along the way we stopped taking pitchers of anything and everything, the locals could definitely tell we were tourists because they'd walk by and smile or smirk with that indulgent knowing look on their faces. We visited FAO Swartz and checked out the subway, but decided that it would be better to explore that later. So we continued on to Rockefeller Center, which was about thirty blocks from where we started, and that in itself was one Hell of a hike, but at the time, you don't really feel it.
We made it to Rockefeller Center and took pictures at Radio City Music Hall before continuing our steady pace to Times Square. We saw Broadway and Times Square and again I was reminded of just how small I am compared to all of the buildings there. The is the heart of the city. It has the most bustle and life out of anywhere that I've seen. We stood right in the middle of it all on the sidewalk that is in the middle of the street that you see on MTV and other shows. It was almost surreal. We spent hours just walking around and taking pictures.
Throughout our travels I saw so many different buildings and styles of buildings. The shear beauty of it overwhelmed me. Architecture is my thing and to see all of the work there is just astounding. I can't begin to describe what it was like for me to see it all. With that said however, seeing so many buildings falling down, condemned, or in ruin hurt a lot more than I thought that it ever would. I makes me seriously question my major for school. I hate seeing buildings fall into disuse and disrepair. It also reminds me of my mortality and the inevitable end that I will eventually meet. I've been so focused on school and getting it over with that I haven't really sat back and thought about if this is what I really what with the rest of my life. I don't want to work my life away on something that people are just going to let fall apart and be destroyed. It makes it all seem so pointless.
So after going on such a great trip and having so much fun, I am left feeling emotionally drained. I am sore from all of the walking that we did, but I am also weary from the poverty and the crumbling buildings that were obviously at one point in time magnificent buildings. So do I continue on this path that was laid before me or do I choose another one?

Deep Thoughts

2005-09-16T20:10:00.000-04:00

So I find myself sitting here out on the porch of this falling down building that was once a home and I find myself lost. Lost in the cool night air. Questions swirling in my mind like the wispy clouds in the star-lit sky.
At this point in my life I realize my youth, yet recognize my age. I want so much for myself and my family. However, I can't seem to find the right path to choose. The chaos screaming loudly in my mind consumes all thought and purpose that I have at this point in my life.
Yet the silent night, calm for a weekend, soothes like nothing else. I'm seeking the answers in the stars like most otfen do, but when will I hear them?
Night after night I search for the impossible hoping for some miracle to set me free, but I digress. I know that it is just wishful thinking on my part.
Dreams don't come true, I lost hope of that a long time ago.
Sitting here surroudned by rotting past dreams I wait. There's no knight and shining armor coming to my rescue, no prince charming to sweep me off my feet. My soul is that of a lady from a forgotten time, surrounded by the material, superficial facets of this world. No chivalry or gallantry for me. Just the aching longing that grows with the passage of time.
I am alone.
There is no one in this world to save me from this prison. I am trapped, forced to bear witness to the slow decay of life anf innocence. The good in this world slowly rots with no eminant cure.
I alone stand here at the brink in this madness of tormented souls and indulgence of sin. "A life without love is no life at all," is what they say. To a certain point I believe them, but only to a certain point.
Once life has lost that sparkle, the magic it really isn't worth living. What point is there to drift in the gray ash of a life that once was?
Am I ever going to find what I need in this life? I often take for granted all of the things in this life that are still here, real and thriving. They may not hold all of the beauty and ideals that my soul craves like nourishment but they are here.
I can feel this world slowly dying around me, slipping farther with every breath that I take. With each passing season the vividness of the world fades, the vibrant colors are a shade duller, and nothing that once held some significanceeven exists anymore. I watch as each day the world that once was, slips away a little more.
And yet my ramblings written here are never heard, as they never are any night. Each day my heart breaks a little more.
I don't see how any of this is going to make a difference in the big picture of things, but at least I will resteasier having finally said it, if only here in this page where only I will likely read it. My thoughts are my own, my salvation in the madness, the only thing that is truly mine.
Here I confide my thoughts, my mind's deepest secrets, my very heart and soul. Here and here alone am I able to quench my thirst, if only for that brief moment when I let down my guard and give way to hopeless dreams and wishes.
Nothing I seem to do can end this constant agonywhich plagues my soul. I fight against the mainstream only to fall short of the expectations set upon me. I want to make it right, but I just want to be myself. I can't do that here and now, in this world of hatred and greed.
I want the simplicity, integrity, honesty, and purity of the ages lost to fate and destiny. I have an ancient soul trapped in the body of youth, screaming for sanctuary from the pain, but no safe-haven exists for this spirit.
To watch life but not participate is my living Hell. I see the world around me and yet am unable to fit in enough to live in it. I skirt around the edges of "civilization," watching the peons keep coming back for more and the emperors brush them aside without a second glance. There is no Paradise for me, no peace to be had here. I am alone.
For fleeting moments I catch glimpses of the life that I yearn for, but they go as quickly as they appear. As much as I hate to hope for something hopeless I know that it must be out there, somewhere, in the vastness of this world.
Will I ever find that dream? Will I ever find the happiness I need to survive? I;m slowly dying here, decaying with the passage of time, much like the world around me.
Shooting stars and fairy dust have lost thier magic and are like any other gems pulled from the bowles of this land. Heavenly landscapes and wonderous wildlife are disappearing in the evergrowing shadows.
What once was is now lost. There are none now to fight it, to stand against the inevitable turn of the tide. We are at the brink of extinction and yet most go on blissfully ignorant to the consequnces, no warnings will be givcven, no mercy shall we recieve, in short all Hell will break lose and it will be the beginning of the end.
Who are we to deal judgement? We play judge, jury and executioner as if it were our job! There is no justice here, no redemption, and no peace. All is rotted to the core of its very existence.
So here I sit a lonley old soul, lost amidst the chaos and death, searching for the way. Looking about I see nothing but darkness as the stars are veiled in the midnight sky. Will the light shine again or am I lost here in the dark for all time? Is there a way out from this prison of mailce and gore? Shadowed beings gorge themselves on the innocence, taking it cruely before its their time and there is nothing that I can do, not alone.
Who will stand with me in the dark? There is no one here, not a sould I can recognize. I am alone.

~I wrote this passage 4/8/05 while sitting on the porch of the house I was living in on campus...take it as you will...it is some of me deepest thoughts and feelings on what is happening in the world around me. Jen

Homecoming...

2005-08-27T21:57:00.000-04:00

Well, this is it... It's the night before heading back to Keene for another year of broadening my mind. In any case this summer has flown by so fast that my head is spinning. I worked 12 hour days and 60 hour weeks on my feet, hoping to save enough money...But the outcome is yet to be seen. It's hard to think about the reality of what tomorrow means for me. It means the beginning of my junior year, putting me another year closer to facing the real world.
Eventhough I've been home for almost 4 months I haven't spent much time with my family, nor have I seen much of my family on a day to day basis. As I get a little older I realize just how important my family is to me and just what it means to me knowing that they'll be there no matter what. Through the ups and downs they've been there and for that I'm grateful.
I have become the person that I am and the person that I am striving to be because of them and their un conditional love and support. So going back to school puts me back in my element as weird as that may sound. Not because I don't want to be literally at home with my family, but because at school I'm continuing everything that I've been working towards, which all goes back to my family.
With that said however, school at least for me is like a second home. I'm comfortable there and do well. I'm anxious to go back, yet uncertain about leaving just yet. Then again I am every year...Wow I'm full of contradictions and lots of caffeine, so I'm going to end the rambling here and now.
Jen

Hey People...

2005-03-31T00:02:00.000-05:00

I just checked on some of my comments because I haven't posted or check on my clog in a while and I got a response from heyzues. I definitely think that we are among the few who actually still have these things going but oh well, it's a way to vent right? Anyways the answer to your question is that I have Friedman for Creative Writing. The class is going pretty good, but then again we've still got a few weeks of class left, so who knows how everything will turn out.
I hope that everything is going well for all my fellow bloggers in the world...They're going pretty well for me, or as well as can be expected. I'm at school, what do you expect? It's not the greatest, but it sure as Hell beats dealing with all of the assholes in the real world.

Well, I'm off to get some stuff done before I turn in...Until next time.
Jen

The One That Got Away...

2005-03-30T22:54:00.000-05:00

Have you ever loved someone, but let them go because you were too scared to take that next step? I know it sounds like something you'd read about in a cheesy romance novel or see on a soap opera, but isn't that the way that life goes? Everyone always comes to me telling me about their problems, bitching about their love life issues and this particular entry is about one of my best friend's experiences. She called me the other day crying about how she loved this guy that she was best friends with...Well I'll just tell you about it.

(Initials have been changed and the story slightly altered timewise and such to hide a certain someone's identity...)

M.J. was your average girl in high school. She got decent grades and was pretty involved in just about everything around school. Although she was liked by most people, she didn't really associate with many people back in high school because she, like myself and our friends, didn't believe that many of the people in our school were genuine. However, we did have a close knot group of friends that we'd hang out with.
Anyways, we were best friends and we while we were close, her closest friend was S.S. They had grown up around each other for most of their lives and knew each other really well. She confided everything in him, more so than she did with any of the rest of us.
As time went by we all noticed the sexual tension building between the two of them as the hormones started to rage, but neither would make a move. She didn't want to see their friendship change and he feared losing her or scaring her off. So at times it was pretty awkward at the lunch table.
Soon enough senior year started and S.S. finally made a move, asking her to the movies and she agreed to go. She told me then that they were going as friends, but the rest of us knew that he wanted them to be more. M.J. Told me she liked him and was attracted to him, but she really just wasn't ready for anything serious.
We all went together and had a blast, but I could tell that M.J. was a little uncomfortable. She noticed the looks that S.S. was giving her. I mean if he stared any harder his eyes would have fallen out and I was surprised he didn't need a bib for the drool that almost fell out of his open mouth. All of us girls went on a shopping spree the day before and bought some fun outfits...
As the night progressed the tension built and it was obvious that he wanted to let her know how he felt and he told her. She ran to me in a panic, not knowing how to react. Well I told her to just go with it, but my advice fell on deaf ears and I swear you could hear his heart breaking a mile away when she "let him down."
He really liked her, we could see that. And she liked him, but serious relationships scared the Hell out of the poor girl, she'd been hurt too many times before... So things were really awkward from there on. They were close but he held back from her and she didn't know how to act around him anymore. Graduation came and went and we all left for college. They kept in touch with each other and you know how the saying goes, "absence makes the heart grow fonder," well yeah according to her it does.
M.J. breaks S.S.'s heart, goes seven hours away to school and decides that she's in love with her childhood best friend from high school, almost two years after moving...Now is it me or is that just fucked up? So back to the phone call...Apparently he called her the other day telling her about this girl that he met a while back. He gets into how great she is and how special she is...M.J. Totally freaks and calls me crying because now she decides that she wants him, but obviously can't have him...High school drama was supposed to stop in high school right?...I mean if I'm wrong someone please tell me or just put me out of my misery because I hated drama queens in high school and now apparently my friend has not only turned into a whining, high maintenance girlie-girl, but she's now a drama queen as well. Damn, what happened to the girl who'd help me take on the guys in football?...
So what do I tell her? Does she confess to him that she loves him and always has? or does she stand back and let him have his happiness? I don't know what to do or what to tell her, but this is driving me crazy...Then again relationship issues that weren't my own, usually did.
Jen

Back Again!

2005-01-19T09:28:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm back from winter break and have decided to continue this blog in my free time. I wasn't really sure if I'd want to but I figured that this is a good way to keep on writing. I'm now taking a creative writing class, which is really great so I hope that everything goes well for that class. Yet again I have a pretty full schedule, but life goes on. I'm now that much closer to graduating and getting the hell out of here. Don't get me wrong, I like the whole living away from home deal, I just don't like the whole going to class part of the situation.

Winter break was fun and I loved hanging out at home relaxing, and that's pretty much all that I did, relax. I read probably 15 books and just hung out around the house and with my family and closest friends. However, I wanted to rip my hair out by the second week because it fell back into the old "hey Jen's home routine," which just pissed me off, but oh well.

I don't really have too much to write about write now. I'm not feeling particularly creative seeing how I just rolled out of bed. I'll post somethign new relatively soon.

Jen

Looking for a Little Magic

2004-12-07T11:09:00.000-05:00

Well, looking back this semster at what I have written I have definitely noticed a few things. The first thing that caught my attention was the fact that I opened up and began writing about more personal things. The next thing that I noticed was that I always had something to say. No matter how late it was or how much stuff I had to do, there was always something on my mind. Expressing those thoughts have allowed me to write in a more free manner this semester because I didn't have those random thoughts floating around in my mind. Lastly, I noticed that it was easier for me to write about personal experiences and thoughts. This is a first for me because I generally hide behind the rigid structures of how things are "supposed" to be written.

With that said I have a few favorites that I feel came out of absolutley nowhere in the middle of the night. They have that certain something that set them apart from the others, they have a little midnight magic! Most of them are my poems, but there are a few essays that I tend to look on in awe because I usually write late at night or in the early AM.

Here they are:

Poems:

http://adreamersworld.blogspot.com/2004/10/life-on-outside.html#comments

http://adreamersworld.blogspot.com/2004/09/within-dream.html#comments

http://adreamersworld.blogspot.com/2004/09/go-away.html

Essays:

http://adreamersworld.blogspot.com/2004/09/softball.html#comments

http://adreamersworld.blogspot.com/2004/11/kids.html#comments

http://adreamersworld.blogspot.com/2004/11/family-matters.html

http://adreamersworld.blogspot.com/2004/11/stopping-traffic.html

I loved my poems because poetry is usually how I am able to express myself, I just haven't had as much time to do so latley. The essays I love because I got to write what I wanted and why I wanted to. I expressed myself, saying it like it was, as opposed to the "academic" way of writing. I finally felt free in writing and it felt good. These I consider my little touch of magic because believe it or not, if you look hard enough, you get to see the real me!

Well, this is the last "official" class blog, who know what'll happen after this, only time will tell. Until next time...

Jen

Seeing The World As It Is

2004-12-03T18:24:00.000-05:00

It is strange to sit back and watch people go about their everyday lives. I'm not a stalker...I just observe life more often than not. I sit and watch and you'd be surprised at the things you can see happening all at once.

Picture it you're in a grocery store and you see a lot of people. As you walk past them you try to imagine who they are and what they're like. You observe what they grab as you go and how they carry themselves. You watch how they interact with others or how they avoid others.

You see one mother pushing her cart cooing at her toddler, watching carefully, while doing her shopping, but attentive to the little one that she obviously adores. Then you see another mother pushing her cart with her little one and two others holding the cart. She is ignoring what they are saying, almost oblivious to them. She walks away from the cart and her children often, not thinking anything of it...You think to yourself, "doesn't she watch the news, and see the horror stories of kids getting snatched away?" You keep your thoughts to yourself and continue on the the third mother with her children who appear to be a handful. At first she is soothing and trying to keep her calm, but you can see that her patience is being stretched thin. Then it happens, she loses her cool and ends up leaving her cart full of groceries in the middle of the isle and takes her kids and leaves the store empty handed with two upset children.

Then there's the next category, the people who are stopping in after work for last minute items on their way home. They are dresses in their work attire and rushing as they go. You can see the strain and weary look in their eyes. The stress emanates off of them in waves. They rush along the isles trying to get in and out as fast as they can possibly go. You try to stay out of their way because you're not sure when they'll explode from all of the pressure.

There's the nice little old ladies picking up their 20 or so items. They're a cheery bunch always ready to smile. They hold mirth in their eyes as if they know something that you don't know, like they hold the secrets to life, but watch in amusement as the rest of the world slowly discovers them. They smile at people who pass them and chuckle at the little ones. There are those who aged well and those who look older than their many years.

You see the single men walking around, glancing around at those around them with sometime a look of longing in their eyes as if they know what they're missing or with a look of pity at those around them for the same reason. Sometimes they have amusement clearly written on their faces and others they have a distant look. More often than not they go it and leave as quickly as they can.

Then you have the younger generation in general, who seem to shop in numbers. Whether it is because they need the hands to carry the groceries or if it is an insecurity for them to shop alone you can't tell. They laugh and all around enjoy being together, who knew that shopping for groceries could be so much fun?

You see the cautious shoppers, carefully reading labels and checking either the price or the nutritional content. Then you have those who just throw anything in their cart in hopes to get out of there as fast as they can. You have the shoppers who compare ten different brands of the same thing and then you have those who feel and smell everything before they buy.

It is truly bizarre what you will see if you watch closely enough. This is just one of the many places where you can truly see who people are. Sometimes people are so absorbed in their own thoughts while shopping that they tend to forget to put up their protective barriers and personas. They often reveal themselves without knowing it. You'd be surprised at how much goes on at once in the same place...if you have the time sit back and watch, observe, and learn.

Jen

The Aftermath...

2004-12-01T22:31:00.000-05:00

Well, I thought that I'd try something a little different this time. As a hobby I like to write short stories. I usually try to write about things that people around my age can relate to in one way or another. So here it is the exerp from my latest creation.

Janie was a girl just like everyone else. She had friends, went out and had fun, loved her family, and was your all around typical teenage girl. Her personality is what set her apart from everyone else however. When she would walk in a room it was as if the whole room would light up with her presence. She was the all around "girl-next-door." With her carmel hair and amber eyes she could take the world by storm. Janie appeared to have everything and to be everything that everyone ever wanted.

Little did the rest of the world know that she was hiding something. Day in and day out was a struggle for the girl, a fight just to live. Life at home was never the perfect picture that people percieved it to be. Janie was the middle child in what could be considered a war zone. Sure she wore stylish clothes, but no one knew that she was hiding bruises underneath them.

She and her siblings learned early on not to get in "his" way. Her mother had remarried a few years after she turned five and ever since her life had been Hell. Her stepfather Bill turned out to be an abusive drunk, who had a heavy fist and a bad temper.

I know that it seems kind of morbid now...but I'm still trying to play with the idea and work out the plot and characters best way to mesh. That's about all I can think of for now.

Stopping Traffic?!?!?!

2004-11-29T18:32:00.000-05:00

Well, first off I'd like you to know that my Thanksgiving break at home was great. I love being home with my family and just hanging out with everyone. We all had a great time together. I think that because my brother will be starting college in the fall we all tend to cherish what time we all have together. We prepared for Thanksgiving on Wednesday, made the dinner on Thursday, Christmas shopping on Friday, we got our Christmas tree Saturday...16 foot tree...Yeah that's another story for another time, then we decorated said tree on Sunday morning before I left to come back up to school. I really hate having to leave home after such a long time there. You kind of get used to being there and part of the routine again.

Anyways I think that you can recall how miserable it was like outside on Sunday, well I had to drive back to Keene in that weather. I had a bad feeling about that morning, but I had to get to school to get some stuff done. I ran some errands for my parents, packed up my car and left. My mother warned me to drive slow, so I was cautious, but apparently not enough.

I drove down my street and to Oxford Center to get on the highway. I don't know if any of you have driven on 395 through Worcester, but it's a task on a good day, never mind in shitty weather.

So I got onto 395 in Oxford and drove through to Auburn. It was windy and raining, making driving a bit more difficult than it should have been. I called my mom just before the mall exit in Auburn telling her that it was bad out...She said to go slow and be careful and right before we hung up, she said "I love you." As soon as the words left her mouth my stomach sunk, and I got that horrible foreboding feeling. Right then and there I knew that something bad was going to happen and I wanted to cry. I told her that I loved her too and hung up.

Not two minutes later I went to pass a van in the fast lane. I wasn't going more than 60 MPH, but apparently that was enough. I hit the first puddle and the wheel jerked. My mind was screaming as I fought to control the car. I knew that I was in trouble. The left side of the fast lane had water streaming down it. Then I saw the second puddle and stopped breathing, there was nothing that I could do.

Just as I hit the puddle the wind picked up and all Hell broke loose. My back end swung out and the spinning started. You know how they say you see your life flash before your eyes in near death experiences, well sometimes things happen so fast you don't see anything.

The car starts spinning and the tears start falling. I hold the wheel and struggle to gain control. I close my eyes and hit the brakes. I pray that no one gets hurt. While my car is spinning wildly across 3 lanes of highway in traffic I kept thinking if I die today, what have I done in my life that would make a difference to anyone? What have I done that would mean anything?

At this point I've resolved myself that there was no escaping my impending doom. 395 is a highway that runs over the city of Worcester, meaning that the highway is 40+ feet above the ground with only guard rails to "stop" your car.

Round and round we go, where we'll stop nobody knows. And then, the impossible happened. The car stopped spinning in the breakdown lane, granted I was facing the oncoming traffic, but I had stopped! Not only had I stopped, but I was alive and unhurt! I didn't hit anyone or anything!

I broke down into hysterics at this point. I couldn't think, I couldn't talk, I couldn't breathe. I looked up from my sob fest on my steering wheel and I had stopped all 3 lanes of traffic on 395 in Worcester! A mini-van pulled over in the breakdown lane in front of me it was a woman, a car pulled over behind me it was the daughter of the woman in the van. People came running, and I just cried. I looked over to the guard rail the only thing stopping anyone from dropping to certain death and I saw that I was only 3 feet away from dying. I cry harder at this while trying to assure the kind people who came to my rescue that I was fine.

Another van stops in the slow lane and puts his hazards on. He gets out of his van and comes over as well. I get out of my car, not a dent scratch or flat tire. The man from the van runs over and asks me about Turing my car around...I guess he took the hint that I couldn't and he smiled and laughed and did it for me. The woman and her daughter try talking to me, I really don't remember what I said to any of them, except for "thank you." The mother said something in light of it all, but I will never forget it, or the people who stopped to help me..."See, there are good people in the world." And she was right, there truly are kind people in the world. Complete strangers pulled over and stopped their lives to make sure that I was alright. It meant a lot to me and it is something that I will never forget.

Once I got me car back the right way I thanked all of them, got back in my car, and began my long and slow ride to Keene. I called my mother minutes later in hysterics telling her what had happened. She wanted me to pull off the road so that my parents could come and get me but I knew that if I didn't get on with it then and there I'd probably never go. I told her everything and through my tears and babbling she must have understood. I hung up with her once again and drove the rest of the way to school, legs shaking and tears streaming down my face.

I finally got to school unloaded the car, went to my room and cried. It was a bit much and a huge reality check for me. I've never been so scared in my entire life, never. Then the seriousness of it all hit me like a tidal wave. I almost died! I almost never saw my family again! I didn't tell them that I loved them before I left! Needless to say I sat in my dorm room for the rest of the day crying, alone. I didn't do anything for the rest of the day. I was traumatized, sore, and exhausted.

It is not an experience that I'll ever forget, but I truly wish to never repeat it. I almost lost so mush yesterday that I'm ready to cry. There's so much that I want to do with my life, and all of that was almost wiped away in a matter of seconds. Every year the Holidays are memorable to me, but this Thanksgiving break will always be remembered as the year that I stopped traffic on 395 in Worcester.

I hope you all had a better break than me.

Jen

Family Matters...

2004-11-22T18:51:00.000-05:00

If it is one thing in life that has always been there for me it has been my family. Through thick and thin they have stood by me and have helped me along the way. They give me strength when I have none, they give me hope when I have given up, and they have a faith and belief in me that often brings me to tears. Their unconditional love and support has gotten me through the worst and best of times. Without them I don't know where I'd be today.

With that said let me introduce you to my family, who is said to be able to give the Osborne's a run for their money. ( No, I'm not joking! ) First there is my father, the working man, who with his quiet solid form, can do just about anything. I have "super-dad," who can do just about anything. He can fix a car, build just about anything, make you laugh until you cry, make you smile, and just be crazy old dad...That's right crazy, but we'll get back to that.

Next comes mom...There's not a stronger woman you will ever find. She's beautiful, smart, funny, but she does have her "crazy blonde" moments...Don't we all. She stayed at home and raised us most of our lives, but occasionally over the years she has worked odd jobs. She is the most loving and fun person anyone could want for a mother. She's understanding and patient...She had to be with us demons in the house...( four kids by the age of 29...Five when you include the biggest kid in the house, dad!)

Then there's me...The rebel, the supposed "book worm" and "goody-goody," yeah right...If they only knew. Let's just say that people have always assumed I was the Mandy Moore character in "A Walk to Remember." You know the one...The girl who never does anything wrong. That's a laugh. I could pour the perfect beer from a keg before I could do most other things. I was drinking on a regular basis by the age of 13. I skipped CCD-"Sunday School" and pretty much rebelled when I could...And sort of still do.

Next is my brother, the comedian in our rabble of misfits. He can talk his way around you in a conversation and in the end you'll agree with him for two reasons: 1.) you just want him to shut up and stop bothering you 2.) he can sometimes actually have you agreeing and you won't know it. He says the right things to make you laugh and bring up your mood, despite his sarcasm. He's a big clown... A cross between Jim Carry and Adam Sandler and I'm not exaggerating. He's hilarious, but he's also the sweetest guy in the world.

Then there's my little sister, the resident pre-teen who, well can make things a little dramatic and stressful at times. I suppose that it's the age, but seriously, she's topped even me in the bitchy category at times, but you gotta love the girl for it. Under her bristly exterior is one of the most caring people that I know. Sure she says some pretty random and dumb stuff at times, but it just makes you love her that much more.

Finally, last but not least is our little man, my "baby" brother who turns 8 next month. He is one of the most active little guys I have ever known. Some days he's up and out before the rest of us off on one of his adventures and doesn't come home 'til dark ( summer time usually). He's the kid who brings critters home in his pockets and climbs trees 10 times his height. He gets dirty and muddy and he loves it.

Now that I've introduced you to the family, I'll give you stories and scenarios so you better understand the madness I can't get enough of.

1.)...We were all home one day sitting down for dinner in the dining room for the first time in a long time. (We usually all eat in other rooms or at different times.) Dinner went relatively well, the conversation wasn't what you'd call dinner conversation, but oh well. So dinner was coming to an end with all of us bickering and arguing, over what I don't remember. My brother and I swapped veggies for steak ( he hates steak) and mom got mad...Things escalated and finally everyone was ready to leave, but we calmed down and mom calmly stated that if we couldn't sit down nicely that we wouldn't try it again. Dad got up and went to get the dinner rolls and mom asked him to pass her one...And he did, literally, he threw it to her, not to be mean...He just tossed it and she wasn't looking and it hit on the head...And we all (except mom) died laughing, needless to say our "nice family dinner" was over that night.

2.)...We were all in the kitchen/dining room talking, I don't remember what about but let me give you some background info again on my brother, "the comedian." Apparently he had just recently watched a Jeff Foxworthy special on Comedy Central...Need I say more? Anyways, back to the story. Well at some point during the day my sister had gotten 2 "signs" from my brother for saying something stupid...So were were all talking in the kitchen and she randomly blurts out the most absurd thing in the world..."What if there was cubed cheese?" ( I'll explain further) My brother, being himself, hands her the third "sign" and proceeded to throw his shoe at her and wacked her in the head knocking her off of her chair. I fell to the ground laughing as did most everyone else...It gets better...Then she says"No, I meant cheese in an ice cube..." And that just left us all laughing so hard we were crying...And my brother looked appalled that she would think of something that crazy...At first he thought, as did we all, that she was talking about a block of cheese, but this time she out did herself in her random dumb comments.

3.)...My "baby" brother was outside in the yard one day with mom while the rest of us were at school, or work. They were gardening and pulling weeds from the flower beds. My brother, the little helper that he is wanted to help...So he did...Mom pulled up some weeds by the roots and out fell a worm. Now my brother was little at the time I think 3 at the most. He touched it and freaked out and started crying...Apparently his adventurous outdoors nature was still latent. Anyways when we got home from school mom told us what happened saying, "...Doesn't like worms.."And my brother turns to my "baby" brother and asks..."Why not they taste like chicken?" yep he actually asked that, whether or not he was serious I still don't know, but I wouldn't put it past him, the kid ate bugs until he was like 10 just for the Hell of it...He'd eat just about anything...

I don't have any particular funny stories about dad, but there are many coming from a guy who threw rocks and sticks at the neighborhood kids as a game...He's an all around fun guy.

Like I said we could give the Osborne's a run for their money...Me the rebel, my bro the comedian, my sister the drama queen ditz, and lil bro who gets into more trouble than the rest of us combined, then again he learned from the masters of childhood terror...Sledding off of cliffs...Playing "diver Dan" in the road... acorn and apple fights...yep we were crazy and did some pretty dumb stuff just for kicks...Who else build "go-carts" out of an old push lawn mower and uses a rock tied to an old extension cord for breaks...Those were the days and I loved every one of them.

Jen

Scottish for the Everyday People

2004-11-17T23:22:00.000-05:00

Identity and heritage is an important part of most people's lives. Knowing who they are and where they come from plays a major role in their lives. Each different country and culture have symbols and traditions that given a unique identity to who they are as a people. The past of the culture and country also plays a huge part in who people are in general. To better understand a group of people one must learn about their past and heritage, and in doing so they will get a better idea of whaat truly makes that people who they are.

There are two very different views on each culture, the "native" people of the country, and those that have descended and moved on in the world. The Scottish people live in the modern world, but they embrace both their past and heritage in their lives. People of Scottish descent, particullarly Scottish-Americans often view Scot as the classic or Hollywood Highland Scotsman wearing a kilt and playing bagpipes. While these two particular characteristics are very much a part of the Scottish people, you wouldn't see a modern Scot wearing a kilt unless there was a ceremony or festival of some sort.

Scotland is a country full of history and pride. The people have struggled to keep their independence from the time when the first inhabitants appeared up until more recent times. They have fought for what they believed to be right and true, while maintaining their traditions and identity through the ages.

The Scottish people are divided into groups or clans. These clans are like a larger family unit that once played one of the most important roles in their lives. The clan was lead by the laird or cheif, who was responsible for the decision making and well being of the other clan members. Next comes the tanist, who is elected by the chief as successor and a tanistry is a system of succession. Following the tanist in the hierarchy of the clan is the commander or military leader. Then come the chieftains within the clan, which are followed by the “gentlemen,” blood relations of the chief. Last, but certainly not least, are the clansmen who are equals and yet would follow their chief to death in wartime. While the clans still exist in modern Scotland today, they have faded in thier prominence in the daily lives of the people.

The Scottish clans originated from the Celtic culture that emigrated there from Ireland and have survived throughout the history of the country, still playing a major role in the lives of the people. The Scottish clans have given the people a strong system of morals and strength that is uncommon in the world. They unite to help one another and make sure that each member of their clan is taken care of properly. It is a strong family and government-like system that has lasted through the ages and has greatly influenced the people.

The influence of the Scottish clan system can be seen throughout the history of the people. From the beginning of the country’s history to present day Scotland, the Scottish clan is very much a part of the people’s lives. Though originally being only found in the Highlands, as the years went by the clan system eventually spread throughout the country. Being a member of a clan gives the people identity and allows them to be a part of something more than themselves.

Clans are just one aspect of the Scottish culture that identifies the people. Besides that there is the distinct Scottish brogue and the Gaelic culture that has survived the ages in one form or another. The Gaelic culture was a direct contrast to that of the English and European cultures. In Gaelic, clan means “child” or more commonly accepted, “family.” There are many aspects of the Gaelic culture that can still be seen in the Scottish culture today.

Many of the Celtic and tribal influences can be seen in the Scottish culture. The mythical and legendary aspects of the culture have played a major role in the Scottish culture. They are very similar due to the fact that the Scottish culture influence from the Irish or Celtic. With the Irish Celts came the legends and myths, that over time developed and grew into what they are today in Scotland. From fairies and witchcraft to other strange and magical things, the myths and story became a part of the culture.

To be a Scottish person is to be in touch with your history and heritage. Not only by remembering what has happened in the past, but by ensuring that the past and history is continued by passing knowledge from one generation to the next. Being Scottish is being in touch with your heritage and culture in a way that many people aren’t today. Scottish clans have passed down their history from one generation to the next through story telling. Some clans have designated “story tellers,” who tell stories of the clan’s past to younger generations in hopes to pass on the knowledge. This is not a new practice, but one that has survived the generations and has reappeared in the culture.

The people of Scotland have fought amongst themselves as well as others trying to change them. They have lasted the centuries and all the while have kept their identity intact. The Romans couldn’t break them and neither could the British. In the past many have tried to strip them of their identity and pride. Many tried to change the role the clans played in the lives of the people, but they failed. The Scottish people have held onto who they are and what makes them unique. They have not lost sight of what matters to them and what makes them as they are. They have held true to their ideals for the most part and have strived to keep the past alive as they move on to the future.

What it means to be Scottish is having pride in who you are and where you come from; to make the most of what life has given you and to live life to the fullest. Never giving up and never giving in has always been one of the keystones in this culture. Being Scottish is being a member of a clan and taking part in the daily activities and responsibilities with whichever role you fall under. A true Scot embraces the Gaelic culture and listens intently to the stories and tales of the past; believing in the mythical and legendary, while knowing what is right and true. Being a Scot means being a part of your past, while looking towards a brighter future. In the truest of meanings, in the simplest of terms, being Scottish means breathing in deeply the scent of heather blowing in the brisk Highland breeze with bagpipes flaring, while wearing a kilt and brandishing a claymore, and doing it all proudly. While all of these things are acknowledged and accepted by the Scots, they do live in the modern world, while holding onto their past and embracing it.

Kids...

2004-11-15T18:26:00.000-05:00

I've decided that I love kids! I've always been around kids, babysitting and helping my family with siblings and cousins. One would think that with all of the time spent with them that I would have been scared away from the idea of eventually having kids, but that's not the case.

For my work study job here at school at work for an after school homework lab/ after school program fro kids from kindergarten to fifth grade. This job has really openned my eyes to the full experience of being around kids. Sure I got a lot of experience growing as the oldest of four in my house, but it's different when you are related to the kids that you're responsible for.

In the past couple of months I've really connected to this amazing group of little hellions. I adore and admire each and everyone of them for their little quirks and their charming smiles. There's nothing in the world like teaching them something new or helping them to achieve something. I have never felt this way before when I go to work and hang out with the kids coloring or playing on the playground. It's a new adventure everyday and they've openned my eyes to a lot of things. They halp me to see the innocence and purity that is still left in this ravished world.

I can't seem to get it through my head that these brave and intelligent little people are going to have to eventually face the world some day. It makes you just want to hide them away from the rest of the world and protect them from everything and anything that will harm them. It pains me to know that they will soon lose whatever youthful innocence that remains. I'm not sure that they can even imagine what the world holds for them. For now they live in their blissfully naive little world of childhood, but how soon will it last?

I envy their outlook on life. They are so opimistic and pure that I ache inside thinking about how cruel the world can and will eventually be to them. I've grown up from the serious little child that I once was, but a part of that little girl survives in me and is in awe of the world around me. I love to color and play outside. I love to swing and read silly stories. I just love doing all that things that make life so simple and yet so comfortable.

These kids have made such an impact on my life and I didn't even know that they wiggle their way into my heart until it was too late. I have come to care about each and everyone of them. I love children in general. Kids are like no other group of people in the world. They can take you to far away places with their stories and adventures and they can bring you to your knees with their tears. They hold the future and the world in the palms of their tiny hands and yet the rest of the world seems to forget that simple fact.

It makes me sick to see most of what happens to children in the world. How anyone can harm or kill a child is beyond me. I have to turn off the TV sometimes because I start crying when I hear how a parent murdered their child or beat them until they were hospitalized...and don't even get me started on the sexual abuse that you hear about. Children are the world and to tarnish that innocence or to take it away prematurely is wrong and vile.

Maybe it's the maternal side in me coming out or maybe its the humane part of who I am, but I can't stand to see anyone harmed, especially not children. I can't say enough, but I love kids, and if my mother reads this she may very well panic because up until now I have convinced my family that I'd never have kids. Don't panic yet mom, I'm planning on starting anytime soon! Eventaully, yes, like five or more years down the road, but right now, nah. Life's just beginning to get interesting here and I'm not ready for that kind of responsibility. I can barely keep myself out of trouble, never mind a whole other person depending on me for survival.

Jen

Who Am I?

2004-11-08T18:12:00.000-05:00

Yep, it's official, I really hate going to school. I've always hated school, always. People have just assumed that because I may get good grades that I liked it or enjoyed it, but they couldn't have been more wrong. School, extra curriculars, sports, and other things were just expected of me. More than that, I was expected to do well, not because it was what they wanted for me, but because they knew that I could do it. I proved that I could do well early on, so I guess that there wasn't really an excuse for anything less afterwards.

Everything seems really superficial. We go to school for at least 16 years, given or take a couple, to go get a job, to pay the bills, to live in a rigid routine of clocks, bells and signs ruling our lives. Ugh!! I really don't want any of this right now. All I want to do is live my life and to be happy with whatever I do, but as far as I can tell that's not going to happen because we go back to the what's expected of me aspect of my life that I can't seem to escape.

I know that clinging to those childhood ideals of what life is or what it could be isn't exactly the way to go, but I can't let go of them. I still want to believe that I can find what I'm looking for in life. I'm not sure what it is, but I just have this feeling that I'm waiting for something. I'm not content with the way things are going, sure I'll get my degree, get my professional/master's, get a good paying job, and live day in and day out repeating the same thing everyday. I used to be afraid of the unknown, but now I'm afraid of living the same thing everyday. The monotony of it all is depressing.

I know that there is so much more out there, I just have to open my eyes and find it. I can tell you this much though, when I find it, I'm holding on with both hands and never letting go. I've lived 19 years of the expected and the "right" thing according to others, and I've decided that it's about time that I do something for me. I'm going to study abroad Spring 2006, my roommate and I are going to Ireland. I need to see some of the world before I resolve myself to the monotonous fate that is known as life.

I want to do what they think that I should do, but in all honesty it doesn't make me happy. Somehow over the years I've lost myself in the person that they wanted me to become and have lost sight of what matters to me. Slowly over these past two years I'm discovering the real me who somehow hid underneath the mask of the "book-worm." I nearly had a serious breakdown last year struggling to find myself and still I don't quite have the answers to all of the questions that keep arising.

To say that my life has been tough is an understatement. I don't want pity, I don't need it. The past is the past and life goes on. I can only look to the future and hope for the best, despite everything that is happening in the world around me today. I love them an would do anything for them, but I can't live my life for them. I know that they all have such high hopes for me, and maybe I do too, but I think that I really need to find myself before I can completely grow up, which a scary thought in itself.

I just need to find my place before I can settle in to the world and be somewhat content. I see everyone around me getting married and having kids, and not that I want that right now, but I can't help but feel that slight twinge knowing that I don't have that. I can't explain why I'd be happy as a stay at home mom, but that's what I keep coming back to...Sure I want a career and a good paying job, but, I see all the amazing things that my mother and aunts did and I admire them for it. I also want to be involved if and when I have kids.

I'm tired of being who other want me to be or who they expect me to be, I'm my own person damn it and it's about time that they start realizing it too! I want my own life, so let me live it and go live yours! Wow, that definitely felt good to get that out finally!

This is getting out of hand so before I get all crazy writing this I'm going to have to end it here.

Jen

Revising the Research Paper's Intro and Conclusion

2004-11-03T22:26:00.000-05:00

Introduction:
“The past and its representation have been the focus of much recent work …has enhanced our knowledge of the social function of memory. In particular, the importance of the past and process of remembrance in identity construction, individual and collective…” (Gourievidis, L. 1)
People are defined by their culture and heritage, as well as their past. The history and culture of a people is the backbone of who they are. In order to better understand a group of people one must first take a look at their past to get a grasp on what has made them as they are today. By learning about one’s history and culture it allows them to better understand the reasoning behind traditions and customs that may still be evident in the culture. A person’s history greatly influences their lives, and their heritage plays a major role in who they have become. History is people because it is the people who live through the events that become history. The people are directly related to their past and they were the ones that shape their past and ultimately, their future. Their history and culture gives them identity, and in this world, identity is important.
Conclusion:
What it means to be Scottish is having pride in who you are and where you come from; to make the most of what life has given you and to live life to the fullest. Never giving up and never giving in has always been one of the keystones in this culture. In the American viewpoint, being Scottish is being a member of a clan and taking part in the daily activities and responsibilities with whichever role you fall under. A true Scot embraces the Gaelic culture and listens intently to the stories and tales of the past; believing in the mythical and legendary, while knowing what is right and true. Being a Scot means being a part of your past, while looking towards a brighter future. In the truest of meanings, in the simplest of terms, being Scottish means breathing in deeply the scent of heather blowing in the brisk Highland breeze with bagpipes flaring, while wearing a kilt and brandishing a claymore, and doing it all proudly. However, to a Scot it is all of these things and more. They live their lives in the modern world and hold onto their past and heritage.

Articles: Magazine vs. Journal

2004-11-02T11:06:00.000-05:00

Magazine and journal articles each have their own approaches to introducing their topics an information. The journal articles take the more academic and straight forward apporach, giving facts and details, while leaving out the wordy writing that often draws the reader in. Magazines take an entirely differnt approach. They give the information, but are written in a more reader friendly manner, drawring the reader in and catching their interest from the frist sentence.

The journals that I read for this little "field trip," were Gender and Society Vol. 18, No. 4, August 2004, the article was "Gender as a Social Structure" by Barabara J. Risman and The Journal of Family Violence, Dec. 2003, Vol. 18, No. 6, pp309-390, the article was "Family Violence, Anger Expression Styles, and Adolescent Dating Violence," by Kimberly A. Wolf and Vangie A. Foshee. Risman discussed the affect of gender on society and how it structures our society. The second article discussed the affects of growing up in an abusive environment and how it can possibly lead to becoming abusive later on in life. Both of these article would be intersting to read, if you were really intersted in the topics. They both approached writing in a very serious and professional manner, which is fine for their subjects and topics, but a little hard on the reader. They used many sources and lots of information. They concluded their articles punctually and precisely. With that said, it was rather dull reading, or it is unless you truly have an interest in the topics. Journal article give the plain facts with numbers, graphs and charts and make scholarly statements to the world, but often lack that certain something to draw you in.

The magazines that I read were, Ladies Home Journal October 2004, the article was, " The Best Seat in the House," and Rollingstone, issue 995 Aug. 15, 2004, the article was " The Secret Files of Abu Ghraib, by Osha Gray Davidson. Both of these article catch from the very beginning. They approach the problem of gaining readers by trying to sell their article and get their articles read. They use different fonts, texts, and often start off with stories to draw the reader in. These articles talked about topics that are affecting us all in one way or another. In the Ladies Home Journal article it talked about how the set up of a room and the furnitiure used can set the tone and mood of the area. It particularly talked about sitting areas and living rooms and how certain types of furniture and set up affects the use and comfort level of the room. It used pictures and vivid descriptions, also drawing the reader in. The Rollingstone article started off with a bang using pictures and vivid descriptions on the events that took place in Iraq. It hit close to home and went through the events fromthe percpective of prisoners and took their story and those of the people in power and wrote an article that was both horrifyingly real and impossible to believe at the same time.

All in all magazine are easier to read because they want their material to be reader friendly. They want people to read so they write in a manner that draws people in. They use pictures and personal stories in order to show that people can relate to the topics. Journals are intersting enough, but lack the personal touch in their writing. They assume that their topics are ones that the reader knows something about and wants to read. They give facts, stats, charts, graphs, and diagrams, but not in an understandable or easy to read manner.

This is too much!!!

2004-10-27T23:37:00.000-04:00

This has got to be some of the most intense baseball that I've ever watched! Sure the series against the Yankess was tight and suspenseful, but this is killing me. All I can keep thinking about is how my nana has held on for so long just to see this, the Red Sox in the series, one out away from winning... HOLY SHIT THEY JUST WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't even begin to describe the feeling that I have right now. I've waited my entire life for this, as have many members of my family. This has been 86 years in the making; they made history tonight. I don't even think that I can form coherent sentences at this point in time.

I just got back from the quad and the "riot." I am amazed that so many people have held onto the belief that they could do it for all of this time. I have grown up around sports and the crazy atmosphere that comes with it, and the only experience that even comes close in my mind is when the Patriots won the Super Bowl ( both times)!

There I go again rambling and I'm still not sure if I'm making any sense as I'm writing this, but who cares at this point, THE RED SOX JUST WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!!! ( the Patriots have won 21 in a row...) what else could you ask for? Except maybe the Celtics...but only time will tell.

Life is good...

Jen

Going Deaf...

2004-10-23T20:31:00.000-04:00

Well, last night I went to see Dogfight at the Axis in Boston. It was amazing to say the least. First of all, it was my fist time driving on the Mass Pike and Rte. 128 and that alone was one Hell of an accomplishment. Second of all, I've never been to Boston without my parents, so to say that this was a big thing is an understatement.

Back on track, we got there after a T-ride from Hell( I get motion sickness!!) and walked around the block to where the Axis was located. We got in ( My brother, three of his friends, my roommate, and myself), and waited for the first openning band to go on, that's right, the first, implying that there was more than one! There were three, yep, three bands that went on before Dogfight even hit the stage!

The first band was a local band from Boston, In Vision ( I hope that I got that right). They were pretty good and are planning on recording their album soon. The second band was another local one, but their music has been on WAAF! Halobourne was really good live and their music was...loud! Next came September Twilight, my favorite other than Dogfight. They had such a great sound and presence on stage. I ended up buying their CD and guess what, they sounded great, but I'd have to say I liked them live better.

Last, but certainly not least was Dogfight! Now I wasn't sure what to expect, and honestly I was afraid that they wouldn't be all that great live, even thought my brother told me that they were great at Loco. To say that I wasn't disappointed would be an understatement. They were amazing live! They sounded just as good if not better than their CD!

I really loved the show and the music. The only complaint that I have is that I'm still not hearing things as I normally would. It was so loud, which is expected at rock concerts, but seriously it was insane. I was right by the speakers all night long so it will be intersting to so how long it is before I can hear again.

I loved spending time with the roomie and my brother. It was a great night all around. The T ride back to the car was intersting to say the least. Let's just say that cramming into the T like sardines was worse than the ride in and I almost didn't make it without getting sick.

I'm still blown away by the whole experience because we were no less than ten feet from bands that we hear on the radio at home. It was an experience of a lifetime. My first concert with my brother, just so happened to be my first time driving on the Mass Pike.

Well I can't really think of much else to ramble on about. But I can honestly tell you that if i didn't like Dogfight before, I love them now! And September Twilight is a band worth checking out. Until next time.

Jen

Random Thoughts

2004-10-22T11:54:00.000-04:00

As I have gotten older I have been reflecting on my life and experiences more and more often. When I was younger I never really thought much about things in my life and just went along blissfully niave to the ways of the world. I find myself wondering how things in my life would be had certain events in my past turned out differently. Where would I be now if I chose another path?

I can't seem to allow myself to be satisfied or content with my life. I want so much more than there is before my eyes right now. Sure my life is better off when compared to many other people in the world today, but it is a far cry from being happy with it. I want to find that sparkle that has seemed to fade over time. I hate to wake up and see the reality of what the world is like every day. Each day the world around me begins to fade more into the shadows. A little more of the world that I once knew and looked at in awe, dies slowly with the passage of time.

I watch the life that I am living take the sidetracks from what I imagined it would be when I was younger. I know for a fact that not everything in life can be perfect, but it is hard for me to let life take me where ever it will go. I am so used to having things well thought out or planned out before I actually jump in and participate. Now nothing is for certain or planned out, and while that has a certain appeal, it scares the Hell out of me.

I know that all of this is a major part of growing up; dealing with the unknown and taking it all in stride, but I can't seem to let go of those past practices and routines. I guess that I'm just doing a lot of thinking, now that I have more time to myself to do so.

Life has a funny way of showing us things about ourselves and even though we may not necessarily understand the purpose for events, there is a reason for everything. This is something that I truly believe and live by. I'm trying not to read too much into things and to just go with the flow. Life's a roller coaster and I'm just along for the ride!

Jen

Cursing at the TV

2004-10-18T18:34:00.000-04:00

Yet again I found myself sitting in my dorm room swear and cursing at the TV last night. Did I expect it to answer me? Not really, but as you might imagine, it relieves a lot of my stress and frustration. If it is one thing that I have learned from playing sports, sitting on the sidelines watching is far more difficult than playing. Sure while playing you are solely focused on the task at hand, the field, the other players, and you, which isn't necessarily easy, but that doesn't come close to having to sit there helplessly watching as the game goes one way or anther.

Sports is as much a part of me as anything else in my life if not more than most things. I live, breathe, and sleep all things sports. Growing up watching the Patriots, Celtics, Bruins, and Red Sox has definitely influenced my interest.

Even now, years later and while I am older, I still love watching the game with the family.
There's nothing like being at home in your lucky jersey watching your favorite team with the family. I have really come to appreciate that and the fact that it isn't the greatest thing to sit in your room with someone who doesn't quite feel the same way about the game, or like last night, watching the game all alone.

I sat in my room last night swearing at the TV, coming seriously close to throwing things! I love sports with a passion and get really caught up in the heat of the moment. I guess you could say it's in my blood. The adrenaline that rushes through your veins while watching the events play before your eyes is like nothing else.

In my mind there's nothing like playing the game, but I never realized just how intense watching it could be. I know that it may sound weird to say this, but I think I finally understand all of the stress that my mother went through while I was playing over the years.

She could never eat anything during my games...the one time she did she ended up choking on a peanut M&M because I hit my first out of the park home run. Needless to say that watching sports has turned out to be the same for me. I can't do anything else!

Good luck to the Red Sox and Go PATS!

Jen

Another Article Related Assingment...

2004-10-13T23:50:00.000-04:00

Well, this assignment is simple enough right?...wrong! I have to write a counter argument for one of the articles that I am using for my research paper on Scotland, so here it goes.

In the article “Representing the Disputed Past of Northern Scotland,” by Laurence Gourievidis, the author goes into a lot of the history of what happened in the country. He gives specific examples and reasons behind the events, trying to prove his own theories for why things are the way they are in the country. While this is an extremely useful way of presenting his information, it gets a little on the confusing side at times. His information goes back and forth between the different perpectives of the people affected by certain events in the history. In many cases in his article it goes into the fact that many of the clans in Scotland have their own private museums with historical information and artifacts. It also says that it doesn't necessarily mean that this information is entirely true or unbiased when telling the tale of whatt may or may not have happened. (Conflicts between the Scottish (Highlanders mostly) and the English/Lowlanders)

He pretty much says that people are particularly biased to their own story, and while that may be true, there is also some truth behind what people tell. Some people may argue that people often embelish their own tales and deeds in their lives, and that may very well be true but not always. People are naturally proud of what they have acomplished in their lives, but they also want the truth to be known. People want those who have done great things to be remembered and not forgotten. Sure, there may be some cases where things are exaggerated or embelished a bit, but that does not necessarily completely make what they are saying untrue.

Who's to say which side of the story is right or wrong. In most cases they may both be right. Each side of the story holds some truth and by reading into things and comparing the information, as Gourievidis has done one can get a better look at what happened.

Quickie in Class Essay: What it Means to be Scottish

2004-10-12T11:08:00.000-04:00

In order to understand any group of people you must first learn about their past. By seeing things through their perspective you get a better understanding of who they are and what made them become the way that they are. A person’s history greatly influences their lives, and their heritage plays a major role in who they have become. History is people because it is the people who live through the events that become history. The people are directly related to their past and they were the ones that shape their past and their future.

The Scottish people have a history and culture all their own. It is a country rich in pride and integrity. From the origins of the clans to present day Scotland; the Scottish clans have been the backbone of the people. Scotland has played an important role world wide by influencing people with its culture and traditions that have been passed down from one generation to the next. Scotland and its people have greatly influenced other countries throughout the world because of immigration and the changing of times.

One such tradition or symbol that is widely known is the tartan or kilt. It give identity to the clan members and people as a whole. The tartan or kilt has become a symbol of the culture and country because it symbolizes who the people are and their past. People all over the world recognize and signify this symbol and associate it with Scotland and its history. Each different clan uses different colors or variations in their tartan to signify or identify themselves. They have a pride in their heritage and aren't afraid to display who they are.

A clan is like a family unit, but on a larger scale. It is led by a laird, who makes the major decisions concerning his people. He (usually male lairds as far as I know) has the responsiblity of providing for his people and making sure that everything goes well for them. There are other clan members who act as counsil to the laird. The clan as a whole work together and make sure that each member is provided for.

In the article “Representing the Disputed Past of Northern Scotland,” by Laurence Gourievidis, the history of Scotland is discussed. Gourievidis understood that in order to truly know and understand people you must first learn and understand their history and past. According to Gourievidis’ research, the history of Scotland is very much a debatable topic within the country. First there is the perspective of the lower class or the crofters and then there is the perspective of those who have authority, usually being the English government. Both sides have their own ideas and opinions as to what happened throughout their history and why and yet when compared, they are drastically different.

The Scots have fought for what they believed in throughout their history. One of the major disputes that is well known, is that of their fight for independence from England. Scotland is mainly divided into two sections; the Highlands, who embrace the Gaelic culture, and the Lowlands, who embrace the English culture. The two have struggled for dominance in the country and have fought to gain the advantage. However, they did unite together for the most part to fight for their short lived freedom from England. While Scotland is its own country, it eventually fell under the rule of the English once more and is a part of the United Kingdom.

Scotland is a country full of history and legend. Its people have banded together to fight for what they believe in. They have a strong sense of identity and value many things including family and freedom. Without Scotland and its people we would not have many of the traditions and customs in the world that we have today. There would be an entire group of people missing, causing a large gap in history and legends. Scotland and its people have given so much to the world that it is hard to imagine what it would be like without them.

Life on the Outside

2004-10-11T23:55:00.000-04:00

Stuck on the outside looking in
Wondering when your turn will begin
Not knowing where to turn to
Not knowing how to get through
Wishing that somehow they’d see
Who you really are and who you want to be

The emptiness grows within you
And it’s so hard to continue
Looking in from the outside
While letting your emotions hide
Slowly slipping into the shadows of life
Walking toward the gallows to end the strife

The pain that once burned now consumes
Bringing you closer to your ultimate doom
Trapped within your own tears and madness
Reaching for the happiness in the sadness
But when the dust clears you’re still alone
Watching the world and how it’s grown

Watching but never really taking part
Wanting to fit in deep down in your heart
Trying to reach out but no one knows
They change with the wind as it blows
Sometimes the look but they’ll never see
While you may be trapped at the same time you’re free

You know who you are and don’t want change
So who cares if people look at you like you’re strange
You’ve found yourself in the midst of this crazy world
Your uniqueness makes you as precious as a pearl
Be who you are while looking in from the outside
Because despite its faults life will provide

If nothing else is true this much is
Life is what you make it I promise you this
So hold your head hide and never let go
It’s your turn to let the world know and show
That you are yourself and you a free
To be who you are and who you want to be

Jen

Researching: Claims, Reasons, & Evidence...

2004-10-07T10:48:00.000-04:00

Yet again I'm writing this post in relation to a research paper that I am writing for my Expository Writing class. I am researching the history of Scottish Clans and my thesis or focus on the topic is "What is means to be Scottish."

I went to google.com and typed in "the history of Scottish clans." There were many sites that seemed interesting enough and seemed to contain a lot of information, however, many of them were clan websites from actual clans, meaning that they were written by clan members who are biased when it comes to their own history.

With that said, there were also many sites that seemed to contain a lot of information that appeared both valid, and factual. There are thousands of websites on this topic, so believe me when I say that finding the articles wasn't hard. What was difficult was finding articles or websites that stand up to the credibility test.

One website http://www.fife.50megs.com/Scottish-tartan.htm talked about the history of the tartan or kilt, which identifies the clans from one another. The article claims that the tartan or kilt has become a symbol of the culture and country because it symbolizes who the people are and their past, and it gives evidence of this by going through a brief history of the kilt and giving links to other sites that are related to the topic as reference.

Another article clearly recognizes the importance of history and the people directly involved. http://www.heartoscotland.com/Categories/History.htm This website claims that history is people because it is the people who live through the events that become history and only they can change it. It gives the history of the Scottish people along with links to specific time periods of the history, thus supporting their claim. They show how the people are directly related to their past and how they were the ones that shaped both their past and their future.

Finally, http://www.tartanday.gov.uk/seonaid.html claims that Scotland and its people have greatly influenced other countries throughout the world because of immigrating and the changing of times. The article points out many of the things that have been influenced by the Scottish people and states that many of the things in Europe and the United States have been directly influenced by people with a Scottish heritage. The article also points out that there are now nationally recognized days to celebrate the Scottish heritage and that the Scottish government, which has recently been reestablished, is back on the track of making changes for the better of its people.

There is so much information on this topic and it amazes me to realize just how much the Scottish people embrace their heritage. They have over 100,000 related websites on google and I'm sure that there are many more on other search engines. The history and the culture of the Scottish never cease to amaze me. I don't know if it's the romantic notion about the Highlands or if it is the need to learn more about my heritage that is the driving force behind this research. Either way I'm loving every minute of it.
Jen

Another English Assignment...Article Related

2004-10-06T19:45:00.000-04:00

Researching topics is never a difficult task. First finding a topic is sometimes nearly impossible and then once you've overcome that hurdle, you must find valid and reliable sources to back up your topic and opinions. It can take anywhere from hours to weeks to find enough supporting evidence to go with a certain topic, thus making writing research papers a long and tedious process.

In the article “Representing the Disputed Past of Northern Scotland,” by Laurence Gourievidis, the history of Scotland is discussed. The author goes into details about the Scottish people and their lives. He explains what happened, how it happened, and the possible reasons why things happened the way they did.

Gourievidis gives historical evidence by listing names, dates, places, and specific events that took place in his writing. Not only does he give factual information, but he also list many sources from which he obtained his information. He gives names of museums and other sources as well as written sources to help back up his work.

This article in particular was thought to be the most credible source for the topic that I am researching, which is the history of Scottish clans and how it has affected the lives of its people. It is a difficult topic to research, but if one reads closely enough in the article you can find some interesting and often extremely helpful information.

Gourievidis understood that in order to truly know and understand people you must first learn and undestand their history and past. He went in depth as to what happened throughout the history of the country and used that information to try and explain and justify why things are the way that they are today. He didn't bindly make assumptions ans accusations, he used the inforamtion that he gathered to support his ideas and explanations.

I believe that this article was truly valid in all aspects of the word. He researched his topic thoroughly, stated his sources, and blended his work and that of others in a clear, yet honest and truthful manner. He writing is believible and is apparently very accurate, then again after reading so much on the topic one tends to notice the overlapping of information, varifying what people are writing.

I certainly hope this was what I was supposed to write for this class, if not I really don't have too much time to fix it until later...I have 4 other classes, all of which are Technology classes that are related to Architecture(my major) and require a lot of outside class time for projects and researching.

Jen

Music To My Ears

2004-10-04T23:35:00.000-04:00

If I know one thing about music, I know that it is a release of emotion. Each different type of music expresses emotions differently and yet they seem to be saying the same thing. Songs can tell you someone's whole life story, or they can capture a particular moment in time.

Music can help you through just about anything. Just turn on the radio or pop in your favorite CD and you're bound to find a song that can relate to what you're feeling. It's amazing how some people have that gift to be able to capture life and put it into words that we can all read and understand.

I don't know about you, but I've been listening to music my entire life. Whether it was the 80's music (hair bands/rock), or if it was oldies and light rock, there was always music playing in the house while growing up. Even today music plays a big part in my life. It can either sooth the soul or it helps you to let out your anger and aggression by just listening to the lyrics.

I was supposed to get tickets to go see Alter Bridge and Crossfade at the Avalon in Boston, but plans fell through and I ended up without the tickets. Then I was supposed to go to Locobazooka 2004, but yet again I was unable to go for various reason, even though most of my new favorite bands were playing. My brother, however, did manage to go and guess what? He was front row throughout the entire show! Yeah, how jealous am I?

A lot of the bands that played are local or not very well known, but their music is great! I mean check out the line up from Loco.

Well back to the point that I was trying to make. My brother, the sweet guy that he is, IM-ed me tonight and asked if I wanted to go see Dogfight. Of course you could imagine my surprise! I told him yes immediately and now he's taking care of the whole ticket thing, which, cross your fingers, won't fall through again.

There's nothing like a good song to make your life seem so much better! I absolutely love the newer rock music, well, it's new to me at least. I love how a lot of the bands are going back to the music!

So to all you music lovers out there check out the links above. Until next time.
Jen

In Class Grammar Evaluation of My Blog

2004-09-28T11:28:00.000-04:00

As you can probably tell by my title this isn't going to be the most intersting blog entry. We have to evaluate our blogs ( all of pur entries) and find 6 differnt types of sentences, so here it is.

Ex. 1 & 5: Don't get me wrong, the magazines for the energy efficiency was pretty factual and credible in my opinion, seeing how my professor for my class pointed some out, but the journals regarding the Scottish inforamtion I would feel safer using as a resource.

Ex. 2: While making your home energy efficient may cost you money, in the end you will save more money in your utility bills.

Ex. 3: I have a strong feeling that I am going to read this when I wake up in the morning and smack myself for ranting on because I couldn't think of anything else to do when I couldn't sleep.

Ex. 4: As you can probably imagine I'm sitting here in my dorm room reminiscing about the good old days; I should be sleeping because I have an 8AM class in the morning.

Ex. 5: Well, in a previous post I stated that I would be doing a research topic on Scotland, so I just thought that I'd update you on how it's going.

Ex. 6: We weren't really fighting "the enemy;" consequently, we were fighting each other.

All of these have been taken from all of my blog entries. Some have been changed a little to fit the grammatical sentence structure type.

Jen

Go Away

2004-09-27T23:58:00.000-04:00

Can you follow me
Can you follow you
Just take a look back
To all that we've been through

I see you look at me
Just take a look at you
Sick and tired of the lies
What am I going to do

Can you see what I see
I can see what you do
Don't think I'll give in
Not after what I've been through

Are you listening to me
Because I'm talking to you
This is my final good-bye
I won't tell you where I'm going to

I see you
And it's making me ill
I want you
To just go away, go away...

In-class research results

2004-09-23T11:32:00.000-04:00

Well now that I've looked at many articles from journals I can see major differences. Of course I looked up two major different topics, being radiant heating in floors and the history of Scottish clans, making things seem drastically different. The language used and the way in which the articles are presented is extremely different. The information regarding the heating systems was more informative, but in a manner that was easy to read and understand. The information regarding the Scottish history of clans was straight fact and more focused. It had more of straight on way of approaching the topic.
Of the two different methods of researching I find that the journals are more credible. They are peer reviewed and often site and quote where they got their information. The magazines do state some facts and other sources, but the journals are more "scholarly." Don't get me wrong, the magazines for the energy efficiency was pretty factual and credible in my opinion, seeing how my professor for my class pointed some out, but the journals regarding the Scottish inforamtion I would feel safer using as a resource.
Jen

Summaries of Articles for Class

2004-09-22T22:13:00.000-04:00

Is it any wonder that I'd research a topic that pertains to my major? I think not! You may find architecture not in the least bit interesting, but I on the other hand am fascinated by it. I research energy efficient homes and different types or ways of making homes energy efficient, particularly radiant heating in floors.

Article 1 Summary: Environmental Construction and Design Magazine, "Warm Floors"

The use of radiant heating in floor is much more efficient and effective in homes. Radiant heating is floors consists of a water filled pipe system or an electric system that runs throughout the floor. It does not alter the function or layout of the rooms and it is a more effective means of heating. The heat seeps through the floors and heats the furniture and lower portion of the room better. This system is also more cost effective than other means of heating, but the electric pump system is a bit more expensive.

There are two major types of radiant floor heating. The first, is the hydronic system, which is more effective because it covers and heats a larger surface area. The second is the electric heating system. In this system, mats are installed into the flooring system. This type is usually used for smaller areas or if your region has lower costs for electric power.

The radiant heating system also has other benefits as well. It prevents some of the symptoms that occur for allergy sufferers. It heats the floor, making the room more comfortable for the people who occupy the room. It is also easily controlled and it is not stifling.

http://www.edcmag.com/CDA/ArticleInformation/features/BNP__Features__Item/0,4120,132779,00.html

Article 2 Summary: Solar Today Magazine, "The Energy-Efficient Home"

There are many reasons for building energy efficient homes, though most of them are common sense. While making your home energy efficient may cost you money, in the end you will save more money in your utility bills. A key factor in the reason for making your home enegery efficient, and that is the protection of the environment.

The thought process that is needed when considering an energy efficient home starts in the design and planning process and follows through until the construction is complete. When considering the use of energy efficient materials and methods there are many factors to be considered such as site orientaion, the actual design of the building, materials that are desirable to use and many other important things. A building should be built air tight, with proper ventilation and insulation. Windows should be of good quality and sealed air tight and there shouldn't be an accessive amount of them because they are a major source of heat loss in homes.

Other things to consider when building an energy efficient home are the types of appliances that are used. If a person truly wants an energy efficient environment to live in they must seriously consider the appliances that will be used and the type of lighting in their homes. Not only the building itself should be environment firendly, but the things that are placed in the home and used should also.

http://www.solartoday.org/2004/sept_oct04/energy_efficient_home.htm

Article 3 Summary: Backwoods Home Magazine, "Radiant Floor Heating"

Radiant floor heating has many pros and cons of its use. The author Michael Hackelman interviewed Stephen Heckeroth for most of the article. He went into detail about the affectiveness of radiant floor heating and described how the system works in an understandable manner.

Radiant floor heating distributes the heat given off more evenly than other types of heating systems. While the cost of materials, such as the tubing for the system is expensive, it pays off in the long run. Heating bills are less expensive and over time the system makes up for what was spent on it in the money saved.

The radiant heating floor system runs in a series of s-curves along the floor in the room and in some cases throughout the house. This pattern allows the room to be evenly heated, but it does not over heat the floor as some might expect. It can be run using solar energy or electricty can power the system.

http://www.backwoodshome.com/articles/hackleman64.html

I am researching a possibly topic for a term paper for my Energy and Sustainable Design class, thus is why I found and used these websites for my article summaries for my Expository Writing class. I figured that I'd be "killing two birds with one stone." Some may call it lazy, but I call it saving myself a lot of time and energy researching too much at once.

Jen

Scotland Here I Come

2004-09-21T11:11:00.000-04:00

Well, in a previous post I stated that I would be doing a research topic on Scotland, so I just thought that I'd update you on how it's going. Today in class we went through some writing exercises to narrow down our topic. Mine has been narrowed down considerably.

Like I mentioned before I have recently found out that I am Scottish and would like to learn more about that aspect of my heritage. I am planning on focusing on the clan structure, the history of clans, and their influence or how they have influenced the lives of their people. I am going to look into the origins of clans, the myths/legends, and the history of where they came from and how they have evolved. I am going to look into how the daily lives of the people once were and how they have changed. I will also try to find what cause the change. I want to find out more about clan life in general and how it has changed throughout history, or if it has remained intact over the years.

I know this still seems to be all over the place, but at least I narrowed it down a bit. Any suggestions and feed back it welcome!
Jen

Random Ranting and Raving

2004-09-20T22:31:00.000-04:00

I was watching TV today and I've concluded that whoever decided to change the TV shows sucks! What ever happened to all of the great shows that I watched while growing up? I mean seriously Fraggle Rock, the Smurfs, Carebears, Rainbow Brite, Strawberry Shortcake, Lady Lovely Locks, My Little Pony, Gummy Bears, and Ninja Turtles. Then you get into the whole classic Nickelodeon shows like Norman the Gnome and Urika's Castle. Add to that Sesame Street, the Muppet Show, Muppet Babies, Pound Puppies, Shera, Transformers, Lamb Chop, Wishbone, Winnie the Pooh, and Jem. God, those were the good 'ole days.

Sitting down watching TV now makes me long for those fun shows. I can't believe the way that TV shows are today. I mean not that many of the shows I watched were all that great, but some of them on today are just bad. That's the only way that I can describe it.

I know that if you read through most of my entries I talk about my past and childhood, but I only write about what I know. What I can tell you that I know for sure, is that kids now are missing out on a lot of great things. Growing up in the 80's and 90's was fun to say the least. Where else could you have watched Alf, Punky Bruster, Blossom, and Charles in Charge? You can't forget Golden Girls, Levern and Shirley, or MacGyver. I still remember watching some of these shows while being babysat. I'd sit there in front of the TV coloring or painting.

Those were some pretty great shows. If you're lucky you can catch them on late might TV reruns. As you can probably imagine I'm sitting here in my dorm room reminiscing about the good old days when I should be sleeping because I have an 8AM class in the morning. So with that said, I'll leave you to remembering all those good times growing up.
Jen

Don't Judge A Book By It's Cover

2004-09-20T01:01:00.000-04:00

I found out long ago that not everything is what it seems. You know that saying, "Don't judge a book by it's cover." So why do many feel the need to completely write each other off based on appearance and assumptions? This is one of the many questions that baffles me.

Everyday people walk around absorbing their surroundings and observing everything in them. This includes watching others and "studying" what they are like. No I don't mean studying as a scientific lab experiment or stalking. What I mean is that no matter who you are, people watch the way others behave around them and based on their observations, judge those being observed. It is part of the way that we interact and part of our social consciousness. In order to initiate any type of communication with people, we tend to talk to others who appear to be most compatible or appealing to ourselves.

I'm no different from anyone else. Do I observe the world around me? Yes, I do. However, I try not to judge others too harshly because you never know what they are dealing with. Just because a person may appear one way, does not necessarily mean that everything is as it appears at face value. It is easy enough to put up a mask to shield one's self from the rest of the world. People hide things in their lives in order to fit in. People often hide the real person that they are in order to be a part of the social crowd.

No really has the right to judge someone else because of how they dress and who they hang out with. Sure you may not agree with the things that they do, but has it ever occurred to you that there may be something more going on there, that there may be something beneath the surface just out of reach? Before people judge each other they should consider what might be going on in that other person's life. Maybe they have a rough life at home and their "tough guy" attitude is their protection. Maybe something has happened in their life that has changed them. Just maybe they're having a bad day.

Here's a scenario for you:
The happy-go-lucky, straight A student goes to school everyday with a smile plastered on his face. He keeps to himself mainly, except for the few friends that he was close to. He dealt with the nagging and assumption that everything was perfect in his life, but no one knew that it was in fact the complete opposite. His family life sucked and he dealt with the constant bullies growing up. Then one day, what was seemingly out of the blue, he flips out on everyone and tells them to back off. He basically tells them the hours of work he puts in to get his grades and that it doesn't come easily. Needless to say everyone left him alone after that!

Ok here's another scenario:
The woman speeding down the highway driving kind of recklessly cuts you off. You get angry and start swearing and yelling. You're pissed of because she's driving like an idiot. Little do you know that she just received a call from the hospital and her teenage son was just admitted and is unstable. She's racing to the hospital to get there because the doctors told her that it didn't look good and they didn't give her son much time to live.

These are just a couple of the things that could happen and in many cases have happened. People go around judging one another for often times no reason at all. I'm not saying I'm perfect when it comes to this. I'm just saying that I've been on the receiving end of being judges for appearances and assumptions, and let me tell you that it sucks! No one likes to be judged, at least not when there isn't justification behind it. Being known as the "brain," "jock," "princess," "cheerleader," "drama-queen,""geek," or anything else isn't really being known at all. Sure these characteristics are a part of who we are and can describe a lot of what we do, but it isn't everything.

When I think back to high school, it doesn't bring back many good memories. My school was full of cliques, many of which made high school Hell! I was caught between groups of friends and different cliques, so it was hard to relate to one particular group. I was judged by my academic standing, athletic ability, and appearance. While these three things were a major part of my high school identity, they didn't really define the real me. Not many people took the time to get to know me outside of those classifications.

I still see the same thing going on here in college, but to a lesser degree. Thankfully everything is more laid back here. I don't think that I could ever handle high school again. Then again, who would want to do that again?

Jen

Within A Dream

2004-09-18T13:38:00.000-04:00

Sick of waiting, suffocating
Tired of living in silence hating
Wondering when it all will cease
Longing to find that endless peace
Reaching for an unseen hand
Blindly scanning barren land
Searching out the life not lived
Grasping for that priceless gift
Holding on to bare thread
Not giving into the consuming dread
Watching the light pass through the sky
Not ready to give up life and die
Losing grip on all that is real
Silently praying to once again feel
Wanting to find the light in the dark
Silently searching for that single spark
Wanting to live and to be free
Hoping once again to be able to see
Wanting to live the life that was meant
Patiently waiting for answers to be sent
Noting the change in the world around
Gazing as the last star falls to the ground
Dreaming of the life that might have been
Wanting to go back to start over again
Searching for a sign, for unyielding hope
Seeing this life through another's scope
Watching it all as if in a dream
Wondering if everything is how it seems
Settling back into the arms of sleep
Eyes closing to silently weep
Turmoil erupting in the heart and mind
Hoping relief is swift and judgment is kind
Peacefully drifting into the sands of time
While knowing the love was not a crime
Waking up in the night with a start
Finally realizing one must follow the heart

This was just a little something that sort of just came to me while staring at the dreaded blank computer screen.

Jen

Life Is Confusing

2004-09-17T01:49:00.000-04:00

There is much in this life that can't be explained and while there are many who seek the answers to the unknown, some things are better left the way that they are. Why is it that people feel the need to know the answers the everything? Life could be so simple if everyone stopped trying to prove or disprove things in nature and their lives.

I find it hard often times to watch the things that are going on in the world around me. Not for a lack of interest, but from the lack of wanting to watch the world slowly corrupt and destroy itself. I look at the world we live in and am ashamed by the way things are. Life could be so simple if people could settle their differences and get along.

Many people are too concerned with their own self gain to see all of the problems that are arising in our lives. Material objects and possessions are what many people are after, but once one has them, what's the point? Life these days is very superficial! A lot of people place value on appearances rather than self worth and ability. The world, if anything is impersonal, a far cry from the once intimate place that existed in times not long gone by. People actually interacted with one another on a daily basis as a means of livelihood. Now we're lucky if we can contact one another on the phone or via the internet.

Don't get me wrong, there are some great things in the world today, but I just hope for something more and better than what is before me. I know that my idealistic dreams are just that, dreams, but I can't help but wonder what if things were different?

It is hard to imagine any other life than the one that I've known. Many times I find myself trying to imagine what it would be like to be someone else, if only for a little while. I used to see the world in such vivid hues and dream about what my life would be like when I got older. Now that I am older, I long for those days of blissful innocence, when nothing really mattered.

I try to rationalize how we got here and yet I can't really explain any of my own questions. Life is a mystery, one which hopefully never loses its thrill and adventure. I like daring to believe and trying new things.

My one hope, however, is that despite all of our differences and advances in technology, that we never forget where we came from. I know that this may sound cliche and a bit over done, but I can't help but think about the past and the founders of our country. What would they think if they saw the results of their sacrifices? Would they marvel at the way things are, or would they be appalled by the lack of the values that they were governed by?

I know that change is a good thing and that I need to get used to change, but that doesn't mean that I have to like it. I watch the world in front of me changing daily, while I'm still struggling to catch up with changes that took place what seem like ages ago. I'm still baffled at how rapidly life changes.

I just watched "Cold Mountain" and I can honestly say that it was hard to watch. Any war movie is hard to watch, but this one was just rough. The years of the Civil War were some pretty dark times in the US. We weren't really fighting "the enemy," we were fighting each other. Just the thought of such an event made my bold run cold and my heart nearly break. The vivid images and the graphic fights still stand out in my mind. I think the fact that this movies stands out in my mind so much is because of the fact that it really took place.

While today we aren't fighting amongst ourselves, we are still fighting. I may have my own thoughts and opinions on the way things are going right now in life in general, but I give my full support to the troops! They are just doing their job, fighting to ensure that we are all safe and sound. My thoughts and prayers go out to them and their families.

Hopefully, some time soon we can all find the peace that we all seem to need and crave. Living in fear of a constant threat is unsettling. I have a feeling that change is coming, whether good or bad, we have yet to know. One way or the other things are going to get interesting and I think that only time will tell the outcome of the events that are yet to take place.

I have a strong feeling that I am going to read this when I wake up in the morning and smack myself for ranting on because I couldn't think of anything else to do when I couldn't sleep. Until next time.
Jen

Possible Topic for Future Research Essay...

2004-09-16T11:17:00.000-04:00

SCOTTISH AND PROUD OF IT...
I have always been interested in Scotland. It is my lifelong dream to some day go there and just explore the culture and life style there. Part of my interest in Scotland and Scottish history and clan life stems from the fact that I am extremely Scottish from both sides of my family, in fact we still have family over there! What I'd like to base my essay on is the affect of clan life and family values and how it has changed and influenced the lives of the people with that heritage. The other part of my interest stems from the whole romantic ideas of the Highlands and castles and just the whole culture itself. Scotland is a country rich in pride and intergrity. It is a part of who I am, but I think that I want to write this essay to research more and to get a better understanding of the life there or at least how it once was, or if it is in fact the same. I want to better understand where I come from and how that has affected who I am today. Any ideas or suggestions on my topic are welcome...in fact I'd love it if people would give me possible topics or different angles that I could tackle this from.
Jen

Information Concerning My Major...

2004-09-15T20:01:00.000-04:00

Well, there are a few ways that I can write this entry. The first is, I could just randomly start ranting off on topics concerning architecture, which is my major. The second option is that I could gradually get you into the topic, while giving some background information. Personally I like to have something interesting to read not just a bunch of facts and questions about something that I have no reason to read about. So, with that said, I think that I will opt for the second way to write this blog entry for my Expository Writing class homework. It may be longer than most, but this is how I like to write.
My interest in architecture must have started at an early age. I was always the little girl who loved blocks, Legos, and Lincoln Logs. I was always building things and designing things. Instead of doodling in class as most students are prone to do, I drew floor plans and sketched out houses.
When I entered into junior high I started taking the technology classes. That's when I seriously became interested. Even though I was one of the few girls in the class, I didn't let that distract me. More often than not, I would be the one who'd know what to do and how to build things. A lot of the time I did better than the guys in the class and that gave me incentive because while I may not have gotten credit from them before, they began to respect me once they saw that I had talent. One particular project caught my teacher's eye. We had to build a bridge in class using only thin wood and wood glue. Mine ended up beating some sort of record in the class. My teachers also saw that I knew what I was doing and suggested that I look into the architecture field. Then in high school I started taking more classes in the field, which led me here, at Keene State majoring in Architecture and minoring in Creative Writing. ( I know that my minor is very different from my major, but I love writing!)
Now back on topic. For our assignment we're supposed to write about interesting topics in our major and eventually develop a question. Well, one of the major issues in the architecture field is energy and sustainable design. I find that this is an interesting thing to learn about and to talk about. Making building more efficient is an important aspect of the building process. No only does it save on heating and electrical bills in most instances, but it is also good for the environment. Under this category, there are various other sub-categories, such as solar heating, use of alternative power sources, and many other things that would be good to look up. You may just find yourself walking through your house, or where ever it is that you live, and you might catch yourself picking out things that could be changed to make the building more efficient.
Another important topic in the field of architecture is the over all affect of the materials used on homes on the people who will live there. Information is now coming out that some of the materials used in homes is harmful to its occupants. This is a major issue. Some types of insulation are hazardous. Leaking pipes and condensation have formed molds and other harmful substances in homes proving to be harmful, and in some cases deadly. It is important to know what you are dealing with in your environment and the possibilities of one's choices in the materials to use. While it may seem like a good idea to use certain things because they're the latest trend, or seem less expensive, it is important to research and thoroughly understand the materials that are being used before it does any damage. Here's a link to a bunch of architectural magazines that are online, http://ksclib.keene.edu/search/dArchitecture+--+Perioddicals/darchitecture+perioddicals/-2,-1,0,B/browse . This is also a good one to check out, http://www.edcmag.com/.
There is so much to the architecture field that it is hard for me to even begin to narrow down on topics that interest me. The whole field interests me, if it didn't I wouldn't have picked it for my major. However, I'd like to learn more about the residential design field. I love designing homes. I'd like to also learn more about the options that await me once I graduate with my Bachelor's in Architecture. It seems to me that this assignment has led me to do some serious thinking...and I've concluded that I need to sit down with my advisor or one of my professors really soon to figure out where I want to go from here.
The idea of going of to the city to work in a large firm is nauseating to me! I really don't like the city, I've always been a country girl. So what options does this fear of all of the noise and chaos of the city life leave me? I'm not sure right now, but while I'm typing this I'm breaking out the number to my advisor to schedule an appointment ASAP!
Who knew that the little girl with bologna curls that played with blocks and liked to play with saw dust would end up here today? I don't where I'll end up from here, but it's been an unexpected adventure so far.
Yesterday was fun in my blissful world of wishing on stars. Today is a little harder, dealing with the world on my shoulders, but better than I could have imagined. And tomorrow, well that's the greatest adventure of all...to travel the unknown.
Jen

Writing It Right

2004-09-14T11:05:00.000-04:00

Everyone knows that the most intimidating thing in writing is the infamous blank page or blank computer screen. In order to write well you need to be in a relaxed setting with no stress or pressure as to the outcome of your master piece. There shouldn't be any distractions in the room unless you're the type of person who can write well with a lot of noise. By relaxing yourself and leaving plenty of time to pick a topic, research, write, and revise, you avoid the dreaded writer's block. Giving yourself at least 1-2 weeks to complete the writing process is key. I know that this seems like a longer amount of time than usual, but it really isn't that much time when you're balancing many classes that each have their own work due. This amount of time is for you to research, write, and revise.
Take it one step at a time, you don't want to rush things. First, pick a topic. To do this brainstorm, or pick something that interests you. Next, research it thoroughly and write down the information in easy to read notes. Then sit down and write. Just write what comes to you freely, regardless of how it sounds. Write everything that you think is important to the topic and keep going until you have a rather sizable amount of information. Once you have finished the first part of the writing, sit back and proof read your work. Fix and cut out anything that isn't the way you want it. Go through the usual grammar and spelling checks as well as going through and making sure that it makes sense. Then have someone else read your work. Have them make suggestions and then go from there. Rewrite your paper and keep rewriting until you have it exactly the way that you want it.
When writing I tend to follow the steps listed above. Writing in my most comfortable clothes sitting or lounging on my bed in a quiet room. I write what comes to my mind and go with it until I can't anymore. Which is what I did with the free blog. I wrote the first thing that came to my mind and went with it. Then I revised it until I felt comfortable enough to have others read it.
I usually write everything out by hand first because it is often easier to conquer the blank page than it is to conquer the blank computer screen. Once I have it all written down I revise and reread it. Once I'm somewhat satisfied with what I've written I go to the computer and write. This process is faster if you have something already written out and it makes it easier to build off of. Once it's finished I print and have others read it, make suggestions, and pretty much tear the paper apart in order to get it perfect, or as close to it as possible. Then I revise and keep revising until I feel that it is the best that I can make it.
To conquer writer's block I usually walk away from whatever it is that I'm working on, take a break, and then come back to it later. If I don't have the time to just walk away I begin another brainstorming session or just start writing about random stuff. Something will usually come to me in the midst of all the madness.
So here it is, the method to my madness, it's what works for me. Having a well planned process behind the writing process itself. Yes, some could argue that my writing process is pretty anal, and that I do more work than necessary, but it's what works for me and it is what has worked for me since I was in Jr. High. You may not agree with me and that's fine, but if you're having trouble writing and collecting your thoughts, try it. You may find that it works better than you thought it would.
Jen

Starting to Feel Old...

2004-09-12T13:35:00.000-04:00

Sitting back watching my ever growing family these past few weekends, I began to feel old! That's right, at the age of nineteen, I feel like an old lady. Most of my younger cousins and siblings are now growing so fast that I hardly recognize them. They all try to act so grown up, it makes me sad because they have no idea how fast their childhood will fly by. It pains me to know that most of them will lose their innocence and purity that goes along with being a child very shortly after they become more conscious of the world around them. Most of them live happily, content with being able to run free outside, catching bugs or "exploring," as most children often do.
Childhood is the one time in a person's life when they have no responsibility and don't have to acknowledge what is happening in the world around them. I remember running wild in the woods surrounding my house and walking in "the Forest" home from the neighbors house. I remember making our famous "dog bone stew" with my cousins. Rolling down huge hills in barrels or just rolling down without one, then sledding on those very same hills months later, was always a key activity in our family. Ice fishing, ice skating, snowball fights, and building snowmen were some of the more fun and more common winter activities that I participated in as a child. Birthday parties, Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Easter, my whole family was always together for everything.
Gradually, however, as the years went by, it has been harder to stay close. I realize that this is a result of everyone growing up and living their own lives, but I still miss the family gatherings at the lake or at someone's house. It upsets me to see how much our family has changed over the years and how much the younger kids of the family are truly missing out.
Growing up I had a blast! We played games all of the time. Wiffle ball, basketball, hide and seek, freeze tag, tag, red light-green light, and marco polo were some of our favorite games to play. Everyone played or at least watched. Family gatherings brought not only the immediate family, but it was like a family reunion every time that we all got together.
Over the years I have come to realize that family is the most important thing in my life. My family has relied on one another to survive some pretty intense situations and that closeness has been passed on the next generation. In case you didn't guess by now, my family is extremely close and would do just about anything for one another. We stand by one another through thick and thin. I've always felt safe and as though I belong, but I also have my own unique place within my strong family ranks. We each have our own strengths and weaknesses, but where one person may be weak, there's another right there ready and willing to help.
As a family we've roofed houses and built garages in a matter of days, working along side one another to get the job done. We help each other as much as possible. I can honestly name most of my family members as the type of people who'd give you the shirt off of their back. Just thinking about my family makes me realize how lucky I've been in the scheme of things.
Watching each of my twenty-plus cousins and my brothers and sister grow up is an amazing thing. They each are taking their out time in developing their skills, but they are evident in almost everything that they do. I can't help but try imagining where each of them will be some day. My siblings I have a pretty good idea where they'll end up. TPC will either become a lawyer, or a psychologist, but don't hold me to that, he might change his mind. He can talk his way around anything and in the end he'll have you agreeing with him. My sister will either be a teacher or a nurse because of her nuturing nature. She's also going to make a really good mom some day. My youngest brother is going to go into a trade of some sort, he's really hands on and likes to be outside. This is just my guess at what my sibling will eventually do, but who knows, life has a funny way of deciding things for you.
I can't even begin to imagine where my life would be if not for my family. They have given me everything that I have and have always been there for me. They have supported me in everything that I have done and hope to do. It is because of them that I embrace art and writing and have the strength to try both. If it is one thing that I have learned in my life, it is that without family, you're pretty alone in the world. Family is one of the few things that remain constant. Friends come and go, but family will always be there.
Jen

Possibilities for Revision...

2004-09-09T11:25:00.000-04:00

My last post "Softball" was a research blog for my Expository Writing class in case you didn't know, but I still think it's an interesting post. Now that I've looked at other research blogs and have been given some feed back I have some suggestions to work with.
Thanks to Tom, Shane, and Scribbles for the comments and suggestions. The major part of the entry I'm considering changing is the last part of it, "Well, I hope that I didn't bore you too much with my rambling about my life. I'll write again sometime soon." I am going to take Tom's advice and pretty much write what I want and not apologize for it. These are my thoughts and opinions! Another thing that I could have probably done for this post was adding some more web sites with historical facts about the sport. I could have also explained a little bit more about the sport, though I'm not sure that I know of anyone who hasn't heard of it or baseball...they are pretty similar.
Coaching has crossed my mind, Shane, but between school and working I don't have enough time. I love the sport and would really like to get involved again, but I'm not sure that I could without going back on the field, it wouldn't be the same. But who knows what will happen, I love kids and helping out, I may very well end up coaching.
Scribbles, thanks for the constructive suggestions! Yes, I did have to try out for most of the teams that I played on and believe me it was a struggle just to get out of bed each and every day. I went to school, played softabll, got home around nine or ten at night, did hours of homework, got to bed sometime around one or two and then got up at six and started all over again!
I can't wait to write more...I think this is going to be addicting! :)
Jen

Softball

2004-09-08T19:31:00.000-04:00

I have always been an athletic person. Between growing up watching New England sports (Patriots, Bruins, Celtic, and Red Sox) with my family and playing sports myself for most of my life, it's hard to imagine a time when I wasn't in some way, shape or form involved in sports. I grew up on sports and enjoy watching or playing most of them, with some exceptions.
While I love sports, I have a huge soft spot for softball. I played softball for nine years and played on nineteen different teams. I played on two to four teams a year sometimes. I've played every position on the field at least once, but I caught for five years, was an infielder for two years, and an outfielder for two years. I lived and breathed the sport for almost half of my life. Sometimes I would go from game to game or to consecutive practices, but that's how I loved it.
To say that I took the game very seriously would be an understatement to say the least. I was told by a girl that knew since I was in elementary school that I was the most intimidating player she ever knew! I laughed because I didn't think that I was that intense on the field, but apparently I was.
The reason I keep mentioning this in the past, much to my own sorrow and loss, is because during my senior year in high school I was injured while playing in a scrimmage. I ended up tear and stretching all of the ligaments and tendons in my right ankle. This all happened two days before my season opener as a starting senior on the team. To say I was devastated cannot even begin to describe what I felt. I ended up missing the entire season, spending most of my second semester in a cast or brace. I wasn't cleared to play until just weeks before I left for college and was told that if I rolled my ankle or sprained it again I'd need surgery, thus ending my softball career, if you'd call it that.
When all was said and done though, I realized that I still love the sport and would love nothing more than to get back out on the field again, but I'm too afraid of risking the possibility of causing myself more pain and damage. To this day I still look back on all of the fun times on the softball field. I go home and look at the trophies remembering the games won and those lost. I realize how lucky I was to get that chance to play.
In my mind there is nothing more gratifying than hitting your first out of the park homerun, or making that amazing play that saved the game, or just being there with your team knowing that you're in it together no matter how everything turns out. If not for softball I wouldn't still be friends with my best friend and I wouldn't have met people who became like my second family. On that ball field the rest of the world melted away and nothing else mattered. The fight you just had with your mom or the piles of homework that were waiting for you just faded away into that secret place in the back of your mind. All that mattered out there was the game.
You get a melting feeling when you watch those younger girls, first trying the game. You know the ones, those little girls whose shirts hang past their knees with that twinkle in their eye. They take in everything you say to them and anticipate being able to play like the "big girls." I used to help out with some of the teams of these girls and it always made me smile seeing them eagerly absorbing every little detail. They were the next generation of the game, the future little starlets that to this day amaze me.
Softball has brought more to my life than I ever imagined a sport could. It was almost as if Fate was there that day I quit Girl Scouts and decided that I wanted to play ball. I can't even begin to describe to you everything that the sport means to me. If not for softball I don't know where I'd be today. I know that I certainly wouldn't be the same person that I am right now.
So if you are interested more in the sport here are a few websites worth checking out:
http://www.asasoftball.com/ this is the official ASA ( Amateur Softball Association) website
http://www.softballmag.com/ this is the site of a softball magazine
http://www.pony.org/home/default.asp this is the PONY website, I played in many tournaments sponsored by them
http://www.usasoftball.com/ this is the official team USA website, they are an amazingly talented group of players who I have so much respect for, I mean look at what they did at the Olympics!!
Well, I hope that I didn't bore you too much with my rambling about my life. I'll write again sometime soon.
Jen

Blogs I Like

2004-09-07T11:03:00.000-04:00

Well, I don't normally spend lots of time online, but my Expository Writing class, which this blog was created for, may end up changing that. While buzzing around online in class I found some blogs that I really liked. I enjoyed Shane Nickerson's Nickerblog because by searching my professor's blog I found out that he's a former Keene State student and it's cool to see where people end up. My professor's blog, as previously mentioned is pretty cool as well. Zen Mama, as she goes by, has links to other blogs and that opens up a whole new group of people to talk to. Another blog that caught my eye was http://coffee-achiever.blogspot.com/, it was pretty comical and just an all around enjoyable read. This next blog got my attention because it was, yet again comical, but very realistic. http://rantking.blogspot.com/ talks about school and how everybody dreads it. He talks about the typical routines and makes it a laughable situation. Finally, is http://it-thrives.blogspot.com/, I had to give a link to someone in my class, and this one was pretty interesting and oh so true. I hate stereo types and he proves that not everything is what it seems.
Well that's pretty much all for now. Hopefully, I'll have something else to write about real soon.
Jen

Saying Good-bye to Childhood Dreams

2004-09-02T19:24:00.000-04:00

Nothing ever quite prepares you for the harsh reality of the "real world." You go through your whole life believing in things that shatter at the first bitter taste of reality. As a child you see life in one of the most amazing perspectives imaginable, but when you grow up and realize that the world doesn't live up to your standards, it's almost traumatic.
Growing up is hard enough to do, but add on all of the extra problems that we are are being confronted with in the world today, and you will realize that being young in the world is a scary thing to face. As the youth of the world, we are not only faced with the responsibility to fix what those before us have messed up, but also with the responsibilty to make a better life for ourselves and for those to come after us. It is almost impossible to even begin to comprehend the responsibilities that await me once I leave college.
As a child I always imagined living happily, growing up, meeting Mr. Right, and eventually having a family and home of my own. While I still hope that this will happen for me, my other dreams from my childhood seem so far away. I never thought about many of the major issues facing the world, then again, I was never expected to. Back then I was never really affected by what happened outside of my home, and while I am grateful to my parents for sheltering me, I wish that I was more prepared to handle everything that is going on in the world now.
Between the wars the now seem to be endless and countless, and the hatred and depravity that seem to be spreading, what hope is there for those dreams that have been all but given up on? I think back on everything that I once hoped and longed to do as a child and wonder what my life would be like if those dreams and aspirations came true for me. It is my belief that it's a sad world if children stop to dream because of the circumstances in which they live. Dreams are what formed society as it is today, if those dreams are lost, what hope is there for the future?
There's so much that's wrong with the world today that it makes me sick. There are homeless people in our country, people starving world-wide, and our environments are being abused. I never thought as a child I've have to face depleting our natural resources or Global Warming. It's all so overwhelming. Look around the world around you and just think about what it would have been like to live 100 or more years ago. At a time when there were more trees than anything, sure we have some great things in life now, but what would someone from 100 years ago say about the way we live, act, and treat one another?
I've always been known as "the dreamer" in my group of friends. One day I expressed my thoughts to CJC and her exact words were, "If you stop dreaming and believing, what hope does that leave the rest of us?" I still have faith that things have a chance of righting themselves in the world, but only time will tell. I may not have the idealic childhood dreams that I used to, but I still dream of something better, of something more.
Jen

Spreading My Wings

2004-09-02T13:56:00.000-04:00

Well, here I am world. My name is Jen and I am Sophomore in college. This is my first publication online, and anywhere else for that matter. Hopefully this experience will improve my writing skills and open up new doors for me in the scary reality of the big world. As a college student life isn't exactly the easiest thing, despite what people may tell you. Sure, there are parties and a lot of fun things to do, but it's a challenge from start to finish. There's so much riding on one's success or failure, that it is at times overwhelming.
What I'm hoping to get out of this more than anything else is to get some constructive criticism. I hope to someday become a writer, whether or not it's as a career or a past-time it is something I look forward to doing. There's so much I want out of life, and only time will tell if I succeed and reach my goals. Well, here I am spreading my wings for the first time, hopefully the world won't be too harsh.
Jen